Crimson Instinct
by YoungBoch
Summary: The idea of mental contamination is nothing but absurd. Asuka knew that more than anyone. Mental destruction, on the other hand, is something much worse. Asuka's PoV with a slight AU. Certainly not for the faint of heart.
1. Reminiscing

A/N – This is somewhat of an AU based on the new Rebuild of Evangelion. Obviously, since their third movie hasn't come out yet, I can't build too much on the story. That being said, assume the last angel in You Can (Not) Advance was defeated by Shinji, and he saved Rei. I'll go more into this later, but just take that in. If you haven't seen two recently released movies, scroll to the bottom of this chapter; I'll recap them for you. Just know that Asuka's name was changed in the movie to Asuka Langley Shikinami. This is in Asuka's PoV. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Reminiscing

Can anyone truly comprehend it? I highly doubt it – after all, humans tend to think too highly of themselves when they ponder what would happen if they were placed in the same situation. It really is somewhat of a curse, when I think about it… we can never have real emotions for another person beyond what is present in the here and now. There's no predicting the future for the relationship, there's no promise of tomorrow, and there's actually no promise of the past in some cases. That's why I despise those two with every fiber of my being. Immature, love-struck children is what they are. I hate Ikari, I hate Ayanami, I hate Nerv, I hate Unit 05, I hate Japan.

… I hate what I've become…

So here I lay, staring at the ceiling for what is likely to be some of the last hours of my life. No doubt they're out there, trying to figure out what to do with me as to not raise too much suspicion. After all, the disappearance of a captain is sure to raise at least a couple of alarms in Europe, especially when you combine that with the fact that I piloted a technically illegal Evangelion. I only woke up about an hour ago, and I have no idea how long I've been unconscious, but I know exactly what happened. That damned new Eva was an angel, and Shinji… no, it wasn't him. He wouldn't do something like that. Whatever was in Unit 01 tore me apart. It hurt so damn bad – something that simply can't be explained. I could feel every punch, every bite, and every tear as Unit 01 began to eat at my innards. By the time it tore me from the Evangelion, my plug suit was torn to shreds; not from the damage, but from me clawing at my own skin trying to make the pain stop. I haven't looked, but I just know my abdomen is covered with scratches. I have no idea how I survived, but I did. Not like it matters, they think I'm the angel now, and we all know how my kind are dealt with.

I guess I've grown accustomed to the idea of death. After all, I've faced it multiple times already – my lucky streak was bound to end eventually. I just never thought death would come in any form outside of an Eva. I can see silhouettes of people in lab coats staring down at me from the balcony above, and there's all of the horrid machines surrounding me. I'm restrained on the bed by my wrists, ankles, waist, and neck, all by cast-iron shackles. Very medieval, I must say… a little cliché, even. By now, they've noticed that my eyes are open, and now more than ten people are looking down at me. I haven't bothered to yell at them, because really, there's no point. Any moment now, one of these machines will inject me with God only knows what, and take me out. I just wish they would get on with it, the anticipation is much worse than the conclusion.

"Pilot Shikinami," a man comes over the PA system, "Are you aware?"

"Aware of what? Look, if you're going to kill me, just get on with it. I understand, you don't know anything about the angel, blah, blah, blah. Though these restraints are a little much, no?" Jesus, I didn't realize how hoarse my voice was… no doubt from all that screaming.

"Don't make any sudden movements, understand? We don't want to use force," in other words, use that catheter in my arm hooked up to a machine that's clearly not for saline, "Go ahead, Doctor," oh great, she's the last person I needed to see… a door I didn't know existed opens behind my head, but I'm obviously unable to turn and look.

"If you all are that worried about me, why would you send a doctor in here? Idiots," and really, if I were an angel, do they think some shackles could hold me?

"Asuka, long time no see," wow, Akagi sure has gotten old over the years.

"Oh yeah, back at ya. Hey, how's everything with you? Still living in the same place?" I mock her overly casual tone with a sarcastic tone, "Oh, and before I forget, mind telling me what the hell is going on?" as if I didn't already know.

"You know we have to take precautions," I jingle the chains on my wrists with an annoyed look on my face, "Okay, maybe that was a little excessive, but we can't be too careful. Do you remember what happened?" thinking back to something I'd much rather forget, I avert my eyes and nod, "Then you understand why we had to do what we did," so Shinji did attack me… she can have him.

"Whatever. How long are you going to wait before killing me?" her face didn't change in the least, confirming my suspicions, "As long as possible, then," she walks to the side of the bed and sits down, staring at the ceiling in the process.

"You know, you're a very lucky girl. Gendo ordered you dead a few hours ago," she looks over to me, "Then the Tenth Angel attacked as we were preparing the potassium chloride," even I have to admit that's one hell of a timing, "As far as we know, two angels can't attack at once. So all of these restraints are just for good measure, but I think it's about time we let you go. I've been monitoring your brain functions for some time now, and nothing seems out of the ordinary."

"Whoopee," I roll my eyes, just annoyed with the whole situation. This is just ridiculous; at least the German branch of Nerv had everything in order. The old woman sighs as she pulls out a key and releases each brace, one at a time. I sit up and rub the areas of contact, "Can I go now?"

"Shinji's waiting for you outside, he'll take you home after you change," for the first time, I realized I was in a hospital gown. He's the absolute last person I want to see right now; if I wasn't still so weak, I'd come within an inch of killing him. How could he do all of that to me? I understand destroying Unit 05, but to literally tear me apart? There's no excuse for that. with alabaster knees, I get out of the bed and leave through the door Akagi came in. Following the one-way route, I eventually pass through two large doors to see Shinji, in his school uniform for some reason, sitting on the bench with his elbows resting on his knees.

"I take it Rei killed the angel by herself?" I speak down to him in a raspy voice, and he jumps out of his skin. His head was originally hanging, and I suppose he was asleep.

"Asuka!" he leaps up and takes me into something quite foreign – a hug, "Thank God!" I weakly push him away from me and keep walking.

"Don't talk to me, just take me back to Misato's," I don't consider that hell hole my home, but it's all I have right now. He stood for a moment as I walked off, but he quickly walked up to my side.

"Are you okay? What did Akagi say?" I didn't bother honoring him with a response. I don't need any of his false friendship bull right now. Thankfully, he shut up and we were soon in a car being driven by a man in a black suit and sunglasses who apparently had his larynx removed. I didn't bother changing; all that was there was a school uniform, nothing important. I just wanted to get home and get into bed – I wasn't the least bit tired, but I just needed to relax. Alone.

Finally, we pull up to the apartment and I make a B-line for my room, closing the door as I cursed the lack of a lock. After noticing it was well past midnight, I change into my typical house attire of a large t-shirt and panties, crawl into bed, and bury my face into the pillow. I absolutely hate this… I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is a reoccurring movie of what happened in that horrible Eva. My body still ached from the tremendous stress put on it, and the nail marks on my stomach stung with every breath I took. Reminders of what happened were all around me, and I just can't stop reliving them. I bite down on the pillow as hard as I can, trying to make some kind of stimulus that'll distract me… it didn't work in the least.

"Asuka?" I hear my door slide open slightly, but I don't bother raising my head, "Are you okay?" I hate that freaking broken record. I roll onto my side, facing the wall. My goal with that was to give him the message I didn't want to talk, but the idiot couldn't catch a social signal if it bit him, "Are you still in pain?" he has some nerve asking me that!

"Get out of here, just go back to that damned doll of yours," leave me alone! Get out! Go die! I want you to _die_!

"What are you talking about?" he took a moment before continuing, "Do you… do you think I did all that?" oh great, here come the lies… "Asuka, my father was controlling the Eva. I couldn't even see what was going on," he walked over to the side of the bed and just stood there.

"Okay, fine, now leave," part of me wanted to believe him… I just don't know. I stare at the now-bare cuts on my left hand and clench my fist soon afterwards. All of that… for such a bastard.

"You think I'd do something like that?" I stay silent and close my eyes, wishing him away. After what seemed like an eternity passed, I feel the bed adjust to the weight of him laying down next to me in an exact repeat of that night days ago.

"I said get out of here, I want to be alone," he didn't so much as move, "Did you hear me? I said leave," I nudge his back with my elbow, to no avail, "This isn't cute Shinji!" for the first time since I woke up, I raise my voice… it hurt like hell, "Stop pretending like you care!" I subconsciously curl up into the fetal position as I continue to stare at my left hand, "I hate you! I want you to just die!" I throw my eyes closed and once again clench every muscle in my body, making the bed shake. After a few more seconds, he finally stands up and leaves, but not before throwing in his two cents.

"Just so you know, I tried to destroy Nerv after Unit 05 was killed. I was arrested for trying to protect you," he closes the door with slightly more force than really necessary, and I was finally alone in the silence I desired. The bed was still shaking as I tensed up, and I soon found myself unable to release myself from this position. Not physically unable – mentally. I was so damned angry, I had no idea what to do… hell, I don't even know what I'm angry about. I don't know for sure if he was the one that did all that to me, but that's not even what I was focusing on anymore. Somehow, among all my thoughts, I found myself soon dozing off as I slightly wish that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Unfortunately, my wish didn't come true, and I found myself being awoken by the horrid cicada-sounding doorbell. I rub my eyes as I read the blinking '5:00' on my clock, and grunge out of bed and into the living room.

"Shikinami, good to see you're well," that damned doll stood in the living room dressed in her school clothes, as was Shinji. She glanced down at my thighs, which were covered with horizontal scratch marks, "Are you well?"  
"I'm fine, that's just what happens when you go through what I did," I send a glare at Shinji as I enter the kitchen, "I'm not going to school, don't wait up."

"Actually, we just got back from school. You slept all day," so what, they walked home together? Pathetic. His voice was just as cold as mine was, "Rei just wanted to see if you're alright," thankfully, they weren't able to see me from the living room. If they had been, they would have seen my jaw drop to the floor.

"Well I'm fine, you can go now," I may have to deal with her at Nerv and school, but I refuse to have to put up with this here!

"I'm… sorry you were piloting, Shikinami. I was to be the pilot, and you took my place," that's right! I forgot about that! "I'm in your debt."

"Oh shut up!" I finally go back out into the living room and scream at her, "I didn't do it for you! I did it so I could pilot! You don't deserve to step foot in an Eva, let alone pilot a new one!" she stares at me for a few moments before speaking.

"Be that as it may, I'm glad you're unharmed," she turns to Shinji and sends him an almost invisible smile, "Good day, Shinji," wait, did she just call him Shinji? What the hell? She turns and walks out of the apartment, leaving me and that idiot alone once again.

"So I take it she finally uncrossed her legs for you?" I cross my arms and glare at the boy in front of me.

"Why do you have to be so crude? And no, she's just been like that since I get her out of the tenth angel," so he saved her, huh? Real cute. What a coincidence he couldn't do that with me. He walks past me and into the kitchen, "I know you went through a lot, and I'm trying to be patient, but really, you're just being rude. I'm only trying to help you through whatever's going on," with a 'hmph', I storm back into my room. I don't need a lecture from some kid! Who does he think he is? He of all people has no right to tell _me_ how to live my life! That brat doesn't have a single aspect of his life in order, and he thinks he can give me advice! I throw myself onto the bed and once again bury my face in the pillow.

"You're such an idiot…" I turn my head towards the closed door and squint for a moment at a faint object beside it. Nearly all at once, I take in what the object was, and my heart hits the soles of my feet, "Oh my God…" I sit up in bed and back up as far as possible, never breaking eye contact with the figure hanging in the corner. That horrible smile… that damn puppet… her hair… I finally lose it and start screaming. I honestly don't remember much from that point on, only that Shinji ran in and actually had to hold me down on the bed. Couldn't stop looking at that demonic figure… Shinji looked in the corner a few times too, but he had no idea what I was so scared of. Eventually, the fear took over and I push him away, sending him to the floor. I run to the only room in the house with a lock – the bathroom – and shut myself in, immediately curling up in a sitting ball in the corner, "Du bist tot, du bist tot, du bist tot," I mutter to myself over and over as I rock in the corner.

My head is buried in my knees but… am I… crying?

A/N – And that's about it for the first chapter. If you haven't seen You Can (Not) Advance, this story will make zero sense to you. If you have seen it, you'll probably still be pretty confused! Regardless, much will be cleared up in the (much) longer next chapter, Unsafe; until then, keep on keepin' on!

MOVIE RECAP: Obviously, this contains major spoilers. If you've seen the movie, no need to read any of this. Okay, you pretty much only need to know what went on in the second movie to get it. It opens up with Maya piloting, but that girl seriously has about a paragraph of lines in the entire movie, so she's unimportant so far. Asuka is dropped from a plane in her Eva, and takes out an angel fairly easily. She soon moves in with Misato and Shinji. Kaji takes Shinji, Asuka, Toji, Kensuke, and Pen-Pen to a wildlife exhibit where scientists apparently cloned marine life from before the Second Impact. Rei makes a passing comment that, like the fish, she can't live anywhere else. The next angel is taken out in the same manner as the movie, where Shinji has to catch it as it's falling from space, Rei breaks the AT field, and Asuka destroys the core. That night, Asuka is ashamed she couldn't take it out on her own. The next day, Shinji makes lunch for himself and Asuka, but also included Rei this time through. For the first time, she says 'Thank you', which is a reoccurring subject throughout the movie. To repay him, she plans out a lunch where she cooks, and invites Gendo, Shinji, and Asuka to eat – her goal is to get Shinji and his father closer together. Unfortunately, Unit 05 is delivered to Japan and, due to the Vatican Treaty that states a country can't operate more than three Evas, Unit 02 and its pilot are dismissed for the moment. Rei is the one chosen to test pilot Unit 05, but the day of the test is the same day as her lunch. Asuka volunteers to pilot, earning a 'Thank you' from Rei, though Asuka claims is was only so she could pilot. If you've seen the series, you know what happens next; Unit 05 is an angel, and Asuka is trapped inside. Same as before, the dummy system in Unit 01 takes over, and Shinji is forced to tear apart Unit 05, though he can't see anything until it's all over. When he gains control, he goes wild and starts destroying Nerv, but is soon knocked out by the LCL pressure. He is arrested, and soon after quits Nerv. While walking home, the next angel attacks, and he makes his way to a safe house. Unit 00 is still damaged from the falling angel, and Unit 01 refuses to accept a dummy plug, so Maya is ordered (though, not by the Japan Nerv. She is ordered by someone else not specified) to pilot Unit 02, and quickly releases 'The Beast'. In essence, this is when the Eva transforms slightly into a monkey-lizard-thing and enters a controlled berserk mode. Rei comes out in her Eva, holding an N2 missile, and tries to ram it into the angel. With the help of Unit 02 tearing away at the AT field, the missile gets through, but has zero effect. Unit 02 is blown back and destroys the safe house Shinji was in, telling him to run and that she'll 'help him'. She picks him up and starts running, only to see Unit 00 being eaten by the angel. The angel soon turns into a naked woman (most likely Rei) while still retaining the original head. From there, Shinji gets into Unit 01 and begins to pilot. Now, this is the important part for my story to make sense; as he's trying to save Rei, he starts the Third Impact. BUT! In my story, he saves her and kills the angel. Like I said, that'll be covered in more detail later on.


	2. Unsafe

Chapter 2: Unsafe

A/N – I forgot to say last time; for those of you who haven't seen the second movie, Asuka started to try and cook after Rei invited her to the party. As a result, both girls have several small cuts on their left hand. Misato mocked Asuka for cooking for Shinji, but Asuka never outwardly admitted it was for him (though she did think it). Also, I don't have a proofreader, so please excuse any errors (and feel free to volunteer if you want to proofread!).

"Asuka? Asuka, let me in!" Shinji was knocking at the door frantically, and I couldn't as much as stand up. I had just gotten that image out of my head! What the hell is happening? It must have just been an illusion… just a jacket hanging or something. No… no, that's stupid, it was her. I saw her face… I saw her face! I let out a scream of frustration and fear into my thighs. I can't open my eyes… she's in here with me. I can't see her again! I can't remember again! "That's it," the flimsy door comes off as he rams against it – not like it was hard, it was still a sliding door, after all.

"Du bist tot, du bist tot, du bist tot," I'm still whispering myself, trying to calm whatever nerve I have left. I knew he was staring down at me, but I couldn't care less. He didn't see it! He has no idea what I just had to go through!

"It's okay, calm down," making me jump a little, he kneels down at takes me in a hug… I don't have the energy to push him away.

"Get away from me…" he rubs my back, which, to my surprise, actually did calm me down a little. It wasn't that it was _him_, it's just the contact of another person that was soothing, "I hate-" I start to speak as I rest my chin on his shoulder, only to let out another scream as I see her hanging in the doorway yet again, still staring down at me and still smiling. I scream into his shoulder and bury my face in the cloth, "Make it stop!" out of instinct, I return the hug and squeeze him as hard as I can in frustration, "Make her go away!"

"You're safe, everything's okay," I can feel my hands shaking and my eyes flooding. I'm absolutely ashamed of him seeing me like this, and I just want him to go away… but I need him here. Hell, I need _someone_ here, I couldn't care less who it is. I calm down soon afterwards, though the shaking is still present. At this point, my face is still in his shoulder – I'm simply too terrified to look past it. Time passes on, and I eventually gain the courage to peek past his shoulder once more. The sight of an empty bathroom actually made me smile, "See? There's nothing there," I know what I saw!

"You," I pause before insulting him as I realize he was the only one here to help me, "Idiot," forget that, I know damn well what I saw! He leans back and puts his hands on my shoulders.

"Do you need to go to a hospital? What happened?" there's nothing wrong with me – I'm just tired! I'm seeing things, that's all! I stand up and leave him kneeling where he was.

"Forget it," I try to be nonchalant as I peek around both corners before exiting the bathroom to ensure she wasn't anywhere else. I'm sure I failed, "Are you… hungry?" I glance back at him as he stands up. Since I got here, that's always been my way of asking him to cook. I couldn't care less if he's hungry or not, I've just found that he's more apt to do it if I ask him that way. I'm sure he's caught on by now, but it still works, so I couldn't care less. Beyond that, I just wanted to change the subject.

"Wow," he murmurs as he walks by me, "Misato needs to go shopping, so all we have is some vegetables and rice. That okay?" I follow him extremely closely a utter a simple 'yeah' as I glance in every direction. I can't stand seeing her again… I just can't. I don't want to be alone right now, I'm just too damn scared… Jesus, I'm such a child. Those doctors in Nerv probably injected me with some drug, no doubt. That's why I'm hallucinating… right? Yeah, that's it, I'm just hallucinating. No need to be scared of something that's not there. I'm currently leaning up against the counter next to the stove as he cooks, and my eyes refuse to break away from the microwave in fear that if I do, I might see her again. I don't care if it's a hallucination, I just can't take it.

"Hey Shinji? What ever happened to your mother?" I heard him stop preparing food for a moment before replying.

"I can't say. Father won't tell me the whole story. All I know is that she worked for Nerv at one point," why was he so short with his answer? What, I'm not allowed to ask questions? "What about your parents? I don't really know anything about your past."

"That's exactly why – it's in the past, it doesn't matter," until your past comes back to haunt you, I suppose, "What happened between you and Rei?" in a hurry to change the subject, I blurt out the first thing that came to mind, "With the angel, I mean."

"Oh… it's a long story, really. I was leaving Nerv after what happened, like I already told you, and then the angel attacked. This girl piloting Unit 02 tried to help me run, but then…" I look over at him to see him cringe a little, "The angel ate Rei. I freaked out, got into my Eva, and got her out of the angel before killing it. Something went on in the entry plug. It was like I was in an ocean of fire, but I didn't care. I could see Rei, and… well, I actually don't remember a lot of what happened after that, so… yeah," so that's why she's all hot for him now. Well, more so, that is.

"Someone was piloting my Eva? Who?" didn't they put it in stasis?

"I honestly have no clue. I only met her once before, and I don't even know her name. But your Eva… it was different. She did something to it," I took a breath to respond, but he cut me off, "I have no idea what she did. It just looked… primal. I don't know, I could have been seeing things. There was a lot going on, after all," he knows more than he's letting on. Can my Eva really change like that? No, they would have told me, it must have just been a different red Eva this Nerv didn't tell us about.

"You sure went through a lot to save Rei, huh?" I see him look at me through my peripheral, but I continue my stare at the microwave, "To go through that much pain for a girl must mean something."

"She's a friend, I wasn't about to just let her die," he pours the rice and vegetable mixture into two bowls as he speak, "I would have done the same for you," I finally look over at him as he hands me the bowl with a small smile, "Careful, it's hot."

The rest of the day was completely uneventful. On the other hand, we were both in bed by eight, so it's not like I was even awake very long to begin with. When we finished eating, he made me a cup of tea that was apparently supposed to make me tired – it didn't work in the least. Regardless, I accidentally slipped out a 'thank you' when he gave it to me; something I'd regret immediately afterwards. Thankfully, he didn't make a peep when I said it, so no harm no foul I suppose. I plan on going to school tomorrow, but at this rate, I'll never get to sleep. It's currently ten at night, and I've done nothing but toss and turn. It's driving me crazy! Between thinking about my Eva, the fear of rolling over and seeing her again, and what Shinji said, I just can't get my mind to calm down! Ugh, not again… of course, I did sleep amazing that night…

"This is so stupid," I yawn through the words as I get out of bed and walk into his room. That idiot already fell asleep, and for a moment, I hesitated before deciding to create a repeat of that night, "Whatever," I crawl into his bed and face away from him. For a moment, I thought he was still asleep. No such luck.

"You can't keep doing this, Asuka."

"Just be quiet," why do I keep coming in here? Why do I sleep better like this? I hate this… "You asked about my parents earlier," I broke the silence after several minutes of just lying there, "I never knew my father. He was a sperm donor; a top ranking doctor. I knew his name, but I never cared to meet him. As for my mother," I go back to staring at my left hand, covered in cuts, "She died when I was three. Suicide… but she was gone long before that," I take a short break before continuing, "You asked me why I pilot a few days ago. I guess that's why. I need to prove to people I'm worth the time," though, I don't exactly want their time either. That part, however, I kept to myself.

"Thanks for telling me," as if it matters. Like I said, the past doesn't matter. It's what you do with today that makes a difference.

"Night," I didn't come in here for any of this sappy BS, I just want to sleep. As predicted, I was soon drifting off to sleep, making a mental note that I should really thank him for letting me come in here. I won't.

The morning came soon after, and the way I was awoken was actually really nice. I was half asleep, so I wasn't entirely sure what was happening, but the feeling of a gentle hand on my cheek was more than soothing. After a few moments of regaining consciousness, I open my eyes and leap back in bed at the sight of her rubbing my face with that horrid smile. I could feel her… she actually touched me… I'm dreaming! Wake up, damn it! Shinji was gone, and I fall off the other side of the bed as I leap back.

"Get away! You're not real!" she slowly looks over the side of the bed down at me. Her face… I hate that face, "You left me! You're a coward! A horrible mother!" she stuck out her arm, reaching towards me. In a quick motion, I slap it away – I could actually feel her, "A monster!" I finally lose it and lunge at her, wrapping my hands around her neck as I pin her to the floor. That damned smile never faded, "You're the reason for all of this! I hate you!" in an instant, I feel someone grab my forearms and force me to my feet. Through my trembling body, I see Misato holding on to me with everything she had.

"Asuka! What's wrong with you?" I look down at the woman still on the floor.

"Get her away from me!" I start stomping at her chest with every ounce of strength I had. She has to die! She has to just leave me alone! After only three kicks, Misato throws me to the floor on my stomach and pins me down, "Get off!" I thrash under her, trying to get away, to no avail, "She's not-" I look over at my mother, only to see Shinji passed out on the floor. My body suddenly goes limp at the sight of the unconscious boy, and tears start to flow down the side of my face. I finally give in to the fear and scream as hard as I could, almost to the point of my voice giving out, "I can't take this!" out of pure rage, I slam my head on the wood floor, only to have Misato hold my neck down before I could do it again.

"Calm down!" she grabs something out of her pocket and starts talking again, "Send in an extraction, we have a problem," I continue to scream as I try to get out from under Misato, but I couldn't so much as get a finger free. I look up to the doorway to see that horrid woman again, just standing and staring down at me.

"You have to let me go! She's trying to kill me! Let me go!" the woman walks over and kneels next to Shinji, placing a hand on his forehead, "Misato! Get her away from him!"

"Asuka! There's no one here!"

"You're wrong! Help him! _Please_!" the woman looks over to me with the same smile and licks her lips before getting up and walking out of the room, "Shinji! Wake up! You have to get out of here!" by now, my voice is cracking with every other word as I scream, and I'm becoming exhausted from squirming under Misato. But I have to help him! I have to get him out of here! She's coming back, I just know she is… I can't let her hurt him! Finally, after about ten minutes of this, two men storm in and stab a needle into my arm. I pass out within seconds.

I wake up with a gasp as I shoot up in a hospital bed, frantically looking around for any sign of… well, anything. My head is absolutely pounding, and every muscle in my body is screaming in agony; all of this, and I'm finally alone. Not a soul is in the room – only me and my heavy breathing. I run my fingers through the hair on the crown of my head and moan at the pain.

"What the hell is happening to me?" my mind shoots to the sight of Shinji passed out on the floor… did I do that to him? No, there's no way! I had her down on the floor, not him. She probably did something to make him pass out… but why? Why is she coming around? _How_ is she coming around? "Shinji? Misato?" I turn to the door and call for them, to no avail, "Anyone?" finally, the door opens to reveal Shinji accompanied by two men in black suits and sunglasses, "Shinji!" I leap out of bed only to have one of the men point a taser at me. I obviously stop in my tracks.

"I told you she's fine!" Shinji turns to the man and yells, "Sorry Asuka, they wouldn't let me come in without them," my eyes drift to his neck, not almost completely purple with bruises.

"Oh my God…" I fall to my knees as I stare at his wound, "Please help me…" I finally break down and kneel over, now on all fours, and cry onto the tile. He walks over and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"They're trying to figure out what's wrong with you. I know you didn't do it on purpose," there's nothing wrong with me! What don't they get? I'm being mentally tortured, and they think I'm crazy! "Dr. Akagi is trying to figure it out right now, you're going to be fine, okay?" I look up to see his sweet smile that I've… that I've grown to love. I couldn't help but return the favor.

"Your time is up, come on," one of the men speak and Shinji sighs, standing up in front of me with an outreached hand. I accept it, and he helps me up.

"I'll visit when they let me, try and get some rest," with a final smile, he walks out of the room. As the door closes, I catch a glimpse of Rei waiting for him, holding some kind of black lunch box. I sigh as I crawl back into bed, only to continue watching them through the narrow, tall window in my room. The two men left a little while ago, but not before locking me in here. Now it was only Rei and Shinji, talking… and smiling. Rei gave him the box, and I could make out him saying 'thank you' as she blushed. She's such a child… I hate that girl, I honestly do. It's been about five minutes of them talking, and I haven't been able to make out anything outside of his words of gratitude. What I have noticed, however, is her gradual narrowing of the gap between them. In what seemed like an instant, she closed the gap to zero, locking her lips with his. That bitch! She specifically said she didn't have those feelings for him! At first, Shinji was wide-eyed and froze. My stomach sank as Shinji dropped the box and wrapped his arms around her, deepening the kiss.

"Those two…" I wanted to look away so badly, but I just couldn't do it. I clench my fists as I watch her return the action of wrapping her arms around him, "You're both liars," watching the contact of their lips was more than I could handle. To them, they were the only people in existence, simply sharing the feelings that have apparently been brewing for some time. Seeing that damn albino taste him made me want to kill her. This wasn't some peck, I was being forced to watch them embrace each other in a passionate kiss. Something that was supposed to be mine.

"You see?" I jump out of my skin at the voice next to me. I turn to see my mother once again, though her face has returned to normal. I go to scream, but she slams her hand on my mouth, "Calm down, darling, I'm only here to help you," someone please help me! I can't move, I can't speak… I can't even breath! Help! "Look at those two," she finally removes her hand and I turn my head back to the couple. They were no longer in the embrace, only blushing deeply and speaking once more, "You thought he cared about you, didn't you?"

"He does," even I could barely hear my response.

"Well, to me, it looks like he cares for that Rei girl much more than you. Have you ever kissed him like that?" my hands were still shaking from the presence next to me, but I was able to talk.

"I don't want to. Like I'd get involved with an idiot like that," the two start to walk off, hand in hand, "He's not even a friend," I honestly feel like crying right now after seeing that. I hate them so much! They both lied to me! "Just leave me alone!" I whip back to her only to see an empty chair. Jesus, am I going insane? What the hell is going on? Someone storms into the room, and I turn to see Akagi looking flustered.

"Are you okay? I heard a scream," I sigh deeply and close my eyes.

"No, I'm not okay. I just got done trying to kill Shinji, and she won't leave me alone," I take a short break, thinking about the image of Ayanami kissing Shinji, "I just want to die."

"She? Who's she?" I don't know why I even bothered telling her, I knew she'd just think I'm crazy.

"My mother. She keeps showing up. That's why I attacked Shinji – I thought it was her. I'd never…" I stop myself before saying something stupid, "This isn't a hallucination, Akagi," I finally look at her, noticing she was writing something down on a clipboard, "She's touched me twice now. I can feel her, too. She was just in here talking to me," she continues to write, "I can't live like this. I just can't."

"Is she trying to hurt you? Is she in here right now?" I hate these condescending questions. I'm not some child! I know what's going on!

"No, she just left. And yeah, I think she's trying to kill me," she looks past the clipboard at me, "I know, it sounds crazy, I don't want to hear it. Just make this stop, please," God, I sound pathetic, "I can't see her anymore. I'm going insane," I rub my eyes as I whine. Without a word, Akagi leaves the room, locking the door behind her. My hands were still over my eyes, "You're here, aren't you?"

"I'd never leave my baby," I thought as much. If my eyes are open, all I see is my mother. If they're closed, all I see is that damned couple kissing. I'm not safe anywhere… I just need to end it. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, I'm always going to be hurt by people around me. No one cares for me, and hell, I don't even care for myself. Why should I expect others to give a damn whether I live or die? I knew Shinji was just blowing smoke with the whole 'I'd do the same for you' crap. A childish crush, that's all it is… then why does it hurt so bad? "It's easy, you know. It doesn't hurt at all, and it's quick," I took a moment before opening my eyes to see my mother once again hanging over my bed, now with that wicked smile on once again.

"Yeah… yeah, I know," Akagi obviously has no intentions of fixing this. Hell, there's probably nothing _to_ fix, I'm just insane. Misato won't miss me – I'm nothing but a burden to her. And Shinji… he has Rei, he doesn't need me.

"Use the sheet," she once again disappeared with the final word of advice, which I quickly follow. I had no idea how to tie the damned knot, so I ended up just making a shoe knot around my neck. After a small bit of struggling, I manage to tie the other end to an overhead light post after standing on the chair, "Good girl."

"Go to hell," I take a final breath, close my eyes, and kick out the chair. She was right, I really didn't feel much before passing out. Unfortunately, life is never quite that simple – one of the very reasons I was doing this flung me out of unconsciousness as he held onto my waist, releasing the tension on my neck. Through the dots that I was now seeing, I look down at that bastard, struggling to keep my weight above him, "Let me go," I didn't yell, but I was certainly stern. I kick my legs, but to no avail, "Did you hear me? Get out of here!" what is he even doing here?

"Come on Asuka… don't do this," even his speech was strained by trying to hold me up, "Akagi's going to fix you!" he doesn't get it, does he? "Please Asuka," I could feel his grip slipping, and I close my eyes knowing that it's just a matter of time. Does he honestly think that this is all about my mother? Yeah, that's part of it, but only a sliver. I hate what my life has become, and it's all because of him!

"I don't like being lied to," I speak through his grunts of strain, "But more than anything, I don't like being led on. This whole situation with angels, for instance. It's just a giant sham. There's really no point – they tell us how important we are, but in reality, they can replace us within a day. And you," I smile as I shake my head, realizing that the cloth is slowly getting tighter around my neck, "You're the worst. You're so damn selfish."

"Asuka! Untie the knot! I can't hold on!"

"You asked me what was important to me, remember? Mental integrity, I suppose would be a good answer. I worked my entire life to make sure no one got in the way of that, and within the short amount of time I've been here, you managed to tear down everything I worked for. I hope you have a great life Shinji, I really do," he finally loses his grip, and my air, along with the blood to my head, was instantly cut off. For the first time, I'm taking control of my own life. Someone else isn't making this choice for me. I stare at him on the floor as the room goes black, all with a smile on my face.

But this, my friends, is obviously not where the story ends. No, apparently God had a much grander plan on my behalf – that bastard. By the time doctors were brought in and they managed to haul me down off of the lamp post, my pulse was completely absent. No brain activity, no blood circulation… nothing. And this is where the miracle of modern medicine kicks in. I always thought that Germany were the leaders in anything relating to the medical field, but apparently, Japan is bounds ahead of them; I've never heard of someone being brought back from the dead. Yes, I was only technically deceased for a few minutes, but that might as well be a few weeks when it comes to other hospitals. I suppose that's what you get when you combine the infinite budget of Nerv and the technology to essentially create gods. At least, this is all that I'm reading from the report a doctor accidentally left in my room. I've been in an artificial coma for the past week while they ran brain scans in an attempt to figure out what in the world was wrong with me – as far as I can tell, they didn't find anything. Not like it matters, as soon as I get out of here, I fully intend on finishing the job. It was stupid of me to think it would work when I'm surrounded by cameras and employees.

I've only been awake for roughly two hours, but as scattered as my thoughts are, it could have very well been two minutes. I'm in the same hospital bed as before, only now there's a camera in the corner watching my every move. No doubt there's some intern keeping an eye on me… I let a certain bird fly to let them know what I'm thinking. My mother has been standing behind the camera the entire time, just staring at me with those wicked blue eyes of hers. I could tell she was disappointed in me for not finishing what I started. What's new? I let everyone down in the end, she should have known that.

"So are you a ghost or what?" I finally break the silence with a question that's been burning at me for a while, "Or are you just that angel that was in Unit 05?"

"I suppose you could say that I'm both. It's true that I'm a result of the angel, but I'm only here because of your own thoughts. I'm nothing more than what you made me out to be," yeah, that made a lot of sense, "But really, it shouldn't come as a surprise, should it? After all, the angel was controlling the Eva through _you_. Not like that can be accomplished without a little mental intervention, right? Unfortunately for you, this is somewhat of a side effect," as she spoke, she made her way to the side of my bed, "In other words, I'm here to stay."

"Lucky me, right? So then I take it I really am insane, huh?" for no more than a tenth of a second, her image flashed to something of horrid gore – a body wreathed in blood, a head half gone, and several chunks of flesh missing, "I'll take that as a yes," with a small smile, she once again disappears, "Hey camera boy! Did you get any of that?" I wave at the camera, and my expectance of nothing happened came true. After about another hour of absolutely nothing happening other than my own boredom increasing, an all-too-familiar woman walks through the locked door, "Ah, Misato, come to see the freak show?" she gave me a weak smile.

"Enough, you're not a freak. We're just trying to make you well again," I was never well in the first place, "I know what you're going through is stressful, but you just need to hold on, okay?" I sit up in my bed as she takes the chair next to me.

"Tell me Misato, because I'm really trying to understand. What's wrong with me?" she let out a sigh before continuing.

"That's the problem, we don't know."

"No," I cut her off with a stern, shaking voice, "What is wrong with _me_? Why do I care so much what people think of me? Why is it that the only people I can connect with are in these books I read?" I finally feel tears start to well up, but I choke them back, "What did I do wrong? I need you to tell me Misato. I need to know why he… what's happened in my life that made me decide to be like this? I have the weight of this whole damn world on my shoulders, and all I need is some help! I'm sick and tired of being alone Misato!" a single tear broke through and rolled down my cheek. She placed her hand on mine and gave a small smile before I whip away, "No! You know what I mean!" I take a deep breath and attempt to calm down, "People hate me – it's what they do. I drove my mother to suicide, my father wants nothing to do with me, and I've been passed from home to home for the last decade. No one wants me, and I get that," I look up at her now worried eyes, "But it's just not fair. I try to make people happy; I'm smart, I'm a great pilot, and I'm a damn captain for crying out loud."

"Asuka, I'm going to be frank with you. You're mature enough to understand where I'm coming from. The bottom line is that you need to stop living for other people. All you do is try and impress others with titles, but have you even just sat back and spoken to someone? Just develop a relationship based on personality, not duty?" in all honesty, I didn't hear a single word she said. At this point, my mind was wandering back to the sight of Rei and Shinji in an embrace I longed to share.

"I hate myself…" she lets out a long sigh as I stare at my thighs through the sheet.

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself, hm?" her tone instantly changes to a much more aggressive nature, "To just run away from everything? Well allow me to let you in on a little secret – we all have problems. I broke up with Kaji years ago, but every time he so much as shows his face, I'm on my back for him. To make up for the fact that my father – who I despised – sacrificed himself to save me, I drink myself into a blur every night. To top it all off, I bury a boy, who already has enough stress, with all of my problems. And what have you done? Upset a few people? So what? People will get mad, that's how the world works. Live with it," I break my stare from the sheet to her eyes, "I'm not going to sit here and preach what a lovely young woman you are, and I'm sure you don't want it. The reality of the situation is that you have an entire panel of people trying to help you, a boy worried sick about your safety, and a lonely drunk up all night hoping that you don't go and off yourself when someone isn't looking," she stands up and begins to walk out, "You're luckier than you think."

She left me sitting in the room, alone once again. Her mini-lecture, for once, actually got me thinking, and in reality, it made me feel worse than I have in a long time. On the other hand, it was somewhat of a wakeup call. I was feeling horrible about this whole situation, but certainly not depressed or angry like I was before. She's actually absolutely correct… relatively speaking, I have it easy. I may not have the best life, but you know what? I've made it work for me so far, and I'll be damned if I let it come to ruin over some bad memories of my mother or the sight of a childhood crush kissing another girl. For the first time in days, I actually found myself smiling.

"Misato!" I leap out of bed and call her through the closed door. Thankfully, the window allowed me to see she stopped and turned around. With a small smile, I motion her to come back – she returned a much larger smile, "I want to say thanks. For everything," I speak after she opens the door.

"Don't worry about it, just make sure you come home, got it?"

"Actually, about that," even I could hear the confidence back in my voice… it felt good, "Can you pull some strings and get me to come back? Like, tonight? I mean really, they've had me for all this time and haven't found anything. That's not going to change by me staying here," she let out a little laugh as she put her arm around my shoulders.

"You'd be amazed at what kind of control I have over you and Shinji. You're free to come home whenever you like," to my surprise, we actually start to walk down the hallway, "Under a few conditions," oh great, here it comes… "You understand why I'm worried about whatever you keep seeing, so if you so much as see an odd pencil roll across the table, you _have_ to tell me. This if for your own good, too – Gendo will send you back to Europe in a heartbeat if we have a repeat of what you did to Shinji."

"Yes ma'am," I speak in a sarcastic voice, but in all honesty, I don't see it bothering me again. Sure, she startles me when I first see her, but it's not like the first couple times – I'm not terrified anymore, "But you have to promise to believe me when I say I'm fine."

"Noted. One more thing, though: no more sleeping in Shinji's bed. I don't know what you two have going on, and I don't even want to know, but enough," she knew about that? "The _last_ thing I need is a baby crawling around my apartment," yeah, like that'd ever happen. I wouldn't so much as give that idiot the time of day after what I saw.

"We don't have anything going on, shut up," I could feel a blush cross my face, but she luckily didn't look down, "Plus, he and Rei have the thing, not me."

"They do? When did this happen?" isn't Nerv supposed to be keeping an eye on us?

"Right after I woke up after flipping out at the apartment. I saw them trying to swallow each other outside my room," she looked down at me with a raised eyebrow, "I swear! Ask them, you'll see."

"Asuka, Rei left for Korea the day you attacked Shinji. She'll be back in a couple days, but she hasn't been anywhere near the Geofront, let alone Nerv," I feel the all too familiar sensation of my stomach dropping, "Asuka?"

"Sorry, it must have been another girl then," I knew she didn't believe me, but I couldn't care less. What the hell happened? Does this go beyond being able to see my mother? We eventually come to what looks like a waiting room with Shinji sleeping in one of the reclining chairs. I walk up at flick his ear, "Come on, we're going home," … home…?

"Wait… huh?" he looks up at me with half closed eyes, "What's going on?"

"I just said, we're going home. Get up, I want to leave already," Misato removes her arm from my shoulder and starts rummaging through her purse looking for the keys to her car, "While Ms. Organized sorts herself out, follow me," I take hold of his wrist and lead him outside, where I see it's mid-day.

"Slow down, I just woke up," he's such a whiney kid, isn't he?

"The day I hung myself – did you kiss Rei?" I don't think I've ever seen someone quite as confused as what he was.

"Kiss… huh? Rei wasn't even in the country when-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Did you kiss anyone? Any girl at all?" a small part of me was happy, but the majority of me was scared that I'm starting to see things. He simply shook his head.

"Where is this coming from?" Misato walks through the front door yelling 'found em!' like an ass, breaking off the conversation from there. Within ten minutes, we were back home and I was changed into my typical house attire. It feels great to be out of that rut! I don't know what sent me down all of that, but I'm glad I'm back. I still catch a quick glimpse of my mother out of the corner of my eye every now and then, but all in all, I think I'm fine. Misato ended up running back off to Nerv, leaving Shinji and I watching television on the sofa.

"So Shinji," I break the semi-silence – outside of the television, that is, "Be honest; you got a thing for Rei or what?" he sighs, "Oh come on! I'm curious!"

"No, she's just a friend. Just because I saved her doesn't mean I have a 'thing' for her. It means I care about her. I've saved you before too, and I don't see you questioning any of that," I don't have to question anything, that's why.

"Eh, good point," no it wasn't, "So, you ever had a girlfriend before?"

"What's with all the personal questions?" I had to smile at how nervous he got right there!

"Fine, would it make you feel better if I told you about me? I've gone on a couple dates, yeah, but I've never kissed a guy. I've never been in a relationship long enough to get to that. Your turn," I turn to him with a smile, noticing how deeply he was blushing, "I take that as a no, right?"

"I… move around too much, so no," hey, do did I!

"Hm…" he finally turns and looks at me, still wearing that damned blush.

"What?" I'm sure at this point I had a small blush on myself, but I couldn't care less.

"Nothing at all," I readjust myself on the sofa so I was sitting closer to him and put my hand on the back of his neck, "Just hold still," turning my head slightly, I slowly get closer to him until I could actually feel the warmth of his lips on mine, though we weren't touching. I stayed there for a moment, just basking in the closeness and the gentle tickle of his breath on my cheek. With a smile, I bite my bottom lip, "Yeah, this'll work just fine."

A/N – Okay, there's the longer chapter I promised. Expect most of them to be around this length, since I just sort of keep writing until I feel right… which usually takes awhile! Also keep in mind that I'm a college student with a double major, so starting January 10 when my winter break is over, I won't be updating nearly as often (usually every weekend). If a weekend ever goes by without a new chapter, check out my profile for an explanation. Now, about this chapter – how'd you all like it? I actually think it was pretty good; maybe not my best writing, but certainly some of the best emotion. Check out what I have in store for the next chapter, Lilith Immaculate; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – As a side note, I _always_ respond to reviews from non-anonymous users. That aside, reviews are what develop stories – authors take them into account when writing. You could very well alter the plot! Also, by the way, the next chapter is a song title. I suggest you check it out; the themes in the song will be a major driving force in the chapter.


	3. Lilith Immaculate

Chapter 3: Lilith Immaculate

A/N – Quick note – since the movies didn't offer much insight into Asuka's past, the vast majority of what I allude to is my own mythology. All they really said is that she's a captain and a prodigy… that's it. We don't even know if her mother died. Also, I've been referring to the wrong Eva this whole time; it was Unit 03 that had the angel in it, not Unit 05. Sorry! On with the story!

_Fall for the love of me_

_Crawl for the love of me_

_Drool for the love of my virulent sway_

_I grow more master the faster the days_

_Lilith immaculate_

"Yeah, this'll work just fine," I pull back just far enough so I could see his eyes, "Well? Aren't you going to finish what I started?" I can't believe I'm doing this with him… I've only been in Japan a couple weeks, and I'm already about to kiss a boy for the first time. As much as I'm hiding it, I'm nervous beyond belief.

"A-Am… I supposed to?" with a smile, I take his hand and put it on my cheek.

"There, I started it for you," he took the hint and finally gained control, using his hand to gently pull me into a kiss. It felt absolutely amazing – like nothing I've ever experienced before. It was only our lips that were meeting, but my entire body lit up in an internal fire as I finally felt his touch. After what seemed like hours – though it was only seconds – he pulls back and breaks the kiss, forcing both of us into a smile, "Wow…" I couldn't help but mutter under my breath. Who knew it would feel like that? I'm sure it's just because that was my first time, but really… amazing.

"Yeah," our eyes were absolutely locked with the fiercest intensity, and I was still close enough to feel his breath. This was the most romantic moment of my life, and will most likely hold the title for years to come, but it went from romantic to just plain creepy in less than a second. I feel something brush up against my foot and, upon looking down, I see a certain bird staring up at us with a mouth wide open, "Well now that's just eerie."

"Talk about a mood killer," I nudge the frozen bird with my foot, "Shoo, get out of here," slowly but surely, the bird waddled back to his cage, closing the door behind him. I turn back to Shinji and smile as I scoot even closer, "Now, where were we?" we both smile as I lean back in, and the instant our lips meet again, the cicada doorbell rings, "For the love of everything holy!" I storm to the door and swing it open, "_What_?" I was met by those two idiots from class… Todi and Kenze? Hell if I know their names, I just call them the two idiots.

"Back from the dead!" the one with glasses freaks out and points at me, and the one in the jump suit simply stares down at my bare legs.

"This is why I hate guys!" I punch the tall one, sending him to the floor, before storming off to my room. I can't have just a few minutes of happiness, can I? No, my first kiss had to be interrupted by a bird and a pair of perverts! I throw on sweat pants and storm back out to see the tall one poking Shinji's forehead.

"I envy you man, but I'm sorry ya gotta live with that," the one with glasses was still in the doorway, holding a file folder thick with papers.

"Did you two come for a reason?" Shinji slaps away tall one's hand, "You could have just called if you needed something."

"Oh! Yeah, here," the one with glasses pulls out a single paper from the folder and hands it to Shinji, "This is your schoolwork from today," he hands me the rest of the folder, "And this is yours from… well, since you've been gone," I'm sure my face at the time was priceless, but I was absolutely furious. I didn't ask to miss that much school! I needed to miss two, three days tops! Misato should have to do all this for me, damn it!

"Yeah," I toss the folder into the trash next to the door, "Sure. Need anything else? Because we're kind of busy," crap! I didn't mean to say that out loud! The one in the jump suit goes wide eyed and slowly turns his head to a now-blushing Shinji, "Oh shut up! Not like that! We were about to eat!" the nerd leans over and looks in the kitchen, "_About_ to eat! Just get out!" with both of them smirking, they exit the apartment, "Idiots!"

"Well, they're gone, so…"

"Not a chance," I storm off to the kitchen – turns out I actually am hungry.

"Right, gotcha."

At the time he started cooking, it was only about four in the afternoon, and Misato got home just as he was plating the stir-fry. We somehow managed to hide the whole kiss thing from Misato which, quite frankly, surprised the hell out of me because every time he and I made eye contact a blush would cross both of our faces. Luckily for us, that woman is far too oblivious to notice anything that wasn't shoved in her face or printed on a beer can. The night dragged on as each one of us entered and exited the shower, and by the time it was nine, Misato made her way down the hallway towards her room.

"By the way, I'm not stupid, I know you two are together. Just keep it G rated," she closed the door, leaving both Shinji and I loose in the jaw and wide eyed. How did she know? She wasn't even looking at us most of the night! I cross my arms and fall back onto the sofa with a grunt.

"We couldn't even keep it a secret for a day," Shinji takes his new found place next to me, though, as much as I would have liked him to, didn't touch me in the least. No arm around the shoulder, no taking of my hand, nothing. Pansy, "And I'm sure that those two idiots will blab it to the entire school before we get there tomorrow."

"Yeah… but does it matter? I mean, it's not like we went on a date or anything. And even if we did, why would you care if people knew?" he better not be implying that kiss didn't matter. It took everything I had to let a person get that close, and if he even alludes to it being unimportant, I'll lose it.

"I don't care, it's just embarrassing," I've never had to deal with any of this before! "And just because we didn't date doesn't mean it's any less serious," I sounded way more pleading than I planned, "That wasn't some hormone driven kiss… was it?"

"No! I'm not saying that at all! I'm just saying there's not much to mock yet!" idiot, "I mean yeah, I'm a little blown away you did something like that, but still, I'm glad you did," he finally grabs ahold of my hand and smiles… I'm not used to this. I hate this feeling I get when I'm around him – it's just unnatural. I feel weak, but happy; beaten down, but stronger than before; I just feel… warm… I stare down at where our hands met.

"So… we _are_ together, right?" he sends a sweet smile and a nod my way, "I'm glad," I couldn't help but break a smile. Out of instinct, I put both of my hands behind my head, "Okay, enough of the mushy stuff. I feel like I need a shower, Jesus," I stare up at the ceiling, feeling confused in my own body. The vast majority of me wants to just call this off before it gets serious, but a tiny sliver of my psyche wants to be with him. I suppose that's all it takes, isn't it? "You know, I'm not too fond of her, but you may want to let Rei down softly. That girl loves you, Shinji."

"What?" ugh, I hate it when he gets that weasel tone in his voice.

"I'm just saying, you obviously care for her, but she sees more in you than you do in her. Trust me, she loves you, and this is going to devastate her," he starts to trail off in a series of thoughts, and a small smile crosses his face, "What are you thinking about daddy's boy?" I smack the back of his head, knowing damn well what he was thinking about.

"Nothing… but okay, I guess I'll talk to her tomorrow," I really need to whip this idiot in shape. I need a guy that isn't afraid to stand up to me, and as it stands, he's absolutely terrified of me. And beyond even that, he needs some confidence! I want him to take my hand, or initiate a kiss, or just take control for once, "Thanks for the heads up but… where did you get the idea that she likes me?"

"Loves. She told me she feels 'warm and content' when she's with you, and wants you to feel the same way. That's why she had that lunch thing going on. Look past your nose for once, Third," Rei would be entirely too weak for him. She's the kind of girl that'll do anything to make her significant other happy, and a guy just gets bored after a while of that. Sure, the guy will have fun with his doll as she threw herself on her back whenever possible, but that only goes so far. The girl has no personality, so there's nothing to love beyond her looks – which, quite frankly, aren't that great to begin with. Sure, she's got all the curves, but she's too… bland, I guess is the word? It's like eating a rice cake; you don't mind it, but it's not like you'd seek it out. Not a bad analogy if I do say so myself!

"Were there any hints with you?" okay, that threw me way off base.

"Hints?" I knew exactly what he meant, but I had to buy some time to think!

"You said look past my nose, so that must mean there were hints with Rei, which I can kind of see. But you… I didn't even think you saw me as a friend, let alone this."

"Don't be stupid, I don't see you as a friend. Never will. You don't date your friends, Shinji, that only turns out bad for both parties. If you're going to care for someone at that level, it goes beyond friendship. You don't simply accept all the flaws in your friends – you ignore them. The same way you ignore the sexist attitude of that caveman friend of yours. But in a relationship, you either have to accept them or try and change them. So no, I don't see you as a friend, not in the least," I got away from answering his question! Damn I'm good.

"You didn't answer my question," ah hell! I readjust left hand behind my head, realizing that the faint glimmer of a few cuts are still there.

"I'm not as easy to read as that doll," I avert my eyes to the opposite side of the room, "Drop it," out of embarrassment I stand up and make my way to the kitchen. I stare into the open fridge, making it look like I needed something and not that I needed to get away. What the hell is happening to me? I'm more confident than most adults, and here I am, hiding from some kid that's just asking how I feel. I'm by far the most stable person around, but when he's in the picture… I don't have any confidence what so ever. How is he able to control me like that? How can such a weak little idiot tear down every wall I've spent my entire life building? I hate him… "Do you have our lunches ready for tomorrow?"

"No, I'll cook in the morning," crap! He's walking over! I seriously need to be alone right now; I don't like how you make me feel! "You know Asuka," he takes my hand, forcing my stare from the fridge to his eyes, "You don't have to be so stern. I'm not the enemy here," yes you are! You're the one that's making me weak! "I care about you, okay?" I literally shiver as he puts a hand on the side of my face, his fingers back in my hair and his palm on my cheek, "You don't have to defend yourself here."

"Idiot…" slowly but surely, he used that hand to pull me into a gentle kiss once more… the burning was still there. With a small whine, I wrap my arms around him and pull him as close as possible. I don't want to leave this position… I hate what I've become, but I like it here. I don't know why, but I like it here. I've told myself since I was three that I'd never let someone that close again, and yet here I am, under the control of some boy I met a few weeks ago. But I really don't care anymore. In an act of courage that I'm sure surprised even him, he deepened the kiss to something passionate, and something I'd rather keep to myself.

When we finally broke from our first real kiss, all we could do is smile. Neither one of us had to say a word – we both knew what was going on. It may have been childish, and I couldn't care less, but I took him into a hug afterwards. I didn't want to leave his arms! Unfortunately, we of course had to break it after a little while, and with a final smile, we both retreated into our respective rooms. As if I could sleep right now – my mind is going crazy. I just laid there staring at the ceiling, but not looking at it; all I could see was him. All I could think about was him. I could still feel his hand on my face, his body against mine, his… true caring… why? Why does he care for me? What have I ever done that made him think I would _want_ his compassion? It doesn't make sense! I made it a strong point to keep people like him out, and in one fowl swoop, he takes out everything I worked for! That idiot… he has no idea what he's done to me. What am I supposed to do now? He already got through to me, but then who's to say more people can't? That only leads to pain! That's all it ever leads to!

"He only cares for your cup size, darling," I roll onto my side and close my eyes.

"Shut up," a horrible sleep came soon after. I woke up several times throughout the night, and when everything was said and done, I probably was only asleep about four hours. Beauty sleep that does not make. As always, Shinji was the one to wake me up, and I quickly got dressed, hoping to get out of the house before Misato wakes up with one of her crude comments. Luckily for me, both of us were leaving just as we heard her rustling awake.

"How much did I miss at school?" I have no intentions of doing the makeup work, but I'd like to at least know how far behind I am.

"Not much really. Why does it matter? Haven't you already graduated college?" heh, he knows nothing of my past, does he?

"Yeah, I got a B.S. in biology with a minor in neurology. And this doesn't matter, I'm not even sure why Nerv is making me go to school at all. Probably just so they can keep a closer eye on me, I'm sure," lazy asses, "My plan was to apply to med school after I graduated, but I was too young. They won't even look at my application until I'm sixteen."

"Med school? Seriously?" didn't he get a debriefing on me before I got here? Germany gave me all the details on him, Rei, some girl named Mari, and Misato, "I had no idea you were so smart!"

"Yeah, well, that's what happens when both my parents are out of the picture before I was five. School and Nerv became my life, so that leaves a lot of time for studying," come to think of it, I've gotten really lazy since I've been here, "The fact of the matter is that I had the highest score on my entrance exam since some Asian kid took it back in the nineties. They only allowed me to take the test to humor me, they never thought I'd actually be good enough to get in. I'm only good in the sciences though, don't go thinking I'm some freak. My writing skills are horrid, my math is just barely in the advanced range, and reading is far from my forte. In fact, you might be better than me in math."

"No, I'm horrible too. I'm only in trig right now," trigonometry? Seriously? I thought Japan was supposed to be ahead in things like this! Jesus, that's so far back I bet I could barely do it… "What's the highest you've gone?"

"I stopped taking classes as soon as I had enough to get into med school, so diff EQ," once again, that stupid confused face of his, "What do they teach you in these schools? Differential equations. It comes after calculus III. And here I thought you all would be advanced," perhaps my definition of 'normal' has been skewed over the years… what do normal freshman take as a math class anyway? "But yeah, that's why I didn't bother with the makeup work. I could completely fail this year and it wouldn't affect anything. I'm just biding my time until I can start school again," with any luck, all of this angel nonsense will be over by then. Only a year and a half left…

"I had no idea you wanted to be a doctor. You don't seem like the… caring type."

"Two things – one, I don't want to be the typical doctor you see on television. I'm going into research, none of that 'let's make you live thirty years longer than you should' bull crap. And two, what's that supposed to mean? I can be very caring when I want to be, I just haven't found anyone worth the time yet," at the time, I didn't really realize what I said, but he gave me somewhat of a childish frown.

"Research in what?"

"Neurology. It's what makes us human, after all. We can keep anyone alive after taking out an organ: stomach, lungs, liver, even the skin. But the brain is the only organ that can't be replaced by some machine or technique. Hell, it's so complex the body can't even repair it if it were to get damaged. But of course, neurology stems into all fields of medicine, and my research would be in the pathways made by neurons when… sorry, I'm going off on a tangent," I always end up doing that, "What about you? What does the future have in store for Mr. Ikari?" he actually seemed to ponder the aspect before replying, quite dryly I might add.

"Probably something menial, most likely behind a desk in a cubicle. I've never been the academic type. I get all B's and the occasional C. To be honest, I don't see the point in all of it," he chose to not defend his stance, and really, I don't care about his opinion. It's stupid, pure and simple. Without man's intelligence, we would all be dead long before the angels attacked. He takes it for granted, "So I take it you'll be going back to Europe when all the angels are gone?"

"Of course. Germany has been the leader in medical research since…" I cut myself off, remembering that we're so advanced because we used human experimentation in the 1930's and 40's, "Since forever. But who knows, I might end up staying here. Japan is a close second, after all. I have over a year to decide, so no rush," the rest of the walk was fairly awkward, as neither one of us really knew how to behave around one another now that… well, whatever we have going on is happening. Everything was just so damned forced! We were both being way too proper for my liking, and I don't like people poking and prodding at my past. Nothing good ever comes of that. Eventually, we come to the school entrance, only to see Rei standing with two men in black suits… God, I hate these guys. I don't even know if they're the same people I keep seeing, but they're everywhere. Shinji and I both knew what their presence meant.

"Seriously? This is ridiculous!" I throw my arms in the air as I walk towards the black car nearby, "I just woke up from _two_ angels ago, and here comes another one!" I string off a few curses in a language I knew they wouldn't understand as they all file into the cab with me, "You two couldn't have called Misato's place or something? You had to wait till we got to school?" of course, they didn't reply, "_Ich bin der einzige vernünftige man in diesem Kontinent…_"

"_Teil von Deutschland ist in Asien._"

"Well played driver, well played," who knew he could speak German? Maybe I shouldn't have insulted him in a language he speaks… "_Io ti ho battuto_"

"_Neanche lontanamente._"

"Oh screw you," I cross my arms, realizing I was out of languages.

"What just happened?" Shinji whispers over to Rei who was, of course, sitting abnormally close to him. He better make it real clear to her that we're together.

"Shikinami apparently is trilingual. The driver is apparently better," hey, I _was_ working on English until I got deported to this damn country, "I did not know you spoke Italian, Shikinami."

"Or German for that matter…" is he dense? I've spoken on the phone to my officers in the house with him ten feet away from me!

"Yeah, well, you pick it up when you travel as much as I do. And Shinji, you're an idiot. Didn't I just get done telling you I was born and raised in Germany? What did you think, I spoke in signs?" common sense is certainly not on his side in the least. Maybe I should just let Rei have him… nah, he's cute, so that makes up for something I suppose.

"The eleventh angel has been confirmed as a satellite orbiting the Earth," the driver finally spoke in a language we could all understand, "Unfortunately, no visuals can be gathered on it. All of the military satellites have been destroyed by an EMP blast, most likely from the angel. Pilots Ayanami and Ikari are to report to the docking bay, while Pilot Shikinami is to report to the hangar and await further instructions," saw that coming a mile away… wait, Unit 03 was destroyed! Why can't I pilot my Eva?

"You're wrong. There are three Evas, remember?"

"Yes, one for each of the pilots: Ayanami, Ikari, and Makinami," that Mari girl? Like hell! "Shikinami is still in temporary decommission until further notice," both Rei and Shinji were staring at me, the latter with worried eyes. In embarrassment, I cross my arms and stare out the window. How can they take piloting away from me? That's the whole reason I'm here! I'm way better than either of these two new Children, and that Mari girl has only fought two angels… and one of them she failed horribly! I've never been taken out by an angel! When we finally arrive at the central, I storm out of the car and immediately see Misato speaking with a few other employees.

"What the hell is going on here?" I yell at her as I approach, and she rubs her eyes. No doubt she saw this coming, "Unit 03 was destroyed, so there's no reason I can't pilot my Eva!" how good is the Mari girl that they're ready to replace a veteran pilot with her?

"Asuka, we don't have time for this, we-" a tall girl, possibly a little older than me, walks in front of Misato and cuts her off in a sense of pride I've never seen before… not even in myself.

"Ah, so this is the precious Shikinami, is it? The name's Mari, nice to meet you," she holds out a hand, offering a shake. I obviously deny her, "Hm, not the interpersonal type, are you?" she retracts her hand as I glare at her with clenched fists, "No matter. You're the pilot of Unit 02, right?" she leans in and actually sniffs in a few puffs of air. What kind of freak is this girl? "Yeah, it's you. A little hint of Ikari, too," no duh, I live with him, "And endorphins."

"Don't go around sniffing people like that! It's just weird!" hoping that no one around knew what endorphins were, I take a step back before she could say anything else, "Who do you think you are, taking my Eva like that? you waltz in and think you can run the show? Well let me tell you something – it's not going to happen!" she simply sends a mocking chuckle my way.

"You don't even know what your Eva is capable of, so why _should_ you pilot?" what is that supposed to mean? "Plus, we don't need mommy coming in during the battle, do we?" I go to slap her, but just like Rei, she put up a hand to stop me, "Yeah, I know aaaaaaall about you. But you know what? I'm feeling generous today," she puts down her hand, and I follow the action, "You go ahead and pilot. Let's see if you can't get yourself killed for good this time," with a mocking wave, she walks off.

"Who the hell does she think she is? It's my damn Eva! I choose when to pilot it, not her!" I turn to Misato to see an annoyed look on her face, "Don't tell me you agree with her!"

"She's from the English branch of Nerv, and unfortunately, they have jurisdiction over us. Frankly, she outranks Commander Ikari. Just go get suited up, your plug suit is in the locker room," with a huff, I follow Shinji and Rei, who already started making their way to get changed.

"It better not be that test suit again…" that was by far the most embarrassing thing I've ever had to wear. Seriously, what did the see-through material accomplish? I understand them being skin tight, but see through? No, that's just too far for me. Thankfully, upon opening my locker, I see my old solid red suit. Within a few minutes, I was ready to go and prove to that bitch Mari who she's dealing with. I was the first to enter the Eva and, of course, the first to be launched to the surface. Rei soon followed, and soon after, Shinji.

"Is this plug suit necessary?" Rei comes over the audio link, though video is off by her command. Apparently they're testing a new plug suit on her too. Ha!

"What's wrong? Why do you have video turned off?" a Nerv employee on the bridge chimes in, completely oblivious to the situation, "Just turn it on."

"I'd… rather not, sorry," hey, gotta feel for the girl, right? I know exactly what she's going through, "Any information on the angel?" in a hurry to change the subject, she dances away from the matter of plug suits. Immediately after, Misato pops up on screen.

"None in the least. Like the men told you, we won't know anything until it gets low enough to where we can actually see it," running into battle blind, now there's a war tactic that never worked out well for anyone, "Standby," as if we could do anything else. I put my hands behind my head and close my eyes, trying to calm my nerves. I've always had a trouble with anxiety, whether it be for a test or fighting for my life. Once I'm actually in the action and performing whatever strain is needed, I'm perfectly fine. I'm probably calmer in action than I am anywhere else. But the moments leading up to the duty… those are a complete different story. My heart races to the point that I can feel it in my head, my palms sweat, and, above all else, my thoughts become foggy. The last part is far from a good thing when fighting an angel, "Look-"

As Misato screamed, my entire world shook as a massive weight toppled on top of my Eva, knocking the wind out of me and dulling my vision for a few moments. I found myself laying down, no doubt from the impact of whatever hit me, but I was generally unharmed. As big of a crash as it was, I was expecting the Eva to be out of commission already. Luckily, I felt fine, and I went to grab the controls, only to feel my wrists locked in place. My vision clears up, and I find myself in a dark, wooded area… a graveyard? Tombstones lie all around me and off in the distance, a large fire-skewed building was burning to the ground. I grunt as I try and break free, and upon looking down, I find myself strapped to a crucifix, completely nude. I start to call out for help, even though I knew damn well this was some trick by the angel. Before I even took the breath to scream, I see two figures in the distance, right in front of the burning building. One was lying down, while the other was straddling the one on the ground.

"What the hell?" I squint my eyes, trying to get the two in focus, "Oh now that's just nasty," the two were clearly 'making love', as some would put it, and not being the least bit shy about it. The woman on top threw her head back in ecstasy, and my eyes go wide as I see a familiar face of a doll I've come to hate, "Rei! Cut that out and get over here!" why am I yelling? I know good and well that this is just some trick from the angel. I really hate the ones that mess with your head, it makes you question everything, "That's about seven times more of Rei than I ever cared to see. Jesus," my eyes avert to the man, though I can't make out any features for some reason, "Eh, lucky guy I suppose. Oh! Let me guess! That's Shinji, isn't it?" the face clears up to show Ikari with his eyes closed, "Two points for Asuka! Come on, at least make me _feel_ like this is real. This is just ridiculous, no?" with a large sigh, I smile widely, "Okay, that's enough of that," after a few moments of struggling on the cross and a final yell, I break my hands free from the cross, and the entire world goes white for a moment before showing me back in the entry plug, and still overlooking the ocean.

"Asuka! Stop it!" Misato pops up on screen with teary eyes.

"Whoa, relax, I'm fine. What's with all of these angels attacking _my_ mind? It's just-" a slight tint of red catches the corner of my eye. I turn to see Rei's yellow Eva sprawled on the floor, missing a right arm and most of the armor plating. Intestine, muscle, and gore were spread all around as her stomach laid open, an entry plug – now almost completely crushed – resting in the bowl of blood created by the thorax, "What…" I look down at my Eva to see it covered in blood, "Happened…?" just as I mutter that, I feel a horrible pain in my chest as I'm thrown back and suddenly pinned to a mountain side. I scream in pain as I see a large lance sticking out of my Eva's chest and Unit 01 in the background standing with glowing red eyes.

"Asuka! You have to get out of there! Retreat!" in a final scream of agony, I pull out the blade and run to the nearest elevator. There's no way I'm arguing with her command; I need to at least get my bearings before fighting… what did I do? I'm ejected out of the Eva and spill onto the hangar floor, coughing at the pain still present in my chest. I was helped up by Misato, who quickly and violently guided me to a side room, where we were alone. I was immediately met with her slapping my face, "What the hell, Asuka?" she was screaming at the top of her lungs as I held my cheek. What's going on? Am I still in the vision? "I swear to God, I'm going to make sure you're punished for this! You lied to everyone at Nerv just to settle a grudge match? I girl is out there dead!" still dumbfounded at the situation, I could barely speak.

"What… are you talking about?" she grabbed ahold of my forearms and stared at me with an anger I've never seen before.

"Don't try to play this off on the angel! It's still in orbit! There was nothing abnormal about your vitals!" I stay completely speechless and jaw dropped, "Jealousy I understand, but what you did is unforgivable!" a deafening roar rumbles the room, and Misato looks up, "I can't deal with you right now," she leaves the room and locks the door behind her. What did I do up there? What was she talking about? I black out for a few minutes, and I wake up covered in blood… was Shinji protecting Rei? He must have known I was taken over by the angel… right? I couldn't control myself! I don't even remember doing anything! Massive explosions above rumble the room to the point that I fell down, and I was beginning to fear for my life. I had no idea what to think, what to do, or how to feel. This is all just happening too fast… the room once again shakes, and the ceiling is torn from its foundation, revealing a blinding light. My eyes adjust to see Unit 01 kneeling over me. It roars as we make eye contact, and in an instant, the massive hand comes crashing down. I was fully expecting to be killed instantly, but either a calculated aim or lucky error placed me between the index and middle finger of the Eva. It stared down at me, panting as what appeared to be blood dripped from its mouth.

"Shinji! It wasn't me!" I scream at the top of my lungs, but I knew he wasn't paying any attention, "I wouldn't do that! Listen to me!" instantly, a black blur knocks Unit 01 out of sight, and I dart out of the doorway that was opened by the damage done by Shinji, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," I whisper to myself as I dart back into my entry plug, manually starting it up as quickly as possible. Soon enough, I was standing in my Eva, surrounded by the wreckage of Nerv.

"Get out of that Eva!" Misato comes back on screen with her wicked face. I knew I wasn't going to get through to her, so I lock any communication from the bridge off. I frantically look around for Shinji and whatever knocked him away, and eventually come to the sight of a slate gray Eva holding down Unit 01 as it thrashed underneath the massive weight. Who the hell is piloting that? And what Eva is that?

"Ah, Miss Shikinami, how nice to finally meet you," a face foreign to me shows up on screen. From what I could see, he was basically a male version of Rei; they looked extremely similar, minus the white hair and male features, of course, "I take it you're the cause of this child's rampage?"

"I didn't do anything! Who are you?" he was obviously the one piloting, so that's one question replaced by ten more. He sent a confident smile my way before continuing.

"A little irrelevant at the moment, don't you think? Formalities can be exchanged later. For now, why don't you take care of that little problem, hm?" he motions behind me, and I come face to face with what I can only explain as disgusting. The angel that apparently made me attack Rei was floating there in the form of a massive, ever-shifting glob of jet black liquid. Pieces of it were constantly falling to the floor, only to nearly instantly evaporate to the surroundings.

"So you're the problem!" how the hell am I supposed to fight this thing? I don't even see a core! I mean sure, it's probably in there somewhere, but how am I supposed to attack a liquid? Well, standing here sure isn't helping anyone. I draw the blade from my Eva's back and lunge at the blob, only to have it predictably jet to the side to avoid me, though a deep growling did display anger, "Saw that coming," a small smile streaks across my face as I remember a little school lesson from nearly a decade ago, "That makes you upset, does it? Then try this!" I leap above it, turn around, and shoot out the dozen or so spikes from the Eva's back, and luckily, a few actually managed to hit it. As I thought, it started to jet after me, and I took to sprinting across the city, "Let me tell you something – rage is a downfall!" I, of all people, should know that. I eventually come across what I was looking for, and kick a massive hole in the tank.

Ever since the Second Impact, the Earth has obviously gone through some massive changes. The little field trip Kaji provided proved that the biological aspect of life has changed, but what that didn't show us is how the people of the planet have changed. Greed, war mongering, lust crazed, and power hungry, just to name a few, were the traits that took over the vast majority of people. While it isn't openly discussed, the funding for Evangelions is absolutely astonishing, and no sane government would fund it completely. That being said, each branch of Nerv has found a way of making enough money to help cover the costs of research and development. Germany has their automotive industry, America has their gambling, and Japan has the fuel industry. Pretty much the _only_ fuel industry left in the world, in fact. America used to have that frontier, but the Second Impact made sure that every oil rig they had set up in Alaska was blown to bits. While the stocks were low, Japan smartly bought every single natural gas and liquid plant around the globe, predicting the funds would come in handy. And this is where the tank comes in, now pouring out thousands of gallons of petroleum to the floor below.

"Want a little chemistry lesson?" the blob comes hurling at me as I kneel down in the fluid, "Every single element has a boiling point, a freezing point, and an evaporation point. Including whatever the hell you're made of," when it was finally right on top of me, I grind the hand of the Eva across the concrete, creating sparks and, of course, a massive inferno. Sure, it hurt for a second or two, but the armor made sure I wasn't in too much pain. The angel, on the other hand, was making an unearthly screeching sound as it randomly jetted about, still on fire, "And some are flammable. Turns out you're the unlucky kind," through all of its jetting around and shape shifting, I caught a glimpse of a certain red orb of interest. I lunged at the blob, randomly tearing off chunks until I found what I was looking for and quickly crushed it with no more than the strength of the Eva's hands. Typically, every ounce of the angel turned to blood and spilled on the floor, luckily taking out the fire for me, "Cool, one less mess I have to clean up."

"Great, now do you mind helping me? Your lover is tiring me out," how did he…? Oh never mind, there's bigger things to worry about. I sprint back to Shinji and the new guy, "I haven't been able to reach it, so would you be so kind as to take out his power supply?" is that all he needed? I could have done that before dealing with the angel! I did as I was told, and the three minute timer starts ticking, "Just to be clear, I know it wasn't you," he let out the occasional grunt of strain as he spoke.

"How?" he let out a small laugh and didn't reply, "Who _are_ you? Where did you even come from?" was Nerv keeping an Eva secret? If they were, why didn't they send out Mari?

"You can call me Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa. As for where I came from… let's just say it's out of this world," with a final roar from Unit 01, the body went limp and he stood up, casually walking towards the elevator, "I look forward to meeting you in person," with that, he shot underground. I followed soon after to find him already gone, though I was far from alone – I was met by three security guards, Misato, and Gendo. Of course, they slapped handcuffs on me before I could get out a word.

"Get off of me! I didn't do anything!" though, I admit, something obviously did happen. I don't care how much I dislike that doll, I'd never do something like that! To anyone! Of course, my yells went unanswered, and I was hauled off to some section of Nerv I've never even heard about. It was my first time in a cell, and even though this wasn't the real deal, I was still anxious beyond explanation. These handcuffs weren't exactly helping either. What if they decide I did have control? What then? Does Japan still carry out death sentences? Hell, if I'm found guilty, I _want_ to be put to death. Japan doesn't have single sex prisons – one of the many budget cutbacks due to Nerv. I can't go in there… I know what they do to girls like me in there… shake it off, Asuka! That's not going to happen, because you didn't do anything! They're going to find something wrong with my vitals that they're no doubt looking over now, and everything will be resolved. I don't care about them, if they do anything to me, Germany will have their head… but Shinji… he went crazy after he thought I killed Rei. He tried to kill _me_ to protect her! I understand trying to restrain me but that? Maybe I was just being led on by some hormone driven boy… he obviously cares more for Rei. I've known that from the start, but I thought I'd be able to change that! I guess I can't blame him; if a girl like me goes in for a kiss, you don't deny her. A kiss is one thing, I get that, but what he did is just… horrible!

"Miss Shikinami?" an apparently large man speaks through the door, though I can't see him in the least.

"What?" my voice was stern and pinning, though I'm in no situation to assert authority at the moment. He unlocks the door and reveals himself to be a police officer, and quickly grabs my forearm, leading me out of the room.

"You're under arrest for the murder of Rei Ayanami. Your trial will be held one month from now. You will be contained in Ishimura Prison until then. If you are found innocent, you are to be sent back to your home land. If you are found guilty, sentencing will be carried out the next day. Do you understand?" the entire time he was speaking, I could feel my eyes welling up, though I kept a stern face. Everyone was watching me as we walked through the halls, and I'll be damned if I show weakness in front of them, "Do you understand?" he repeated with a much firmer voice.

"Yes."

Being treated like some common criminal when all I was doing is trying to help was nothing short of sickening. They loaded me into the police car, still in my plug suit, and drove for what seemed like an eternity. I stared down at my handcuffed wrists the whole time, running through in my mind what's going to happen to me. No doubt they'll find me guilty if they're going through all of this, but a month until sentencing? That's insane! I can't spend a month in prison! I should have just let that bitch pilot! I can't believe this… my heart feels like it's going to burst from my chest. We eventually come to what was obviously Ishimura Prison, and inmates in the yard – men and women – all gawked at me through the window. Most of them were smiling amongst themselves. I tried to not think too much as to why that is. I was soon led into the processing room, and everyone was still staring at me; no doubt from the outfit I was wearing. They had me change behind a paper-thin sheet on the side of the room, and for the first time, I felt how uncomfortable the orange jumpsuits were.

"Asuka Langley Shikinami, born December 21, 2001 in Nurnberg, Germany. Height: five foot, two inches. Weight: ninety-eight pounds. Eyes: blue. Hair: red," the woman listed off all information they apparently already had on me through Nerv as I was fingerprinted and still choking back tears. I'm so scared…

"Ready for the fun?" a different officer mocks me as he led me down a hallway lined with cells, inmates behind them. Of course, there were more than a few lewd comments thrown out as I walked, but what disturbed me more than anything were promises of things to come. I tried to block them out, I really did… please just let me go home! I don't belong here! We soon come to a thankfully empty cell. I enter, he takes my restraints off, and I'm left alone in this hell.

"Oh God," I finally down on the bed as I sat, burying my face in my hands. I've never cried like this before in my life – not even when I first saw my mother. I was actually sobbing like a toddler, but I just couldn't stop, no matter how hard I tried. I know what they're going to do to me in here! They can't put me in here! I'm still a minor, damn it! They don't care… no doubt I fall under Japan's crazy laws of the definition of an adult, "Please…" I claw at my scalp, hoping to relieve some of the mental anguish. I was just trying to help! Why won't anyone believe me? I would never hurt her like that!

"Hey, sweetie," a raspy male voice echoes through my cell, making my jump. I look up to see a large, muscle-built man in the cell across from mine leaning on the bars and staring at me with a smile, "There's nothing to be scared of," his mocking smile told me otherwise. I turn and sit on the bed, facing completely away from him, "I promise, I'll be gentle," with a grunt, I slam my hands over my ears. I can't do this! I can't live in here! "I've never had a white girl before."

Soon after, the man was taken out of his cell for one reason or another, leaving me with my hands still over my ears as I allow tears to stain the thighs of my jumpsuit. I'm just a kid! They can't leave me in here. Please don't leave me in here! I just want to die… I'd rather be dead than have to deal with this! But I've already looked around – there's nothing to help me end it. No rope, no sheets, no shoelaces, not even something I can sharpen. I'm in here to stay, they made sure of that. I didn't move an inch the entire day, and when night finally came, I was able to fall asleep after an hour of trying to ignore the constant yelling in the background. My sleep was cut off like a razor through thread as I was suddenly thrown on the floor and pinned down. I gain back my bearings to see two large men, one the same as before, holding me down. I go to scream, only to have my mouth covered by the other man. Almost mocking the situation, the man from the cell undoes each button on my jumpsuit slowly as he spoke.

"You're my first one in a while, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm rusty. Though," he stroked my tear-drenched cheek with the back of his hand, "I doubt you know much about this, am I right?" he sends a final smile my way before tearing off the jumpsuit. I scream through the man's callused hand, of course to no avail. Please don't! I can't do this! Just let me go! My heart sinks as I see him unbutton just enough for the deed, and all the screaming and squirming in the world couldn't get me out from under him. With a kiss on the neck, he thirsted forward.

"Ah!" I leap up in bed, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. I was alone, and fully clothed… "Damn it," as if I'm not going through enough torture as it is, I'm not safe in my own dreams? I feel disgusting at just the thought of something happening, and the fear of the all-too-real threat kept me awake all night.

Depression struck me soon after I arrived, and if there had been the means to do so, I would have ended it all on day one. I know what's in store for me even if I do make it through the month, so I might as well try and carry out my own sentence before they get the chance to. Of course, no such relief came, and I soon found myself under suicide watch in an isolation unit of the prison after I tried drowning myself in the toilet. I suppose it wasn't too bad in this area – at least I was guaranteed safety from the other inmates. Beyond that, the guards made it a strong point to keep everyone quiet, so there was that. I was still scared out of my mind at all hours, but at least I knew what I dreamt of wouldn't become a reality. Through all of the silence and solitude, I found myself reflecting on my life since I moved to Japan, and even I have to admit it wasn't all bad. Hey, at least I got to kiss a boy before dying, right? A cute one at that. I met some people I'm thankful for – the mother in Misato, the friend in Hikari, the supposed-love in Shinji – and I wouldn't trade that for the world. Though I'd never say any of that out loud.

Shinji no doubt hates me, and is surely glad that I'm in here 'getting what I deserve'. Hell, most of Nerv probably feels the same way, right? Not like it matters, I'll never see any of them again. So far, two weeks have passed in this hell, and I'm glad it's half over, even if those fourteen days felt like a year. I was introduced back into the general public yesterday, but the next night I tried once again to off myself; this time with a thread I managed to pull from the mattress. I planned on staying in the general public this time around, mainly because the loneliness was really starting to get to me. What I didn't realize is just how public everything was; we were forced to keep the cells open as everyone socialized. This left a lot of room for error, and it wasn't long before I gained some attention… I just can't think about it, I don't want to vomit again. Predictably, they found me as I was making the noose, and stuck me right back into that room. I prefer it this way – at least I know I'm safe for the time being. Every day, all the inmates in this wing of the prison get one hour outside alone, and another hour to shower, shave, and do anything else they needed. Of course, they watched you every second in all of this, so I only showered every other day.

"Shikinami, come on," the guard opens my cell, handcuffs me, and leads me down a familiar corridor. Instead of turning down the usual path, we continue straight on until we come to the processing room, "We tried to give you the letter yesterday, but your little stunt made sure we couldn't do that," he slipped a key in my handcuffs, and both my arms were set free, "You were ordered to be released. Now leave," he points me towards the door which was apparently the exit. What the hell?

"What happened?"

"If you'd rather, we can put you back in the cell. Maybe I saw you with a shiv, and maybe you attacked me. Just get out of here," as confused as I ever was, I get changed into the white t-shirt and jeans they provided at the check-out window, and I walk outside only to be blinded by the sun. Where does he expect me to go? I have no idea where I am, and I can't very well call a cab! I begin to walk towards the street, which was soon revealed to have the two familiar men in black suits waiting in a car.

"Damn it," I don't know what's going on, but I knew they were here for me. I climb into the car, and they immediately start driving, "Mind telling me what's up?" of course, they didn't say a word, "Let me guess, Nerv found an anomaly from when I was in the Eva."

"Dr. Akagi will brief you when we arrive," as promise, that old hag was waiting for me the moment we entered the huge building. She greeted me with a smile and a hug, both of which I quickly pushed back.

"It took you two weeks to find what you were looking for? I was living hell in there!" she takes a breath to say something, now with a worried face, "No, no, no, let me guess. Electroencephalography, right?"

"Um… yeah, how did you-"

"And you found the problem when you finally freaking realized you were looking at theta waves and not beta? Here's a little lesson for you, Akagi – alpha is when someone is stressed, beta is relaxed, theta is sleeping, and delta is deep sleep or coma," my voice slowly rises in intensity as I speak, "Theta can be confused with alpha if the person is stressed in their sleep!" I had plenty of time to think about this in prison, and it only made me more furious when she thought she was going to be my savior.

"I'm sorry Asuka, I didn't catch it. We had to fly in the top neurologist in Japan to look at your vitals," she didn't catch it? She let me rot in there!

"I could have told you that if you let me look!" one of the men put an arm across my collar bone as I yelled, clearly warning me to not attack her, "I was in prison, Akagi! _Prison_! Do you know what they did to me in there?" she just stared at me with apologetic eyes, "No! You know what? I quit! I'm not piloting anymore! You can all go to hell for all I care!" I storm past the two men and get in the car as I yell, "Take me to Misato's, I'm going to start packing," unfortunately for me, it was around five in the afternoon, meaning that both Shinji and Misato would be home. I was hoping that I would never have to see either one of them again, but no such luck. Shinji was the first to meet me after I rang the doorbell, and it looked as if he saw a ghost, "Don't talk to me," I push my way through and enter my room. I start to throw all my clothes in the nearest box right away, but of course, the idiot couldn't leave well enough alone.

"Asuka? What happened?"

"I was arrested for killing Rei, remember? They found out I was being controlled by the angel and let me go," I spoke coldly and didn't look at him once, "You flipped out, so some other pilot had to hold you down while I took care of the angel. Good to know you care more about Rei than me. Go to hell," I throw the last of my clothes in the box and begin to gather my other thing, "I'm leaving for Germany as soon as possible. Have a great life."

"Whoa, hold on a second, Rei's not dead. Yeah, you hurt her, but she's fine. And what are you talking about? I flipped out? I wasn't even piloting, I took too long to get changed and they said it wasn't safe for me to go to the surface. Just stop for a second," he grabs my forearm and I look at him with the most anger I've ever felt. Of course, the coward let me go, and I continue packing. Misato was standing in my doorway with a worried look on her face, but I just ignored her. I don't need any sympathy from these people.

"Whatever Shinji, I don't care anymore. Just leave me alone," he just stood there silently. Get out of here! I just want to be alone again! None of this ever happened when I didn't care! I finally stand up and face him, "What? Say what you need and leave."

"I'm… I don't know what to say. I'm sorry you were locked up for a while, but… everything's fine now, right?"

"Asuka, don't you think you're overreacting? You were only in containment for a couple weeks," Misato finally speaks up… wait, containment? "At least they didn't send you to prison, right?" I storm over to her and stare up, holding back every instinct to kill her.

"I _was_ in prison, damn it! I was only in Nerv for a few minutes before you all had me hauled off!" her eyes go wide, "Yeah, you didn't know that, did you? Where did you think I got these clothes?" I clench my fists as hard as I could, feeling my own nails ready to puncture the skin. My eyes flood just slightly, remembering what I went through.

"They… sent you to Ishimura…?" how could she not know this? She's a freaking major! "Did they… do anything to you?" I finally feel my bottom lip quiver as I glare up at her, tears now rolling down my face, "Asuka?"

"It hurt so bad, Misato…" I couldn't hold it back any longer, and she lets out a small gasp as she covers her mouth. I knew I was disgusting, "They wouldn't stop…" she takes me into a hug, and I couldn't help but deny her, "No one came to help me," I sob into her shoulder as she held me, and for once, I feel safe. I scream into her shoulder as hard as I could, trying to get out the pain, to no avail. I just keep replaying that night, over and over… I can't get away from it. She rubbed my back as she cried herself, though silently, unlike me.

A/N – Unfortunately, this is probably going to be my last update until this weekend. School starts back up on Monday, I have stuff to be doing, you know the drill. Make sure you read and review! Show me that this is worth the time. Regardless, how'd you like the chapter? A major downer, yeah, but this story is under the angst genre. What you see is what you get. How is Asuka going to handle a torture like that? Is she destined to go down the same road as her mother? Check out the next chapter, When Everything Falls; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – Yep, that's another song title. That song will play out almost exactly in the next chapter, throughout the entire chapter, so check it out. Don't watch the music video though, the band remade the song and it's _horrible_. Find the original and follow the lyrics (many of you won't be able to understand it).


	4. When Everything Falls

Chapter 4: When Everything Falls

_All these things coming against me_

_I have the choice to fall or fight_

_I cannot be moved_

_You gave me the strength_

_Help me fight, help me fight_

No matter how hard I try, I can't get over it… how can I expect myself to? That's something that I'll remember for the rest of my life. My first time is supposed to be romantic, with someone I love, and instead it was on a dirty prison floor with a guy I've never seen before. I can still feel him, and it makes me sick. I'm currently on my stomach in my bed, just staring at the wall in front of me in the middle of the night. It's been several days since I got home, and I ended up deciding to stay – though I'm not piloting. I refuse to be a part of something that doesn't trust me. I only exit this tomb to eat twice a day and use the bathroom; I haven't so much as spoken to Shinji since I first got back, though Misato has come in a few times to talk to me. She's trying to convince me to see a psychiatrist, and even offered to pay for one out of her own money so I could see one outside of Nerv, but I refused the offer. I have enough people in my life judging me, and I don't need someone being paid to do it. Shinji only came in here once, and he was actually really sweet. He sat on the bed for a good hour with his hand on my back, not saying a word. All the more reason that I couldn't face him; I don't deserve him. Why am I even staying here? Why am I not moving back to Germany? The biggest reason is him, but if I'm not even willing to look at him, then what's the point? I guess some small, irrational part of me hopes everything that happened will just be erased from my memory… it's stupid, I know. A constant reminder is lingering, beyond the memory itself – I still have to wait to find out if I'm carrying a child. The man… obviously didn't use any caution… I'm sorry, I just can't think about it.

"Asuka? Food's ready," Shinji got home about an hour ago, and Misato is working late tonight, so I'm stuck with the person that's making me feel the worst out of all this. No, he didn't do a single thing wrong, but I know he doesn't see me the same way. How could he? I'm 'damaged goods' now. I slump out of bed and go to the kitchen, where a plate full of a familiar dish – Goulasch – was waiting for me, "I thought I'd try my hand at German cuisine. Tell me how I rack up," he speaks with his same caring voice, as if nothing's happened. I hate it. Without a word, I sit and begin eating… not bad for his first try, I admit, "Rei says hi again. She keeps apologizing, but I tell her it's not her fault. She feels really bad, and actually wanted to come see you tomorrow. Is that okay?" she's apologizing to me? I'm the one that almost killed her. Sure, it wasn't my fault, but still.

"Whatever," it sounds like I've been smoking two packs a day for forty years, but my answer got across. With a final drink of water, I finish my plate and leave the table, making a B line to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, use the restroom, and head to bed for another sleepless night. It's been about two days since I've so much as dozed off – I'm too afraid to dream. I'm absolutely exhausted, and I honestly feel like I'm going to faint, but I just can't see it again. I've taken to counting in my head to stay awake, but at this point, I can barely keep my attention span to allow me to get past twenty. This counting crap isn't working, I'm already starting to fall asleep, and I just barely laid down… "_Per te vivrò, con te avrò_," I used to have such a crush on that guy… well, when he was young.

"_Per Te_, Josh Groban… am I right?" he may be an idiot, but he certainly knows his way around music. Hell, he better, as much time as he spends listening to it. Same as the other night, he sits next to me and rubs my back, "I know you haven't been sleeping, can I help?" I shake my head, but of course, he didn't move, "Are you sure you don't want to take Misato up on her offer? It couldn't hurt," yes it could, "At least talk to me. I'm here for you, remember?" where were you when I was in prison? Come on Asuka, you don't mean that…

"What've I missed in school?" I didn't want to talk about any of the ordeals, but I _did_ want to talk. Thankfully, he took the hint.

"Nothing you don't already know. In trig we started maximum and minimum – way over my head. We have a test on it tomorrow, so I'm screwed. More history from before the Second Impact… as if it matters anymore. And we started reading some book I've yet to even crack open," he really is stupid, isn't he? Maxes and mins are easy, "A report is due on Friday, so I should really start on that," he let out a nervous laugh, feeling the same tension I was.

"You need help in trig? I can see what I can do," my eyes are still glued to the wall, but it was nice to have something to get my mind off everything. Especially with menial work like this.

"No, don't worry about it, you just need to sleep."

"How long is a period on a tangent curve?" he lets out another nervous laugh, "Yeah, go get your book. I can't have you failing out of class, you're the only entertainment I have," I finally sit up and force a smile. Once again, this was only to get my mind off of things, and he caught on fairly quickly. As it turns out, I couldn't help him in the least – the teacher is having them use a method I've never seen before, and the only way I knew how to do it was to use derivatives… don't they teach that in trig? Hell, I don't remember. This is just ridiculous! Why teach them a more difficult way of doing something? "Sorry, I give up, I have no idea," by now, I was sitting cross-legged on the bed with his binder in my lap, "I can teach you the calculus way, but that'd be like teaching Pen-Pen to whistle," with a small laugh, I throw the pencil across the room.

"Excuse me if we're not all geniuses like you," it feels so good to smile, I can't even describe it. And the fact that I'm smiling with him makes it all the much better, "Ever think of becoming a teacher? Because you were just great!"

"Shut up, it's not my fault you're so low-level that I can't comprehend it. Just cheat, that's how I got through trig. This stuff never made sense to me either," I close up the binder and toss it on the floor, "Okay, be honest," I hold out my arms with a small smirk, "How bad do I look?"

"You look perfect the way you are," moron, he knows I hate that.

"I hate that mushy crap, you know that," I flick his forehead, "But thanks, daddy's boy," the same hand that just hit him moves to his cheek as I smile, "And thanks for trying to make me feel better. It worked," he put a hand on my knee and smiles.

"That's what I'm here for."

"Well, that and cooking," he better not forget that little tidbit, "You know, I think I might actually go to school tomorrow. I thought I needed to stay in here, but keeping my mind occupied is actually what helped, even if it was useless math lessons."

"Are you sure? You shouldn't push yourself," anything is better than sitting in here all day.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me," in all reality, he should very well worry about me. But I'm not about to let that on, "Just let me be, okay? I'm trying to work thought it… just be there, okay?"

"Of course," with a small smile, I peck him on the lips.

"Thanks again," I stayed there for a moment, just a couple inches from his face, and let temptation take over. I haven't been close to him in too long, I need to know he's still mine. Using my hand to guide his face in, I take him in a much more passionate kiss, which quickly led to him leaning forward to where he was laying on top of me as we shared each other. It was actually great – I felt safe under him, and the kissing wasn't half bad either. This went on for quite a while, and I absolutely loved every moment of it; a wandering hand here, a deep embrace there… it was nice. He pulled back and kissed his way down the side of my face, nibbling at my ear and forcing a small laugh out of me. Out of nowhere, my lungs fill with air in a gasp as he kissed my neck, "No!" I unintentionally scream as I push him up, and he instantly gets out from over me.

"Sorry! I-I thought…" I shake my head as I cover my eyes with one hand.

"It wasn't you… just go, I'll see you in the morning," I can't believe I just did that… with a final whispered 'sorry', he leaves me alone. Am I going to be like that for the rest of my life? All he did was kiss my neck! But it felt too much like him… God, I can't do this. Snap out of it, you need to go to school tomorrow! That's the only thing that'll get my mind off of this. Crap… how am I supposed to sleep now? I would have been perfectly fine ten minutes ago, but no, I just had to go and push it. Unfortunately, I was completely right, and I was never able to allow myself to sleep in fear of another nightmare, and now that I'm on my third day with no sleep, it wasn't even safe for me to be walking. I start getting ready a full two and a half hours before school starts, giving me plenty of time to take a long, cold show to help wake me up and a huge pot of coffee for the same purpose. I have to admit, it did feel pretty good to finally get dressed and look appropriate for the outside world. It's been quite a while.

"Asuka? What are you doing up?" I turn to see Misato, dressed in her Nerv uniform, ready to leave.

"I could ask you the same thing. Didn't you work late last night? You got home at like, one," she takes the coffee pot and pours herself a mug.

"Yeah, well, what're you gonna do, right? You didn't answer my question. You were obviously up late yourself if you knew what time I got home," crap, I didn't mean to give that away.

"I haven't slept three nights in a row. I can't believe I don't have bags under my eyes," I take another deep drink of coffee, hoping that it'll kick in soon.

"Well you look stoned, you might want to pop in a few eye drops. Are you sure you should be going out? Don't you think you're rushing it?" who's she to say anything? She's neither in my mind nor a psychologist.

"I helped Shinji last night with some homework, and I actually felt great. It helped me get my mind off of… yeah," I look down at my mug in embarrassment, "I just need to stop thinking about it, and I can't do that here. Not like it's still not in the back of my mind," I said the last part under my breath as I drank.

"What do you mean?" I let out a sigh, but I needed to talk to another woman about this.

"Don't go all parental on me, okay?" she simply nods, "Shinji and I were… well, kissing last night, and out of nowhere, I freaked out and pushed him off of me. All he did was kiss my neck, it vaguely reminded me of what happened, and I flipped. I feel really bad for what I did – he felt like crap afterwards."

"In my opinion, it was stupid of you to even peck him. You have to give yourself time to heal Asuka, don't go pushing this. If I were you, just explain why you got so upset, because I'm sure he's in the dark. Actually, does he even know?" how could he _not_ know? He was standing right there when I told Misato! I mean sure, I didn't come out and say it directly, but still, "Never mind, I'm sure he does. Just talk to him on the way to school, okay?" she puts her cup in the sink before walking towards the door, "Take it easy today, don't stress yourself. I'll be home early today," with that, she left me standing in the dimly lit room. It was about an hour before we had to leave, and Shinji was woken up by Misato leaving.

"Morning," he grunges into the bathroom, eyes half closed, and comes out fully dressed for school… does he keep his clothes in there? I'm never up this early, I guess he could have put them in there last night. Still though, that was weird, "Why are you up so early?" he speaks through a yawn, "And drinking coffee?"

"I didn't sleep last night, big surprise. Listen, I think we need to talk," we begin to walk out of the house, "I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to freak you out, it just… reminded me of what happened, and I got scared," he looked at me with an all-too-familiar face of confusion. Was Misato right? Does he really not know? "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

"Not in the slightest, no," wow, this kid needs to be checked for worms. No joke.

"Seriously? Why do you think I've been in my room the past few days? It wasn't because I was locked up for a while," I could feel myself getting upset both at his stupidity and my own memories, "Ugh, forget it, this isn't even worth talking about," like hell it wasn't! I just didn't _want_ to talk about it.

"That's not why? Then what's been the problem?" I just stay silent and watch the ground as I walk, "Do you still think I attacked you? Or was it because you were alone?" just shut up, please. I want you to know, but not right now, "I mean, I'm sorry if I did something wrong, but I can't do anything about it if you don't-"

"They raped me," thankfully, I didn't cry – not even a little. Maybe I'm just getting used to this, "Two men. It happened a couple days before I was released, that's why I cried when I got home," even I surprised myself at how I was speaking in such a matter-of-fact tone, "And that's why I got scared last night. The first guy kissed my neck the whole time," I've yet to look up at him, instead opting for the floor, "I'm… not even sure if I'm pregnant or not," an old nervous habit kicks in, and I laugh slightly through the last words, "I won't know for another few days," he didn't say a single word for what felt like hours, though in reality, it was thirty seconds at the most before I broke the silence, "I thought you knew."

"I… had no idea… Asuka, I'm so sorry."

"What's with you always apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong. Don't feel sorry for me, that's the last thing I need. I just thought you should know, since… well, since we're together," I wouldn't blame him in the least if he broke up with me here and now. As much as it pains me to say this, I don't think I'd date me right now, "I'd understand if you don't want to be with me, so don't feel obligated to stay."

"No, I'm not thinking that at all! I'm just… wow, I don't even know what to say. I would have tried talking to you sooner if I knew what went on," I thought he did know!

"Don't worry about it. I'm just trying to forget about it, so drop it, okay?" the rest of the walk was done in complete silence, neither one of us really knowing what to say. We eventually come to the school, and as soon as I enter the room, everyone stares at me like they saw a ghost, "Yeah, I'm sure you all missed me. I'll be signing autographs later, but for now, leave me the hell alone," I plop back in my seat and try to gather as much confidence as I could, throwing back on my old persona that's been lost for a couple weeks. Of course, that prep Hikari couldn't keep her nose out of my business for long. Yeah, I've bonded to her a little in the few days we've spent talking, but I don't see her as a friend or anything. More as an acquaintance.

"Asuka! Where have you been? We all thought you died!" is that what they were told? Didn't they ask Rei or Shinji?

"I was in prison," no point in lying, right? "Long story, so don't ask. Listen, can I just be alone? I had a rough night," with a quick apology, she hurries off to talk in one of the several circles that were quickly forming around class.

"Shikinami," Rei walks up to my desk with an arm in a sling.

"Are ya bored up there?" I stare at the ceiling as I sigh, "No need to apologize Rei, you didn't do anything. I'm sorry for whatever you have going on here," I point to her arm, "I didn't do it on purpose, but I was piloting, so sorry," I tried to hurry that out, as the words quite literally burned as I spat them out, "I'm just glad you're not… well, _dead_. Also, call me Asuka, my surname isn't needed."

"Okay… Asuka. I wanted to give this to you," she holds out an envelope with my last name written on it – misspelled, I should add, "The last lunch was clearly canceled, so this is for Saturday," how did she even know I'd be here today? I guess she could have just been carrying it around in case I _did_ decide to show up. No doubt she knew I was out of prison.

"Oh… okay, thanks. How do you plan on cooking?" a small blush crossed her face as she held up her right hand, which had three bandages on it.

"It is a slow process. I've been practicing," I couldn't help but chuckle at her bland response, "You spend the most time with Ikari. Could you tell me how spicy he likes food?"

"That idiot can't handle more than anything even a little hot, so you're better off not using any. Hey, listen," I lean forward a little and lower my voice. I can't believe I'm about to do this, "You need any help with the cooking? You're obviously having some trouble. I can come over Friday night and Saturday before we eat to help out if you want," a small, subtle look of surprise crossed her face, "Well?"

"That would be helpful, yes. Thanks you," why did I just sign myself up for two days with Rei, of all people? I honestly think I'd rather spend time with those two friends of Shinji's – at least they have personalities.

"Sure, now give me some time alone," with a shooing of my hand, I lean back in my desk and close my eyes. Like the good doll she is, she left me alone to my thoughts. I highly doubt Shinji's told her about me yet, and I guess I could ease it on her while we're cooking. You know, play it off like it's nothing for her sake. A small part of me feels bad that I took him from her, but you know what? That's not my problem. Maybe if she had more of a personality she'd have him before I even moved here.

"Ah, Miss Shikinami, how nice of you to join us. I hope you've been keeping up on your studies," that old hag of a teacher walks by as he sets a thin packet of paper on everyone's desk, "We have a test today," crap, I completely forgot about that! Not like the test itself matters, but I'm going to be done in no more than five minutes! And plus, I'm probably going to fail anyway. No doubt I'll get the right answers, but it's not in the way he _wants_ the answers. Whatever, I can only do what I know… as I thought, I was done before he even finished passing out the papers. As he walks by me, I hold out the test, "Is there something the matter?"

"No, I'm done. By the way, you had a typo on page three – the problem you gave can't be solved. I proved it for you. I hope you can understand Lagrange multipliers. Welcome," he takes the test and I set my head on the desk, hoping to get at least a little bit of shut eye. Of course, as I expected, he had a problem as was soon taping my shoulder, "I know, I didn't do it using your method, lay off me."

"That's not why. Is there a reason you're in this class? You're clearly advanced," hey, if I knew the reason, I'd be happy to tell him.

"Yeah, I'm in here because Nerv is too lazy and cheap to hire extra agents to keep an eye on their pilots," I set my head back down.

"Yes, but," I shoo him away with my hand, never looking back up. He sighed as he finally left me alone. I suppose I should really be careful what I wish for – I drank the coffee so it would wake me up. Now, I've never been one to drink coffee, mainly because some sodas have too much caffeine for me to handle, but, in my mind, this was an acceptable time to start. What I didn't realize at the time I drank it is exactly how caffeine works. Sure, it keeps you awake and even makes you feel more energetic if you were to consume it on a normal day. However, as I soon came to remember as I sat there trying to sleep, caffeine is no more than a stimulant. It's not some magical powder that wakes you up. No, instead, it _keeps_ you up, even if you haven't slept for, say, three days. Long story short, I'm still exhausted, only now I can't sleep. Great invention there, Spaniards. Or Mayans? Whatever, the brown people. Not nearly soon enough, the final person turns in their test, and class commences as I raise my head… though I didn't listen to a single word of it. I'm not even really thinking about anything, I'm just sitting here with my head resting on my hand, completely zoned out. For some reason, the dry erase marker has had my attention for the past hour, and as stupid as this sounds, I think I fell asleep with my eyes open a few times, because I can't remember a damn thing.

"How'd you do?" lunch finally began as Shinji placed mine in front of me. I don't know why I bothered to ask him – I know he failed.

"Actually not too bad. I have no idea what I was writing down, but I just copied you," hey, he took my advice for once! "Since when did math stop using numbers?"

"Since people realized numbers only go so far," I begin to eat the stale rice and rubbery meat he prepared last night, "This tastes like hell. By the way, have you told Rei yet?" his silence was all I needed, "Yeah, didn't think so. She's throwing another lunch, you know, you should really tell her before then. I mean, if you want, I can tell her for you. I'm going over on Friday and Saturday to help out with the cooking," and I still have no idea why I'm doing it. I must be getting delusional from the lack of sleep…

"No, I should be the one to tell her. We're having a sync test today after school, I'll tell her then," he better, because I'm sick of beating around the bush, "Are you sure you don't want to pilot? I'm sure they'd let you back."

"Yes I'm sure, and I doubt it. They have you, Rei, Mari, and that kid that helped me hold your Eva down. I forgot his name. There's no point in having more than three pilots, let alone five," even though I think I would enjoy piloting, I know I wouldn't like being under the control of people that are willing to lock me up.

"Not anymore. Mari was shipped back to Europe for one reason or another, and Kaworu went M.I.A. right after the last angel. It's been just Rei and me. Why don't you just try it out? Like you said, sitting at home all day isn't going to help," he has a point, but still.

"Drop it Shinji, the answer is no," a question that's been bugging me all day finally came out ten times less subtle than I thought it would, "So, when are you gonna take me out? I think I deserve a good time," I send a barely noticeable smile his way, "Plus, you've yet to really kick off the relationship. Shame on you."

"Hey, I went on a date, you just weren't there. I was planning for it, but then you got locked up. I was going to take you to a movie, dinner, the whole deal, but I ended up doing it alone," he was clearly teasing, but I can always outsmart him. Always.

"That's called masturbating," I don't think I've ever seen him so red! "And I'm serious, I want to go out. You know, make this whole thing official," it's only Wednesday, he could easily plan something by the weekend, right? "I'm not saying you have to spend all kinds of money. I'm not _that_ high maintenance, but I'm not the kind of girl that's fine with sitting around all day either."

"Okay, well, I'll try and arrange something for Sunday. That okay?" I reply with a simple 'mhm' I lean back and stare at the ceiling, "Any particular reason you're helping Rei?" I knew he was going to ask…

"What, I'm not allowed to be nice every now and then? Maybe I'm just an amazing person and you don't realize it," he kept silent, "Yeah, that's BS. No idea, just felt like it's something I should be doing, since she's only cooking to try and court you. It's her version of dressing slutty to get you to notice," he finished eating and took both of our lunch containers back to the bag at his desk, soon coming back with a smirk unfamiliar to me, "What?"

"You wanna go on a date? Like, right now?"

"Are you stupid? We're in the middle of class," as if people wouldn't notice us getting up and leaving.

"So?" very good point, "You're not going to learn anything new, and I'm beyond teachable, so why not?" better point.

"Fine," I stand up and grab my bag, "Meet me out in the front in five minutes so it doesn't look like we're leaving together," as I leave, I hold up a hand, "Hey Rep, I'm using the restroom."

"Why are you taking your things with you?" a simple peace sign with my hand made my exit as I walked down the hallway. That was entirely too easy, no? Shouldn't they keep a closer eye on us? I suppose it doesn't matter, the majority of adults gave up in the hope of a brighter future long ago. Hey, maybe I have too, but I'm trying to learn to live in the present. As I instructed him to, Shinji met me outside in five minutes flat.

"They didn't ask any questions?" we begin to walk back home, no doubt to change and drop off our things.

"Hikari tried, but she just rolled her eyes. She knew what was going on," as we were walking, he grabbed my hand with an oddly confident smirk.

"Wow, this whole bad-boy thing you got going on isn't too shabby. Since when have you skipped class?" come to think of it, I think this is my first time skipping… yay for Asuka! "Actually, never mind, you'll just ruin my ever-deteriorating image of you," a knowing smile let him know I was kidding, "So what does the famous Third have in store? It better be something impressive if you're starting off like this."

"Oh, you'll see, you'll see."

"You don't have a damn thing planned, do you?"

"I'm sort of making it up as I go," idiot, "So I'll see too I guess. But you were right – you need to unwind a little bit. That and I also thought we could spend today getting to know each other better. Like, you know, our pasts," great, that never ends well for me, "You don't have to tell me anything, but I might as well tell you about me. My mom died when I was really young, so I don't even remember her face. My father moved here about a year after that, and I drifted from house to house between family members until I finally came here. I think the longest time I spent in one place was a year and a half, but I don't even remember that too well. I lived an extremely bland life before this, nothing really impressive to say."

"Well now that we're on the topic of pasts, what's with that cassette player you have? You know that they have digital files now, right? You could fit a thousand times as many songs as what that thing holds in the size of a cell phone," come to think of it, where's my player? I know I moved here with it, but I haven't seen it since Germany… on top of that, where'd my Gameboy go? The last I saw it was at that aquarium thing… did I leave it there?

"Oh, that? It was my father's. He left it with me before he moved. Actually, I can't believe it still works, but that's why I haven't replaced it – no point. It still does its job, no point in getting rid of it just because it's outdated," that's just idiotic. If we all lived by that standard, our Evas would be made of cardboard and push pins, "Any other questions for me?"

"Yeah, one more. How high up were you when your parents dropped you? Or were you just thrown?" we shared a short laugh as we approached the apartment complex, "You're not giving me anything here. How should I dress? Casual? Formal? I mean come on already."

"Just go casual, and try to relax. The entire reason we left is to get you to unwind," since when has he told _me_ what to do? "You need anything quick to eat before we go? We can grab something later too, but if you're hungry now, that's fine."

"No, that coffee made me sick," even though my hand on my stomach was meant to be a joke, it only made me slump over with the thoughts of what could be coming. If he caught on to my distraught behavior, he surely didn't show it, as we ended up getting back into the apartment without a single further word. I close the door to my room behind me and lean up against the wall, staring at the ceiling as I've done so many nights in a row now, "I can't do this."

"What was that?" he heard me?

"Nothing, get dressed," I follow my own advice as I try and shake the thoughts from my mind. I don't know why I'm bothering with the 'what if' scenario, I already know the answer, and I better get damn well used to it. I try and choke back any emotion as I mindlessly throw on a pair of faded, tight jeans and an old t-shirt from Germany I haven't worn in months. I've never been one for band advertisement, but in all honesty, I didn't even notice I was wearing it until he pointed it out.

"That's a little cliché, don't you think?" he laughs at the neo-classical text of the shirt. As if he could talk – it looks like the most he could muster were a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, "Plus, their music isn't even good. Not bad, but not great."

"It was my first concert, watch it," sure, it was a reunion and one of the guys was missing an arm from the Second Impact, but still, "Enough of the mystery man crap, tell me where we're going," I lean up against the sofa and cross my arms as I stare down at the carpet. No, I didn't have to be as harsh as I just was, but there's a fine line between dark, sexy men and childish boys who try too hard. He stepped over that line.

"Actually, I was thinking we could try something. Feel free to say no, but I think it could take the edge off," he pulls a small baggie out of his back pocket with a half-smile, "No one's home, we couldn't get caught, and it could help you," since when has he been a stoner? "I don't know about you, but I've never done it before."

"You really are stupid, aren't you? I just kept saying that to tease you, but you're really retarded," I could tell I embarrassed him, which actually isn't what I meant to do for once, "You could have gotten in serious trouble for buying that. Where'd you get it from? Off the streets? I'm not even touching something like that."

"Oh no, not at all. I actually got it from Kaji," he lets out a nervous laugh as he scratches the back of his head, "He said he didn't want me to do anything stupid, so he gave me this. He called it clean, so…" not that I have experience with this, but I doubt Shinji even knows what clean means. Luckily, I at least know that, "I take your reaction as a no?" I actually did contemplate it for a moment. On one hand, I know it's a drug, and even if I know good and well how beneficial the effects are to the brain, the fact remains that it's illegal. On the other… why the hell not?

"I don't know when you decided to grow a spine," I kick my legs over the couch and sit down, now facing away from him, "But you need to get used to it. You're still too awkward. Bring it over, we might as well. One more thing off the bucket list," as if I had a bucket list.

The next two hours were… odd… that's the best way I can explain it. He was right in that it helped me calm down and, for once in several days, I wasn't thinking about what happened, but there were certainly a few side effects. It turns out that whole thing about getting hungry wasn't a stereotype – at least not for me. However, the eating aspect only took about five minutes, and the rest of the time was spent just talking to Shinji. I never told him anything he didn't already know, but I was able to open up much more passionately this way. Call that a personality flaw, I don't care, but it felt good to have someone to talk to. Not like he paid any attention to me; his drug tolerance is next to zero, even with common things like Advil and Benadryl. He really should have known better than to smoke as much as he did, but hey, it's his body and I'm not his mother. Me, on the other hand… that's a very different story. I didn't get the high I was expecting from watching television and movies – it was more of a deep thought drug than anything. Unfortunately, when I think too deep, hatchets that should have remained buried end up coming to light. By the time I got to that point of thought, however, the effects were slowly wearing off, and I was able to catch myself before uncovering memories better left in the shadows of my mind. Shinji came down long ago, so either he's a major wimp, or his body circulated it out quick enough… is that even how it works? Ugh, I hate not being able to think straight! I know that answer!

"Hey Shinji?" some things can't stay buried forever. I can see that he looked over at me, but my eyes were still glued to the ever-so-small sliver of flesh exposed between my jeans and shirt, "You trust me, right?" the question was meant to be rhetorical, so I didn't give him time to answer, "Do you believe I see my mother?"

"Well… yeah, I do. Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't mean do you believe I see her, I mean do you believe she's there? I'm not crazy, I know what I see," that didn't come out at all like I planned.

"I can't see her, if that's what you're asking. But I don't think you're crazy, I just think you're stressed," I glance up to see that wicked figure standing, waving at me sarcastically, "There's nothing you can do about that. I'm trying to help, but I can only do so much, you know?" the woman flashes to her gore state a few times for slivers of a second, but I never avert my stare from my lower stomach. A fair amount of time passes before I speak up.

"How am I supposed to raise a kid like this?"

"W-What?" his increased volume and pitch let me know I crossed the line with that one.

"I lied to you and Misato. I'm about a week late," I have to admit, at least the drug is helping me get this out, "I'm pregnant, Shinji."

"A-Asuka, you know that could be from stress, or you're getting sick, or… or other things, I don't know, you're the genius," he wasn't technically wrong, but I've always been regular due to my fitness and overall health. If I'm late, it's by a day or two, not a week. Actually, I'm surprised he knew what I meant by 'late'… how am I making jokes right now? I'm disgusting.

"I'm not in the mood, don't do that. You act like I haven't thought it over," I should get Misato to buy a test, at least, "I don't know what to do," no doubt Akagi will be able to pick it up pretty soon. Those machines could find a flea on an angel, so they could certainly find a fetus in me.

"You could abort or adopt… if you don't want to keep it."

"It's not about wanting to keep it!" out of nowhere, I lose my temper, but quickly regain it, "You think I want a reminder of what happened? I haven't slept for half a week because I'm scared to dream about those men, and now I have to deal with a living, breathing… _thing_ that's an embodiment of what happened. I'm pro-choice, but I'd never have an abortion myself. But going full term… I can't take it. I just can't Shinji, you don't get it," silence fell over the room, neither one of us knowing what to say. My hand has found its way to my stomach, and I foolishly wish everything away. Everything. I should be so lucky, "You have no idea what it's like," I finally got sick of the silence, "To be stuck in this. I always feel disgusting, and I actually still hurt… it hurt so bad," why am I not crying? I need to cry so badly, just to get pain out if nothing else, but it won't come, "Tell me what to do. Please," of course, his answer never came. Rather, he took a chance and put an arm around my shoulders… I couldn't deny him, I needed it too badly.

"I'll be here through any decision you make, okay?" he's too damn nice, it drives me insane. It's not even about being nice, it's about being an overall wimp. I don't bother replying to him – there's no point when he didn't really say anything, "Or if you just need to talk."

I decided that the rest of the day would have been a waste if he _did_ ever come up with a real date because of my emotions, so I opted to spend my time in front of the television, though I didn't watch a single flicker of it. I was completely unable to pay any kind of attention – I wasn't sure if it was from the pot or my own mind wandering. Ever since I vocalized my pregnancy, my mother has refused to move from the spot in the corner next to the television, though her body is facing the wall for some reason. No doubt the reason I'm seeing her is supposed to be ironical, but I found no humor in it. Shinji went about his way, cleaning the apartment and starting dinner when the time came, but I wasn't able to eat so much as a bite. When I finally did head to bed at around seven, Misato followed me in and tried to talk to me… it was just a bunch of bull about how it 'wasn't my fault' and that 'she's here for me' – nothing I didn't already know. Before she left, however, I did finally open up and tell her about my issue, and to my surprise, she was actually really there for me beyond an emotional level… almost like a mother. It was really nice to know that she could and would help me unconditionally. It took some convincing on her part, but she's going to be taking me to a gynecologist tomorrow when she gets off work to see two things; one, if I'm actually pregnant or not, and two, what to do if I am. I'm not worried about the test, because I already know the answer, but I am, however, worried about what to do. I don't want to go through with any of the options place in front of me, and each one is just as bad as the last, so it's not like I can just choose the lesser of two evils. What did I get myself into? For the first time in… what, three days now? I don't even remember, Jesus. Regardless, I fell asleep and was finally able to get a good night's rest – not a single dream, nightmare, or even an interruption all night. It was amazing having him lay with me.

The next day was… slow, to say the least. While I finally got caught up on my sleep, I was far from being as sharp as I usually was, which made me suffer in terms of any work for school and what's left of my social life. Even that doll pities me and graced me with her presence during lunch, going as far as to strike up a conversation. Attempting, that is. I shot her down faster than she could realize what happened. I don't need anyone's pity, sympathy, or kind words – I have all of this worked out on my own! If I needed them, I would have gone to them days ago. When Misato finally got home, her and I immediately went to the doctor to get me checked out. While I know how stupid this is, I've never been through one of these exams before, and I'm actually a little scared… well, I suppose it's more fear of the embarrassment, but still. Luckily, the doctor was a woman, do I didn't have to spread eagle in front of some creepy old guy. They did the test, and to my surprise, the woman actually stopped to question me.

"So, you say you're here for a pregnancy test?" is a conversation really necessary when there's a speculum in me? This is just awkward. Why is she even doing a pelvic exam?

"Of course, that's why you drew blood and a urine sample," she let out a thoughtful 'hm' before rolling back in the chair.

"Okay, you're done, go ahead and sit up," finally, Jesus. Who stops during their life and thinks 'Hey, you know what? I think I want to examine hoo-has for the rest of my life'? The same thing for gastroenterologists, these people are just creepy. The woman starts writing down on a clip board as she spoke, "How long have you been sexually active?"

"I'm not, I was raped," I tried to be as matter-of-fact as I could. She stopped for a moment before continuing to write, never taking her eyes off the paper, "It was just under two weeks ago."

"I see… when was your latest-"

"I'm a week late. Listen, when are you going to get the results? I don't know what the point of the whole exam was, but in case you can't tell, I'm a little peeved right now," with a long sigh, she took off her glasses and set the clipboard on the counter in one motion.

"Miss Shikinami, you're not pregnant. In fact, you're still a virgin. Your hymen is completely intact, and unless your assaulter was horribly endowed, what you're saying isn't possible. I see girls like you all the time – you're crying out for attention, and you just need someone there," she put a hand on my thigh, "Honey, try talking to your mother. She seems like a nice woman," she snapped her gloves off as she left the room, leaving me wide eyed and almost sweating. Not again… please, not again…

A/N – Okay, so this chapter was a little shorter than the previous two, but I thought I'd get one more out before school starts. The chapter went in a _completely_ different direction than what I was expecting, and I admit that it wasn't really the most exciting one, but hey, I can't do much about that at this point. Sorry if it bored a few of you, but I had to build up a few things before continuing. The next chapter will be a doozy of an emotional and possibly action filled one, so keep an eye out for that. Check out the next chapter, I Want Out; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – As always, that's a song title by the band Helloween. The next chapter will most likely be shorter than usual, because if I wait until I have ten pages written like I have been doing, you won't see another chapter for over a month! Peace out, **read and review!**


	5. I Want Out

Chapter 5: I Want Out

A/N – This chapter contains a wee bit of lemon. If this offends you, just skip over it… you won't miss any plot advances. Well, my school had two snow days in a row, giving me plenty of time to write. Therefore, this chapter is going to be about 1.5 to 2 times longer than usual. Enjoy!

_But don't push me to the maximum_

_Shut your mouth and take it home_

_'Cause I decide the way things gonna be_

_I want out-to live my life alone_

"Well? How did it go?" Misato spoke as she walked through the door, closing it behind her. I'm still staring at my hands as they rested on their respective knees… what am I supposed to think about all of this?

"I need help… I don't know what's real anymore," she sighs as she leans against the wall, "You knew, didn't you?"

"We've known something is wrong with your brain for some time now. We can't figure out what, though. All we know is that the damage is present in all areas of the brain… you would need to talk to Akagi to get all the details. I wanted to tell you, but I knew you wouldn't believe me unless you saw for yourself."

"How did you know I wasn't pregnant?" I finally gain the courage to look at her as I notice how serious her face was.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but your life hasn't been nearly as interesting as you think since the incident with Unit 03. Your mother never came around, but you already knew that. The prison thing, on the other hand… you never left Nerv, Asuka. You were in a room by yourself for two weeks while we tried to figure out what was wrong," I don't know why I'm surprised, "Yes, we did think you blacked out and tried to kill Rei, but we soon figured out that something worse was happening."

"Ah, I see. I'm freaking coo-coo," I fall back on the bed and plant my palms in my eyes, "Anything else I need to know? Maybe that I'm really a boy from Finland?" I guess it's good that I wasn't _actually_ raped, but that doesn't make what I went through any less worse. It sure as hell felt real, and that's all I need.

"There're probably more things you've seen that we just didn't realize you went through. In short, no, we don't know of anything else," she finally broke her attitude of business and sat next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. I stand up and start to put my clothes back on – modesty doesn't matter if I don't even know what's real.

"I don't need sympathy, you of all people know that. This isn't going to get fixed, so I better just learn to deal with it," either that or follow in my mother's footsteps, "But thanks for telling me. Quick question though, just to make sure I didn't imagine this. Rei _is_ having another lunch on Saturday, right?" to my surprise, she let out a small smile with a wink as she left just as I started getting dressed, "Take that as a yes. Good… Wondergirl and I have a few things to talk about."

The rest of the day was actually… nice? It was a foreign concept to me, seeing as I've been in a state of perpetual depression since I woke up from the Unit 03 incident, but not alien enough to be confused with something else. Without so much as a passing explanation to Shinji, I spent my time at home in a fairly upbeat mood while still keeping my satanic personality. Somehow, that part of me came back naturally, regardless of the fact that my mother has been staring at me nearly all day. I'm getting used to her face, and in reality, I'm even using it as a guide as to how I'll end up looking when I'm an old hag. So yeah, diamond in the rough, whatever. I watched television with Shinji, ate dinner, all extremely ritual at this point. What was different was my approach to things… I found my confidence hidden among my buried memories and forsaken past, and it was nice to realize that I wasn't completely emotionally dead. Yes, there were certain things that I could see have changed, but nothing that even Shinji would notice. On the topic of Shinji…

Misato, always in a rush to leave two teenagers alone in a house full of alcohol and paraphernalia, left hours ago on some errand for Nerv. Why she's still working for them, I'll never know. But I digress. No, the important part is that she was _gone_, and nothing else. Shinji and I were back to our old ways without a single road bump to be found – I yell at him, and he awkwardly apologizes. Like it should be. He didn't question it, and frankly, it's better that way. Currently, it was around one in the morning, and he's been bugging me to go to bed for some time, nagging about his priorities with passing the class… as if I cared. I had much grander things on my mind. Call it the risk of not knowing if this is really happening or not, the relief that nothing horrible has happened to me in what I thought was prison, or any other psycho-drabble you can come up with, I couldn't care less. But more on that later.

Being one in the morning, there was very little on television outside the realm of adult video advertisements. Eventually, I come across a channel more suitable for our demographic, ignoring his persistent whining about going to bed. Sure, he may be trying to convince me to go to sleep, but I don't see him leaving my side, now do I?

"If you're so tired, go to bed. Don't let me stop you," I mindlessly click through several more channels, smirking at how the quick glimpses of skin on the television made him blush.

"It's not just about me! You're going to help Rei tomorrow night, remember?" I can't sleep during class? "She's actually looking forward to that Asuka, don't bail on her."

"I'm not gonna bail, relax," just to tease him, I stop flipping through channels and land on an overly raunchy one Misato clearly pays more for. He rolls his eyes through a blush, letting them land on the floor right in front of the television, "You're such a child. The only reason porn exists is because of the fascination with wanting to breed, whether men admit it or not. It's engraved into our psyche."

"That doesn't mean it has to be on. What if Misato came home right now?" ah, that whiney tone I've grown to like… it's nice to hear it again, even though it grinds my nerves.

"She won't be home all night. She told me so on the way home," no doubt out with her man toy Kaji. Sure, he's attractive, but the fact that he smokes is a definite deal breaker for me. It'd be like licking an ashtray, "You're a teenage boy, don't tell me you don't find this stuff interesting!" I poke at his temple with a small laugh. Of course, he couldn't bear to respond, "You know what? You need to loosen up," I speak with a half serious, half mocking tone as I turn off the television. I'm a girl that knows what she wants, that's for sure, "Trust me, the future Mrs. Ikari will thank me. Or Mister, depending on how this plays out," he took a breath to say something, but I cut him off with a swift lunge at his lips, starting a rough, short lived kiss. Needless to say, he didn't deny me, "Come on," I grab his wrist and lead him into my bedroom… before turning around and going into his room. I'm not about to give my room _another_ reason to keep me awake.

"What are you doing? Come on, this isn't funny, I'm tired," God, I hate that whining!

"Shut up, you're ruining the moment," I stand him in front of the foot of the bed before giving him a knowing smile with fire in my eyes, "You ready?" his eyes widen ever so slightly.

"F-For what?" he stutters through a question he knew the answer to. I keep my smile and half open eyes as I quickly discard my large shirt, leaving me in only the bear minimum in terms of coverage, "As-" with a small growl, I leap at him, causing us to fall back onto the bed. Being an instinctual male, he didn't hesitate.

So here I lay, still breathing heavy next to the boy that I decided was special enough to share this with and staring up at the ceiling. He copied my position in an almost mirror-like manner, though he took the initiative to grab onto my hand under the sheets. We barely spoke during the act, outside of the occasional guidance – after all, we were both fresh to this circumstance, so neither one of us knew exactly how to go about things. Though I'd never let him know this even during my weakest moments, it was the most amazing thing I've felt since that first kiss, and this dwarfed the kiss in comparison. I managed to hide it from him, but I actually managed to reach my 'maximum' twice throughout the hour, which was quite impressive on his part. What he did realize from me, however, was the initial pain of the entire sequence… not something I'd like to go through again, but the pain luckily subsided quickly. Either that or piloting has jaded me in terms of pain, hell if I know. I planned on using this as a little mocking tool later on, but I knew damn well he's watched those videos from earlier. No, I've never caught him, but he just knew too well what to do for his first time… what felt good, how to pace things, and even subtle aspects like kissing and foreplay. It was obvious he was still a virgin, but not inexperienced in the way of knowing what to do.

"Where'd that come from?" he spoke through pants as I chuckled. I never told him that the visions went beyond seeing my mother, though I plan on telling him eventually. He kept asking over and over right before the first penetration if I was okay with this, so he clearly cared.

"Spur of the moment," I let out a small laugh. About a minute passes, allowing us to both get our heart rates down and respirations back in check, "Oh, by the way, we're not dating."

"What?" his voice actually cracked! How cute!

"Yeah, I came to the conclusion I just found you cute… I'd never be able to date a guy with your personality. But you did a bang up job, I'll tell you that," I laugh again as I get out of bed and start to gather my clothes, which were spread across the room, "Didn't mean to lead you on."

"Asuka! Are you serious right now? We just… well…"

"Had sex?" oh, _that _makes him blush? He's an idiot, "That's what hormones will do to ya. You had to have known this wasn't going to last forever. This isn't some romance novel. But hey, it worked out for both of us, right?" I grab the final piece of clothing and walk towards the door, knowing his eyes were glued to me, "Thanks for the good lay, sex buddy!" with that, I close the door behind me with a massive smile on my face. I wasn't being serious in the least with the last part of that comment – this was a one-time deal with him – but the former was completely true. I'm sure someone looking in on my situation would be calling me an idiot, a pervert, and even a whore, but here's the way I see it; I was devastated that I lost my virginity to some disgusting inmate just this morning, and now I actually chose when, where, and who my sex would be with.

In my opinion, sex is just something that naturally comes out of a relationship. This is just how our society works. A man courts a woman all in hopes that she'll allow him entrance into her domain. Sex only becomes more complicated when words like 'love' are put near it. Why can't we, as humans, just enjoy what was engraved in us through evolution? There's absolutely no point of the female orgasm other than to have a good time – don't tell me that was a mistake. If love was truly part of it, both the men and women would only be able to climax with a person they truly love. Don't get me wrong, sex is a tool that brings a relationship to the next level in terms of intimacy, but without a relationship, sex is just… well, you get the picture.

"I just died in your arms tonight," I sing as I put on clothes, "It must have been something you said," I hope he's getting dressed to, "It must've been some kind of kiss," eh, like it matters. Misato never walks in unannounced, "It was a long hot night, she made it easy, she made it feel right… wait, no, that's not right…" hold on, hold on, is that song about what I _think_ it's about? Poor guy… eh, they make pills for endurance now, doesn't matter.

Though I'd never outwardly show it, I actually do hope that I didn't hurt his feelings too badly. I mean, on one hand, he must've known that a little teenage relationship wasn't going to last forever, but on the other, I _did_ kind of use him for sex. But isn't that every guy's dream? Whatever, even if he did get hurt, he'll get over it soon enough.

Still wearing that stupid smile that's been plastered on my face, I fall back onto the bed – now fully clothed – and close my eyes. Sure, it would have been nice to share my first time with someone I actually loved, but hey, this is the next best thing. I care about him about as much as I think I'm possibly capable of caring for another, and to me, that's good enough. The night came and went without much of a struggle, though the morning was a fight to keep my eyes open for obvious reason; three hours of sleep doesn't exactly make for a great beauty rest. Regardless, I found the strength to get myself ready for school, though now that the euphoria and hormone-driven rampages are over, I suddenly found it difficult to look Shinji in the eye. We spoke like we always do, and an onlooker wouldn't have been able to notice any tension, but it was certainly there. I don't regret what I did in the least, but I didn't foresee this awkwardness. As always, we leave the apartment in silence… well, for a bit.

"So about last night…" _that's_ the first thing you say? He really needs to learn to break the ice, "Where did that come from?"

"I'm bat-poo crazy, that's where. See, apparently I imagined that whole prison thing. You didn't notice that I was a virgin?" a blush crosses his face, "Akagi has no idea what's wrong with me, so I just have to learn to live with it. Hence my random regression of personality," he no doubt realized that part, "I didn't hurt your feelings, did I?" I spoke in a sarcastic tone, but I was being completely serious.

"I mean yeah, it was a shock, but I guess I saw it coming. Just… not quite like that," he let out a forced, nervous laugh, "But we're still friends, right?" the way he put that actually caught me off guard. Neither one of us have ever admitted outwardly that we were friends, and before now, I didn't even think it to myself. It's not that I didn't see him as a friend, it's that I just never thought along those lines. It was a pleasant surprise to know he felt that way.

"So long as you keep cooking, yeah," he's learned to read my sarcasm and take it for what it meant, "But let's keep this whole thing a secret, okay? I don't want this going around school, clearly."

"Of course. It was a onetime thing, I get that," heh, so he thinks. I have no vices with using him as I see fit, so long as we're both single.

"Mhm," the conversation quickly faded into what to expect from Rei's lunch tomorrow. The main topic was how her and I were going to get along while cooking, and frankly, I don't foresee any major conflicts. In fact, I plan on starting to work behind the scenes to get those two together. Rei clearly loves him, and Shinji is too blind to his emotions, but I can see he cares about her too. Probably not love, but who knows, it could easily grow to that. I'm definitely going to plant the seed tonight with Rei.

The day was a carbon copy of every other school day; morning quiz, lesson, lunch, and another lecture. What was different, however, is that Rei actually took the initiative to sit with us – 'us' being Hikari, Shinji, Toji, Kensuke, and I – during lunch. Shinji has made it a habit of cooking for her every day, but she always eats alone. Sort of like that creepy kid reading a book under a tree during recess. But no, today, she sat with us, and it was a nice change of pace. Sure, she barely said two words, but the male to female ratio was way too off for my liking before she came. I still can't stand her damned attitude, but hey, not much I can do about that right now. Hopefully a relationship with the idiot will help her out.

"Shikinami," after class, she immediately approached me, showing what some could call enthusiasm. I call it a slight increase of interest, "If you wish, I'm going to begin preparing the food when I get home. Are you still interested in helping?" Shinji and I exchanged a knowing glance.

"Yeah, that's fine. And call me Asuka, seriously, I hate that formal crap. Even in the military I don't let people call me Captain," I lead the way through the door, and she soon follows suit. The walk was originally with the three of us, but Rei and I turned off fairly soon as we entered a part of the city I've never been to. She lives over here? "Nerv got you an apartment here of all places?"

"Yes. Why?" does she seriously not see the homeless people around?

"No reason. What are you planning on cooking?" try and be nice Asuka, just try and be nice.

"A few dishes. I'll show you when we arrive," carrying on a conversation is like pulling teeth this with girl! Eventually, we come to a run-down apartment I would have guess was abandoned if it weren't for the fact that she was opening the door, "Please excuse the mess, it's difficult to clean in my current state," her arm still hung in the sling, but you would have never known that by her apartment. Her 'mess' was no more than a couple bandages on the far side of the room on top of what I can only imagine is more items to care for her wounds. There was nothing in here… just a bed, a dresser, and a small kitchen of no more than a stove and a small fridge. There were quite a few ingredients on top of the fridge, still in their plastic bags, but beyond that… nothing. It was almost depressing.

"You call this a mess? I can this spotless," I set my bag on her bed, and she follows suit, "Okay, lead the way Wondergirl. What's first?" she grabbed a book off her dresser that had quite a few post-it notes inside acting as bookmarks, "Wow."

"Most of the food can be made ahead of time. Only two have to be done tomorrow," how many dishes is this girl planning on making? "So we'll be making three tonight," oh.

"Sounds good. What do we need first?" I walk over to the bags on the fridge and start unpacking. While her monotone attitude certainly did get on my nerves, I found myself getting used to it. She was definitely easy to work with – very to the point, and none of that needless chatter that most other people have. This, combined with her organization, made the whole process move a lot faster than I originally planned. Without really planning it out, we created somewhat of an assembly line; I cut up any vegetables, fruits, or meats that needed it, and she handles the stove, since that's about the only job she's capable of doing with one hand. One of the dishes was a simple stew, and the other was some Italian dish I'd never heard of. It was basically like a pizza, but layered with wide noodles… yeah, I don't know, but we just prepared it to be baked tomorrow morning. The final dish actually surprised me, because for once, it showed that she thought of someone else other than Shinji – she obviously did her research, as she managed to come up with a recipe for a German dessert, _Eis und Heiss_, or, literally, 'ice and hot', which is basically ice-cream with a hot cherry topping. Hell, she even knew how to pronounce it correctly. The cherry topping took the longest to make, as it had to sit on the stove for an hour as she stirred it, which is when I made my move.

"If you want, be here tomorrow at ten. That should be enough time to make the final two tomorrow."

"Yes sir," I fall back in the fold-up chair I set up about an hour ago next to the stove as she stirred, "So Rei, tell me, who're you and Third?" she stopped stirring for just a fraction of a second.

"We are the same. His scores surpassed mine for the first time two days ago, and he continues to make me lunch, as you've seen," she knew damn well what I meant! "That is it."

"Yeah, big whoop, I'm talking about your relationship. You obviously like the guy, why don't you show it?" her cheeks grew ever-so-pink at my comment, "I mean, that's why you're having this whole lunch thing, right? So you can make him feel 'warm and content'?" she sees my small smile through the corner of her eye, I just know it, "He's not gonna make the first move. Just tell him how you feel."

"There is… nothing to say. We are co-pilots," oh shut up! "And yes, I do wish that for him."

"Would you hold his hand?" why beat around the bush? Her cheeks finally turn a noticeable shade of pink, "Or maybe kiss him?" she clearly took a moment to ponder what to say. This girl needs to be a lawyer, seriously.

"That is irrelevant to the lunch. I simply wish to repair his relationship with the Commander," I lean forward and look at her, and this didn't go unnoticed, "There are no strings to this."

"You didn't answer my question. Would you like to kiss him?" I speak the last sentence in a very slow voice, letting her know that I'm not letting up on this. Hell, I could stop this conversation right now, and it would have been enough to convince her to make a move. But why not push it further?

"Physical contact is an extension of what an intimate relationship is defined as," still not answering me, First, "So there is no need to contemplate such contact if no intimate relationship exists."

"Fine then, make this difficult. Would you date him?"

"I would like that very much, yes," wow, that was a quick answer! Frankly, I'm surprised she knew what 'date' meant! Her face was almost as red as the food she was stirring, but she couldn't find the courage to say anything else. I knew something else was on her mind, and she was fighting to say it, but something was stopping her.

"You know Rei, it's not a bad thing to show that you care for someone. Why don't you ask him out tomorrow after the lunch? You never know, he might say yes," I'll make sure of that…

"That is… very forward," is that all she has to say?

"So? If you don't make a move, he won't. What do you have to lose? Worst case scenario, he says no… big deal," I think that they'd be good together, really, "Like I said, it's not bad to show someone you care," the conversation essentially ended there, but like I said, only a seed needed to be planted for this thing to grow. I'm fairly confident that she'll ask him out tomorrow, but even if she doesn't, I don't care. Now that she's verbalized her feelings, they'll only grow stronger with time. At least, that was my experience.

"This is done. Please put the lid on and place it in the fridge. We will heat it up tomorrow when needed," still wearing my mocking smile, I do as I was told in silence. When I was done, I stand up to see Rei staring blindly off.

"Need anything else? I can help while I'm here," she snapped back into reality and looked at me.

"I am fine, thank you. I do have a personal question, if that is alright," who asks permission to ask a question? Kind of redundant, no?

"Yes Rei?" I speak with an annoyed tone.

"I've never 'dated' anyone before. What does this entail?" is she being serious right now? No… she's not one to joke.

"Wow… okay, well, if you and Shinji were to hook up, that means you're now exclusive. In other words, he can't date other girls, and you can't date other guys. When you're in a relationship, you two should be closer to each other than you are to anyone else, pretty much. Sure, the whole holding hands, kissing, and whatever else might happen is part of it, but only a small part. There's no guide, Rei, you just have to go with it. Just try and relax more," I stand up and stretch my arms over my head as I walk towards her bed, "Everything will be fine, trust me. I'll see you tomorrow, lover girl," with a passing pat on the shoulder, I walk out of the house. I didn't realize how long it took us – the complete lack of a clock in there caused me to lose track of time, and looking at my phone, I realize just how late it was, "Quarter to nine? Misato's gonna kill me…" great. Just great. That's what I get for being nice.

As predicted, Misato had a few words to say to me when I got home, but as always, I tuned her out. Luckily, she was feeling short winded today, so she soon regressed back into her room for sleep, leaving me eating the now-cold dinner that was waiting for me.

"Have fun?" Shinji had already eaten, but that didn't stop him from sitting across the table while I did.

"It wasn't about fun, I was just trying to help. If I hadn't broken her arm, I wouldn't have even offered," it wasn't even that I felt bad, it was more that I felt a responsibility, "But yeah, it wasn't bad I guess. She just gets on my nerves, but there's not much I can do about that."

"She's a nice girl when you get to know her," yeah, I'm sure he'd know, "You didn't tell her… about us, right?" he whispered through the last three words, not daring to let Misato know what happened.

"Of course not! No, I'm not telling _anyone_. I'm not ashamed, but I'll be damned if I'll be mocked for what I chose to do," or who I chose to do it with, "Some things are better kept under the covers, Shinji," horrible choice of words.

"Thanks for saving my dinner," he took my now-empty plate and began to wash it. I knew he was going to most likely be dating Rei come tomorrow, and when that happens, I won't have him to myself anymore… emotionally speaking, I don't really care. Physically, on the other hand… that's a very different story. I wait a few minutes and let him finish picking up, and as he dried off his hands, I walk up behind him as I wear a smile, "You know," I wrap my arms around his waist and let my hands rest on a crucial area, "Last night was fun, don't you agree?" did he really just sigh? What boy acts like that?

"Yes, but Misato's home. And you're loud," touché.

"I'll bite my lip, promise," I gently kiss his neck, making his shiver under my touch. He's too easy to manipulate! Gotta love that, right? "Come on, one more time, and that'll be it," in a move that surprised me, he turned around and took me into a deep kiss, forcing me forward with a hand on the back of my neck. I love it when he takes control… I'm definitely going to miss that. I lean back with a small smile and, just like before, grab his wrist and lead him to his room. This will be the last night I have with him, so might as well make it count!

No words were spoken as we lay down on the bed, still kissing and letting our hands wander. Through a small amount of struggling, he managed to unbutton my shirt and force it down, leaving me with a skirt and a bunched up shirt around my hips. I help out just enough by unbuttoning the skirt, but I want him to do the rest… it's better that way. After what seemed like hours, he finally discarded my school uniform on the floor, leaving me in the bare minimum, but him still in lounging clothes. I bite my lip as I look down, pulling down his pants and gasping ever so slightly at the sight. Those, too, were soon across the room. Unlike last night, we were in no rush to get started. We both knew what to expect, and there was no need to hurry up and get started. No, even when we were both completely nude, we just laid there and kissed for the longest time. My spot-of-choice was on top of him, since I was then able to choose when and how everything would start. Hey, I don't _always_ like him to be in control.

By accident, I let out a small squeak in surprise when his fingers found me and hungrily entered. He looked at me with an annoyed face, telling me to shut up… point taken. With one of his hands on my head guiding the kiss and the other doing a much more pleasurable job, I subconsciously bend my left leg up to level with my chest, giving him more access – something we both wanted. I lean up and look down at him with fogged over eyes, letting him know what to do. Returning my smile, he takes me into a hug and rolls me over so he was on top of me, kissing me the whole time. Finally, after almost forty-five minutes of waiting, he slowly entered me. I had to turn my head and bite onto the sheets to keep quiet… unfortunately, it turns out this can still hurt the second time. He began nipping at my neck as he slowly began to start the action, keeping true to his form last night and staying at an almost painfully slow pace for quite some time.

"Come on already, quit teasing me. It's not cute," he let out a smirk as he pulled out completely and went back to using his hand and kissing along my neck, "I'm not joking here, just come on. I don't want Misato to see I'm not in my room."

"Relax, I want this to last awhile," he forces me to once again bite my lip as he used a spot he discovered last night while blindly searching for the first time. I finally give in and just let him take control, which turned out to be an amazing decision. He was essentially worshiping my body, that's the only way to put it. No part of me went unnoticed, at least not the parts that mattered. I must've laid there for over ten minutes, gripping the sheets with every twist of his finger, tongue on my skin, and wandering spare hand he offered me. He read my soft whines, my body movements, and facial expressions, allowing him to control how I felt and when I felt it. This power, however, is bad news for me, as he was able to keep me from climaxing time and time again until I was literally ready to pounce him.

"Please," I bend my head back as he once again hits that crucial spot, and I respond by grabbing ahold of what I wanted this whole time. It wasn't in anger – quite the contrary. I was gentle, and even went so far as to stroke him ever so slightly. This was the first real time I held him like this… it was weird. Not bad, not good, just… different. I found it odd how something so simple could make me scream in euphoria. He took me into another kiss as he repositioned himself over me, my hand still on what I want. I guide him all the way, and with a swift thrust on his part, a flame shoots through my body as I arch my back. The only reason I wasn't loud enough to wake Misato was that his lips were tightly around mine, though a muffled moan still escaped me. I can't believe he just did that… he was toying with me that whole time just so he could make me climax right away, "Idiot," I utter as softly as I could as he pulls back. Finally, he starts the actual act, and my thighs were soon level with my chest as he wrapped his arms around them and brought them up. This was a new thing for him, and I have to say, it was amazing. It allowed him to continue to kiss me, but have access like I've never felt before.

I could feel him getting close, and judging by his progressively more erratic trusts, it wasn't going to be long. In retrospect, it was a little unfair, since he knew very well that I've already gotten off twice, and I'm sure to get another before he's done, but he was the one that made sure of that. Plus, it's not like I'm complaining! He whispered in my ear that he was close, and I wrap my arms around him in a soft hug as he had his way. I knew it was safe, and I wondered how it would feel, so I made somewhat of a rash decision as he sped up. Almost simultaneously, my body quivers and another wave overpowers me as I feel him ready to have the same satisfaction.

"It's okay, leave it in," he responds with a hesitant nod as our hips pound together in random intervals, his relief finally coming to a close. It felt… amazing… it's the only way to put it. We both climaxed at the same time, and I let out three crucial words in a moment of ecstasy I much rather would have kept private. He didn't understand the severity of what I said, only kissing my neck and ear as he remained inside me, but my eyes were as wide as dinner plates. I can't believe I just said that… maybe he didn't hear me. After all, he didn't respond, right? Right. We lay perfectly still, outside of his licking at my neck, for a few moments before he finally pulls out. I lower my legs and look up at him with a smile as I continued to lay my arms around him, "Thanks, that was wonderful."

"My pleasure," he sends a mocking smile. I just chuckle and shake my head as I roll out from under him.

"Unfortunately, this is our last time doing that," I slowly pick up my clothes as I intentionally give him a show, "I don't want to make a habit of this."

"Understandable," same as last night, he watched me as I left his room. I hesitate around the corner, checking for any sign of Misato, before jetting into my room and closing the door as quickly and as quietly as possible. I feel my face burning red as I clean myself up for obvious reasons. Sure, it may not have been the most responsible thing to do, but there's no way I can get pregnant right now. I should be starting my period within a day or two, and even if an egg _did_ happen to get fertilized, it'll soon be washed out. No harm, no foul.

"I can't believe I said that! _Why_ did I even say it? I don't love that idiot! He's a good lay, that's it. A friend, sure, but nothing more. I was just caught up in the moment. That's it, Asuka, caught up in the moment," I get dressed and climb in to bed, realizing for the first time how exhausted I was, "You're going to fall asleep, forget you ever said that, and neither one of us will ever speak of it again. Including the sex."

If only.

"You put on quite the show there," she's watching me now? I roll over as usual and spit back my comment.

"You're sick."

"And you're a nymphomaniac. Either that or you love the boy. The first one I understand, but the second one was more than just having fun, don't you think dear?" I hate it when she calls me pet names like 'dear' and 'honey'. Even if she was my real mother, I'd still hate it.

"I don't have to explain myself to you, or anyone else for that matter. Leave me alone," thankfully, she did, and I was soon off to sleep. I guess I'm getting used to her visitations.

I ended up getting to Rei's late when I took a wrong turn and ended up in a district that seemed to be crawling with… well, frankly, homosexuals. There were quite a few bars lining the area, all with countless men standing outside waiting to get in. By the time I finally found her house, I had seen a thing or two I could have easily done without.

"Welcome," Rei greets me, and we almost immediately start cooking in preparation for today. I chose not to eat a breakfast, which, now that I think back, may not have been the best idea. Being around all this food wasn't helping the grumbling growing in my stomach, "We can take a break if you wish," I look up from the cutting board, covered with all food groups, to see Rei holding out a large green apple.

"I didn't eat this morning," I spoke as I took the apple and sit on the same fold out chair, which hasn't moved a centimeter from yesterday. She sits on her bed and starts fumbling with a bottle of pills that was on the medical stand.

"I guessed as much," she's obviously made it along fine with a single arm, as she defeated the child safety lock on the bottle with only one hand. Not too shabby, "I thought about what you said," without water, she pops the pill, "I have decided to confront Ikari today. If he says no, I am prepared for that. If he says yes," she paused ever so briefly, "I am less prepared."

"You'll be fine," I speak through the mouth full of apple, "You're a cute girl, he's not going to say no. Plus, he's about the only person you talk freely to, so if it wasn't him, it wouldn't be anybody else. Have some confidence. Dressing the part wouldn't hurt either," she was in a school uniform, though clearly a different one from last night.

"What do you mean?" does she not notice that I'm wearing normal clothes and not dressed like I'm headed to class?

"I mean you shouldn't wear your uniform all the time. Don't you have something else?" her silence answered my question, "Ugh… fine, you'll have to borrow something of mine. But God help you if you stain it or anything, got it?"

"Why would I borrow your clothes?" okay, I take back my opinion about Shinji being stupid.

"So you don't look like an antisocial hermit, that's why. You're trying to woo Shinji, remember? Personality only goes so far," and hers could only carry her about three inches, "You got the goods, play the part," I finish the apple and toss the core into the garbage, "Okay, back to work."

We ran somewhat behind schedule, and the 1:30 lunch turned into 2:30 when we realized that we still needed time to change _and_ get all of this food down to Nerv. Misato picked us and the food up, dropped us off at the apartment, and made her way back to Nerv. The entire ride, I was contemplating what I'd have Rei wear. On one hand, I need her to look good for Shinji, but on the other, I'm not about to lend her my favorite outfits. There needs to be somewhat of a balance… hopefully she's not too picky. In ten minutes flat, after a ten-second burst of arguing on what she'd be wearing, we were leaving the house. As cliché as it may have been, I decided to go with my sun dress. People here may have never seen me wear it, but this was a very common outfit of mine back in Germany – at least during the summer months. Rei, on the other hand, turned out to be much more difficult.

At first, she had a problem with how low the top was cut, and while she didn't say it, I knew she didn't like the tightness of the jeans I gave her. The top wasn't even that bad – sure, it showed a little cleavage, but nothing most girls wouldn't wear to school given the option. It was a simple black, button-up blouse, and even buttoned up all the way, the V-cut only reached to halfway up the sternum. As much as I originally thought the black would make her look like a vampire, she actually didn't look too bad.

"You should wear black more often, it suits you," we begin walking to the nearest bus stop, "And wipe that blush off your face. It's not that revealing."

"If I can feel wind on my torso, it's revealing," she's such a child, "I don't like this."

"You look good! Just shut up and try to enjoy yourself."

The lunch was absolutely painfully awkward. To begin with, we were in what looked like the inside of a flying saucer, with the Tree of Life painted on the ceiling and floor. It was clearly Gendo's office, as his desk sat on the far side of the structure in front of a window overlooking the Geofront. In the middle was the lunch table – an elaborately and needlessly long table that looked like something out of a science fiction cartoon. Plates and glasses were already set out on either side of the table in sets of two across from each other. All the food was already put out in fancy trays of silver down the middle of the table, and almost everyone was already there waiting. Shinji sat across from his father (great plan there), Toji sat across from Kensuke, and Akagi sat across from Misato – though, notably, she was away from Gendo. Trouble in paradise? Fortunately for both Rei and I, the seat next to Shinji was open, and I nudge her to take it… the downside was the fact that I was now between Gendo and Misato. Horrible, horrible placement.

What initially struck me as odd was just how quiet the room was. As always, Toji and Kensuke were blabbing about something, but everyone else just awkwardly looked at their plate – some were clearly more uncomfortable than others. After a quick apology from Rei for being late, we begin eating, once again in silence. Misato and Akagi both tried multiple times to start a conversation, both of them fully aware of the purpose of this dinner, but it all would fade away within minutes. The only real conversation that was had happened during dessert – which, if I might say so myself, was delicious. If it's one thing that Germans are good at, it's cooking. And music. And art. Pretty much anything that _doesn't_ involve tolerance.

"Thank you two so much for cooking! The meal was delicious," once again, Misato tried to kick up some chatter. At this point, it's getting a little sad.

"Thank you," Rei was the only one that spoke up.

"You don't look half bad, either. Is that a new outfit?" just drop it, this lunch was a disaster.

"I suppose."

"It's quite revealing, don't you think?" finally, Gendo spoke up, making Rei blush, "A girl your age shouldn't dress like that," somehow, I think he knew that I was the one to lend her the clothes, because he kept shooting glares at me when no one else was looking. Jesus, he's a creepy dude…

"I think she looks great," Akagi mumbles under her breath, but intentionally loud enough for Gendo to hear. Okay, this is going downhill fast, I better fix this.

"You know, Rei picked out all the dishes. If it wasn't for her arm, she would have done this all alone. Impressive, if you ask me," say something nice Shinji! You're the only one that hasn't said a word all day! "Don't you think, Shinji?" okay, maybe that was just a tad too forward.

"Huh? Oh, y-yeah," I could tell he was intimidated by his father, so he was far from willing to speak out freely.

"I can't believe you let civilians in here! Thanks again Commander, I really appreciate it," Kensuke – yes, I learned his name – hasn't shut up about being in Nerv since he got here apparently, "Is this your office?" Gendo replies with a simple nod as he continued to eat, "What's with the paintings? Do they do something?" Gendo finally looks at the nerd, sending him a piercing glare.

"They're just for decoration," he spoke with the voice of a demon. At least, that's how I heard it, "Remember that you signed a contract when you came in here. If you talk about anything you've seen, you will be dealt with accordingly," in other words, ship you off to a small fishing town in Alaska.

"He's just teasing!" Misato tries to lighten the situation.

"Not in the least, Major," damn, I can see how Shinji hates his father. I'm no stranger to parental issues, but this is just plain creepy. At least my mother left early, Gendo stuck around and continued to be a jerk.

"Speaking of Nerv, are you sure you don't want to come back Asuka?" is now really the time to talk about this Akagi? Old hag, "You know the whole story now, so you know what we did was with the best of intentions."

"Still a no, Doc," I take the final bite of food nonchalantly, "Get Kensuke to pilot. I'm sure he'd be great," this, predictably, caused quite the stir from him.

And this is where the night ended. People gradually filed out, saying their goodbyes and thanks, though it all meant nothing. Very few people knew what this lunch was really about, and since it was a complete disaster, Rei was far from being in a good mood – relatively speaking, of course. By the time Rei and I gathered everyone's empty bowls, only Gendo, Shinji, Rei, and I remained. Misato took the hint and said she'd wait outside for us.

"Thanks for coming, Father," only I was able to pick up on the ever-so-slight amount of searing sarcasm in his voice. I have taught him well.

"Yes," he stands up and begins walking towards the exit, "Don't forget about your sync tests tomorrow," and with that, he closed the door. No farewell, no fatherly love, not even a second glance – just emptiness. I could tell Shinji was a little hurt, but comforting him wasn't my job; it was Rei's. I silently nudge her and motion her to him with my head.

"Don't take too long Shinji, I have a show on soon," you couldn't come up with a better lie than that? You don't even watch television! You just mindlessly stare at it! Regardless, it got me out of the room, but luckily for me, they were close enough to the door to where I could hear them – with an ear pressed against the passage, of course.

"I shouldn't keep her waiting, she gets really impatient," impatient? Me?

"Wait," her voice was hurried, and almost pleading. Come on Wondergirl, don't screw this up, "I apologize, this didn't go as I planned. The commander is… difficult."

"Don't worry about it, this isn't your problem to fix. I appreciate the thought though, that meant a lot," an awkward silence overfell them. I can only imagine that they're just staring at each other, since their social skills add up to that of an untrained monkey, "You looked nice tonight. Those are Asuka's clothes, right?" of course he'd notice – he does all the laundry.

"Yes, but I don't like how much they show," get on with it! "Thank you, though," I hear him start to walk towards the door, "Ikari?" he stops, "Would you…" a pause so long that it was almost painful. It's not that hard! Just ask him! "Like to meet up? As in… a date?" there we go! See? The puppet _does_ have emotions! His response came quite a bit quicker than I thought.

"Yeah, that'd be nice. Can I call you later?" I assume she nods, "Great, I'll see you tomorrow," I leap out of the way of the door and sit on the bench, trying desperately to look like I was waiting. He, unfortunately, knows me better than that, "You had plans of your own, I see," he coolly walks past me with a smug look on his face.

"Hey, I was doing her a favor. And you for that matter! A girlfriend might just help your spine grow," I catch up to him and notice that his stature was slightly different… more upright?

"I _had_ a girlfriend before you had a brain tick and decided that it wasn't working," I can't tell if that was a jab at my current problem or just a pun, "But I'm actually kind of happy with it. I hadn't thought of it before, but I can see this lasting quite a while."

"Well good then," why is it that my stomach sank when he said that? "You gonna miss our little sessions, hm?" I nudge his ribs just slightly harder than really needed.

"Yeah, but like you said, it was just for fun. Speaking of, I get that the whole prison thing was a hallucination, but how did you bounce back so quickly? I mean, you must still remember it as being real, right?" he wants to talk about that at a time like this?

"It's hard to explain. It's different from a normal memory, but I can't really say how. Looking back, I have a few memories like that, so I'm just assuming those were fake too. I mean, don't get me wrong, it still haunts me a little, but I know it wasn't real. It's like how a kid gets over seeing a scary movie after a few days, you know? Plus, part of it was that I needed someone to be close to, even if it was just physically," well put Asuka, well put.

"That makes sense. Speaking of," he lowers his voice just slightly, "Why did you tell me to leave it in? Isn't that kind of dangerous?" he realizes that now?

"Yes, but the probability of me getting pregnant is slim to none. I'm not about to go into a sex-ed lesson, just trust me."

"And why would you be going into a sex-ed lesson, young lady?" we turn the corner to see Misato, leaning up against the wall with crossed arms and closed eyes. Oh lord… "Anything you two should tell me?" damn it all to bloody hell!

"Shinji and I had sex."

"Asuka!" Shinji cracks through his obvious testament.

"Twice," he once again repeats my name as she begins to look down on us, "What? She obviously knew, there's no point in lying. Don't worry, it's not going to happen again, him and Wondergirl are a thing now. We were only having fun, but he's in a real relationship now," I begin to walk off with both hands planted behind my head. Hey, at least I don't have to hide it anymore!

A/N – Ugh, this went completely in the opposite direction of what I wanted! Well, a new chapter will be up by Wednesday, so I'll get to the promised emotional/action chapter next time. Sorry about that. Anywho, how do you all like the direction Asuka took? Self destructive? Building up more walls? Or just finally over herself? Find out in the next chapter titled after Sonata Arctica's song, Don't Say a Word; keep on keepin' on, and remember to review!


	6. Don't Say a Word

Chapter 6: Don't Say a Word

A/N – I took the lyrics out of order, but those are wild, huh? Matches up perfectly!

_Open your blue eyes, tell me that you love me, whore_

_Make me believe it, oh I know you're lying_

_Strawberry blonde, your stranglehold on my heart is bound to end_

_I suppose, life sometimes it doesn't go the way it was meant_

"You know Honey, you did a nice thing, putting the First and Third together. Too bad you sacrificed your own happiness to do it. Foolish, if you ask me," two weeks have passed since those two got together, and you could have sworn that they were glued to the hip. Except at home, I never see Shinji without Rei, and vice versa… hell, sometimes she even follows him home. It's cute and all, but just a tad pathetic. As per my suggestion, Rei went shopping soon after they hooked up and got herself some normal clothes. I'm not sure who, but someone certainly went with her – there's no way she put together a complete wardrobe by herself.

"I wasn't dating him. He's just a friend, and was a good lay. Nothing else," I speak as I try to read a book; I've progressed two pages in the last hour because of her non-stop talking. Ever since they started dating, she's come around a lot more, even going as far as to have full conversations with me. This worries me, since I'm not entirely sure what else I've imagined.

"Your cry of love to him begs to differ. People don't just yell out random things when they climax, dear," I make one mistake, and she's on me like a hawk. God I hate her…

"I meant I loved the sex, not him. Get your facts right," the woman lives in my head. You think she'd have a better knowledgebase, "Do you mind? I'm really trying to read here."

"Oh, don't mind me, I'll just go about my business," she disappeared into a black fog, only to be replaced with Misato walking into my room.

"Talking to her isn't going to help," she sets a small plate of crackers and cheese on my nightstand, "Here, eat something. You've been reading all day," all day? It's barely two in the afternoon!

"Any luck on getting rid of her?" I turn another page in the book without looking up, "Or the visions period? They're becoming more frequent, you know. I talk to friends at school about things I thought happened, and they look at me like I'm crazy. I used to be able to look back on memories and tell if they were real or not, but now everything's a blur," she sighs as she sits on a still-unpacked box of clothes.

"We're trying, trust me. Rather, Akagi and another neurologist are trying. All they can tell is that something is wrong with your brain, but they can't pinpoint what it is."

"Of course they can't," I can guarantee that if this happened to Gendo or Akagi herself, this would have been resolved weeks ago, "Hell, I don't even know if _this_ is real. I could be taking a shower right now for all I know," apparently, I act completely normal when I black out, which is why people have trouble understanding my problem, "I guess I'll figure that out when I talk to you tomorrow," Misato has always been the over caring, mother type. In situations when she knows she can't help anything, she simply remains silent, "Whatever's happening to me, it's getting worse with time. Even when I know things are real, I see things that shouldn't be there. Really subtle, stupid things, like a whiteboard where a chalkboard should be. Or people wearing normal clothes to school. But I have a theory."

"By all means."

"It's been what, four weeks since the last angel attacked? That's the longest time since the Second Impact. I think that my visions and the lack of angels are linked somehow," I haven't gotten quite that far yet.

"That's… actually a very good point."

"My little girl is so smart!" God I hate her…

"Shut up, seriously," Misato cocks her head to the left, "Sorry, not you. Kyoko again," I refuse to call her 'mom', "Back to my point. Are we sure that I'm the only one having these visions? What if the angels are trying to infect all of the other pilots? I mean, Akagi didn't catch my issue right away, and she only found it after she was actually looking for it. Has she checked Shinji and Rei?" how is it none of this has occurred to them?

"Yeah," oh, "They're clean. Good theory, but I think it's just a coincidence. Frankly, we don't even know why you're having these visions – that is, if an angel is controlling them. All I can really say is that we're working on it," I close my book and look up at the ceiling.

"It doesn't matter, I'm getting used to it. It kind of keeps life interesting, you know? At least I'm not completely crazy, that's what I keep telling myself."

"We're going to get you fixed, I promise," don't promise things you can't deliver, "On a more positive note, where's Shinji? I haven't seen him all day."

"Or last night, if you remember. He spent the night at Rei's. He told you about it yesterday during lunch, don't you remember? But before you freak out, don't worry about them. Rei is a _long_ way from letting Shinji see so much as her bra, let alone sleeping with him. And plus, Shinji would tell me," mainly because I demand to know how far their relationship has gotten. It's more to protect Rei really – it's her first true boyfriend, and I don't want her rushing into it like I did.

"What makes you think he'd tell you?"

"I just know. Even if he didn't, I'd be able to tell if they did anything. Shinji has a certain stature about him the day after. I'll be sure to let you know if the couple goes boom boom, promise," I joke as I grab a cracker from the plate, "Thanks for the food."

"I'm still disappointed that you slept with Shinji, by the way," of course she is, "Your first time should be with someone you love, not just for fun."

"Misato, I vividly remember my first time being on the floor of a prison cell with a guy I've never seen before. I don't care if it happened or not, that's what I remember. Sex doesn't mean anything to me because of that," this is a fairly recent conclusion of mine, but it makes perfect sense. When I realized that the rape was all in my head, I got over it quickly, but my opinion on sex drastically changed. I can't tell if that's good or bed just yet, "Plus, no bad came from it. I didn't get pregnant, and I had a good time. A great time, actually."

"Okay, I don't need to know how he is in bed. I'm just saying that maybe you should reconsider your view on sex, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll work on it," no I won't, "Did you need anything else? I've been trying to read."

"Actually, yes, there is one more thing," she stands up and pulls a card out of her back pocket, holding it out to me, "We want you back. For some reason, your Eva refuses to accept any other pilot, even a dummy plug, and we're not about to just throw it away," I laugh as I take another cracker, completely ignoring her outreached hand.

"Didn't I make it clear that I'm not going to pilot? Just send it back to Germany, I'm sure they can get it to work."

"We thought you'd say no, so we have some incentive. Along with the other two pilots, you will start to be paid for your services," I hate it when she gets all official like this, "And, beyond that, we'll be able to try and help you out much more if you're in the Eva. When you're in there, we get regular brain scans, which could help Akagi fix you," okay, that was a much better motivator…

"You all have three weeks," I take the card and open back up my book, "If it takes longer than that, I'm out. If you find a treatment, I'll keep on piloting. Deal?" she stayed silent, obviously taken back by me deadline, "Take it or leave it."

"Fine, I'll tell the Commander. You three have a sync test in an hour; call Shinji and Rei, and meet me out at the car. I'll give you a ride," not like I was reading or anything. I opted to just text Shinji and let him deal with it, "Before you get there and freak out," we begin walking out of the apartment, "We decided to go with the new plug suits. They make sync scores slightly higher, but I don't understand why. Ask Akagi if you're curious," seriously? I was fine wearing it when I was alone, but now people are going to be watching! Not much I can do about it, I guess.

The new couple was surprised to see me back at Nerv, but oddly enough, very few employees seemed to be fazed by it at all. Word must have gotten out that I was coming back before Misato even offered me the job. Arrogant pricks. The sync test was fairly routine; I had the highest score, regardless of the fact that I've been out of commission for over a month. Akagi had me stay in the entry plug much longer than the other two pilots to run a few different scans on me. By the time everything was said and done, about three hours had passed.

"Okay Asuka, you're done here. I'll meet you outside, we need to talk," great, as if I wanted to talk to her. There's nothing she can't tell me through Misato.

"Make it quick, I hate standing here in this suit," I cross my arms for more than one reason as I looked up at her.

"I know what Misato told you, but there's actually something we can do to help. As you know, the brain is split up into sections – some parts control memory, hearing, sight, reasoning, and so on. The odd part with you is that your frontal lobe – the reasoning, foreshadowing, and problem solving lobe – seems to be working very differently. It's actually interrupting other lobes, taking on their duties, and throwing those duties to other lobes. For instance, you remember something from your past, your frontal lobe intercepts the memory, and throws it to the vision and hearing. Hence the hallucinations. From what you've told us, everything you've experienced could be from a memory. Prisons from movies or television, your mother for obvious reasons… frankly, anything. You're old enough to where you've seen a good majority of the world at work, so your mind can make any memory a reality," she acts like the brain is throwing a ball. It doesn't work that way, idiot!

"I majored in neurology, Akagi. You don't have to talk down to me."

"Actually, I do, because I don't understand it fully. I never studied neurology outside of the most basic – Dr. Chakwas, the neurologist we flew in, is the one coming up with all of this. She also has a treatment," she pulled out a large bottle of pills from her pocket, "It's temporary, but this should make your lobes semi-independent, like they should be."

"Or it could make them completely independent, leaving me a blithering idiot. I'll pass. Come up with something better," I start to walk towards the locker room. Are they stupid? They're going to cut off connections in my freaking _brain_? That's the worst idea I've ever heard!

"This is all there is. Take it or leave it. Either way, you still have to pilot. The deal was that we come up with a treatment, not whether you liked it or not," great, no doubt those men in black suits were recording every word I said to Misato.

"Fine," I storm back and grab the pills, glaring at her, "But if I feel so much as lightheaded, I'll be back," what was I supposed to do? At least this way, if it doesn't work, they can find something else. If I just cut off everything here, then there's no hope for fixing me… I can't believe I've turned into a guinea pig for these dogs! There's no way this drug has gone through animal testing yet! "Bastards," I pop one of the pills and struggle to down the huge pill without water, "One every twenty-four hours," I mumble the label aloud to myself as I walk, "Side effects include nausea, stomach cramping, headaches, insomnia, blurred vision, bloating, anal leakage, confusion," wait… "Akagi!" I whip around to see her standing, rubbing the bridge of her nose in annoyance, "Anal leakage? Seriously? What does that even _mean_?" I already took a pill! I was screaming to the point that my voice was echoing in the large hangar. People heard. People stared.

"It means you shouldn't wear expensive clothing until you know how it affects you," and with that, she turned and began walking away.

"This is such bull!" I can't believe this! The side effects are worse than the visions! At least I don't have to wear a diaper with the visions! Not like I have much of a choice, though. The visions are clearly getting worse as time goes on, and they might end up completely taking over my life. I start changing the locker room, still mumbling curses to myself.

"You are quite loud when angry," Rei, on the other side of the wall made of lockers, spoke, "What upset you?" ever since I helped her cook, she's become much friendlier with me. I suppose the fact that she's dating now could've helped that too… regardless, she's grown emotionally. She's actually not that bad of a person to talk to once she opens up.

"Read," I toss the bottle over the lockers, surprised that she caught it. A few seconds pass before she responds.

"That is… disturbing," she throws the pills back, "And those are for your hallucinations?"

"Yeah, they're supposed to help. I doubt they'll do anything though," I finish throwing on my clothes and sit down – I might as well wait for her, "So, how're you and Ikari? Good, I hope."

"We're fine. There's nothing really to say. He took me to dinner last night, and spent the rest of the night at my house," I wonder who's great idea that was…

"Yeah, I know. So, you two have fun, hm?" I love teasing her!

"You could… say that, yes," holy crap!

"Whoa, hold on, I was joking! You two actually did something? Spill it, what went down?" they're way too early in the relationship to be having sex already, and she's too shy, so they must have done something much different.

"I did not mean anything sexual. If you're curious, we had our first real kiss," about time. All they've done so far are innocent pecks on the lips, and even that took a week to get to, "Why are you interested?" I'm actually pretty surprised she gave up details like that so quickly.

"I just am. I mean, I hooked you two up, so shouldn't I be able to ask questions?" that logic didn't even make sense to me, but she didn't argue. I stand up and stretch my arms towards the ceiling, "Hey, when you see Shinji, tell him to meet me outside. I'm not about to walk home alone this time of night," it was just starting to get dark, and by the time we actually would start to walk, the streetlights would be on. I've never liked being alone on the streets in this city, so I'll be damned if I'll be alone in them at night. About fifteen minutes passed of me waiting by the exit before he finally decided to grace me with his presence.

"Sorry that took so long," Rei's not here? "You didn't have to wait for me."

"I wasn't. You're my protection. I'm not about to walk around here alone," we start walking down the familiar street, "Akagi gave me some meds to help the visions."

"Really? That's great! I'm glad to hear it," that was false enthusiasm if I've ever heard it, "Hopefully they do the trick."

"Same," an awkward silence overfell us, but I had no idea _why_ it was awkward. He didn't say anything stupid like he normally does, I wasn't feeling weird, and nothing out of the ordinary happened. The conversation just… died off. Why is that weird?

"I'm glad you're back and piloting again. It makes us all feel a lot safer. Sure, I'm pretty good, but nothing compared to what you can do. In fact, when you were gone, everyone at Nerv was nervous out of their minds at the thought of how Rei and I could handle an angel by ourselves," a single teenage girl goes out of the picture for a month, and everyone flips out? I have trouble believing that, "I assume the whole drug thing was part of the deal?"

"Unfortunately," I can't shake this feeling… "But I admit, it feels good to be back in my Eva. I belong there," and nowhere else, quite frankly, "No doubt an angel will come along any day now, knowing my luck," he laughs nervously, "I just hope my hallucinations don't get in the way. If I'm blacked out, there's no way I'm as good of a pilot, no matter how Asuka-like I am."

"I'm sure those pills will help out," when did I tell him they were pills? "Hey, you hungry?" rubbing my temples, I utter a 'mhm' before falling back onto the sofa immediately after we enter the apartment. I don't really even have a headache… it's weird. I'm not dizzy, seeing blurs, or anything else the medication said. I just have a clouded mindset, like I'm drunk – assuming I know what that feels like. But it's not like that exactly… I just can't think straight. Though, I suppose this beats anal leakage! "Hm? What's funny?" he peeks out from the kitchen as I chuckle to myself.

"Don't worry about it. What's cooking?"

"Just some stir fry. Misato either needs to go shopping or give me money to do it, because there's no food in this house that doesn't say 'add water' on it," some guardian she is. She can't even keep healthy food in the house. Why am I thinking that way? She's a _great_ mother! Better than most out there! I'd never call her so, but I certainly do see her as a mother, and I'm sure Shinji feels the same way. Even my stepmom didn't care for me like Misato does… I'm such a horrible person for thinking about her like that! "Food's ready," I groan as I force myself to my feet.

"Do we have any Advil or something? I don't feel right," I knew damn well we didn't.

"No, why? Is the medication getting to you? Maybe we should call Akagi," I sit in front of the plate he sat out and start eating.

"Don't bother, I'm fine. I'm probably just tired, I haven't done a sync test in ages," across the table from me, he copies my action, "You said that you were worried about piloting without me there. What happened to the whole thing about you not caring? When I first got here, you couldn't care less if you lived or died. That doesn't go away in a couple months."

"It didn't, but it wasn't quite as black and white as what you said. It's not that I didn't care, it's that I didn't see the point in going through all the trouble to fight. If we're meant to die, then we're meant to die," he takes a short pause, and I see a small smile cross his face. If I hadn't been paying attention to his face, there's no way I would have caught it.

"You didn't answer my question," I spoke with a stern voice. I'm not in the mood for his riddle-esque speech.

"I was worried," he paused for a moment, staring down at his plate, "For Rei. I need to protect her," so he's the knight in shining armor now? Give me a break.

"I always took you for the protective type. Never thought it would be this early in the game, but still."

"It's different. People like Misato, Ritsuko, Toji, even my father… yeah, I feel an obligation to help them, but not _protect_ them. I can fail at helping, but I can't fail at protecting. If I failed at protecting, then I didn't really care for the person, now did I?" I flick a rice grain at him with a smirk.

"How cute, Rei's grown on you. I knew it," he let out a weak smile, never looking up at me.

"I know we've only been dating for two weeks, but Rei…" he took what seemed like an eternity to reply. At least, long enough for me to finish off the majority of my meal, "I love her, I really do."

He might as well have punched me in the stomach… no, it was worse than that. No pain in my life has ever made me actually vomit, and yet here I am. My ears were blasting with a ringing sound, leaving the rest of the world in an under-water state in terms of noise. My stomach was absolutely on fire – it felt like I just swallowed hot lead! What the hell is happening to me? Why does this hurt so much? I don't care if he dates that doll! He was never anything more to me than a sex toy! Why does this hurt? I feel his hand on my back, and I whip around, elbowing the side of his face in the process and sending him to the floor.

"You _love _her? How could you possibly love that albino tramp? She can't even speak like a normal human! You don't know the meaning of love! She let you taste her, and now you think you love her? You're insane! You shouldn't love her!" still completely dumbfounded at the situation, he just stares up at me with wide eyes and a hand on his face, "You were the first boy I kissed! I let you take me! How could you love _her_?" The sour taste. The blurred vision. The ringing in my ears. Everything came to a head all at once, and I realize what I just said.

I realize what I just felt.

Still gripping my aching abdomen, I dash into my room and slam the door shut, sliding to the floor and burying my face into my hands. What just happened? Why did I flip out like that? Why am I hurting so bad right now? I don't care about him! I can't stand anything about him! But how could he love her? He barely even knows her! His emotions shouldn't be wasted on such a doll!

"Asuka, we need to talk," he stands outside my door, not daring to come in without my approval.

"We don't need to talk about anything! Just go back to your perfect relationship in your perfect life!" I'm not even controlling my yelling any more – the words are just pouring out of me as I feel them. I don't care if I hurt his feelings! He obviously doesn't care about mine!

"You were the one that broke it off with me, remember?" he adds a bit of sternness to his voice, but still didn't come in, "If you wanted to be with me, you shouldn't have dumped me," I hear him storm off and slam his door, leaving me alone. Like I wanted to be. Who does he think he is? He's not in my mind! He has no idea what I want! He thinks he's such a catch, but you know what? He's nothing more than a pathetic child! I did him a favor of hooking him up with Rei, and he goes and starts to love her after only two weeks? Who does that? Sure, she loves him, but what does she know?

"I hate you!" I scream at the absolute top of my lungs at him as I grip my head. Why am I feeling this all of the sudden? I don't hate him… I don't hate him at all… why has he done this to me? I haven't lived a particularly negative life, right? I've done everything that's been expected of me, and did it far beyond what anyone could have predicted. I outrank most people in the military, I have more of an education that the vast majority of the world's population, and I do nothing but bear the burden of other people's problems every day of my life without complaints. Why am I being punished by this damn boy haunting my thoughts?

I don't deserve this! I've earned the right to be happy! I've worked by entire life trying to be happy, and all that happens is me being stepped on time and time again. I told him I loved him! As much as I tried to convince myself he didn't hear me in the cry of ecstasy, I know very well he did! How could he treat me like that when he knows how I feel? I love you, damn it! Don't be with her! Look at me! Hold my hand! Kiss me! Touch me! I don't care what you do to me, just don't leave!

"I'll do whatever you want…" still gripping my head, I speak in a whisper even I could barely hear, "Just please… everyone, stop leaving me…"

Time passed like cold molasses, but the odd thing was I couldn't remember a damn bit of it. At some point, I got into bed and fell asleep, but I don't remember doing any of that. I just woke up to the sound of my phone ringing – no explanation of last night, no reason why I can't remember anything, nothing…

"Asuka, be ready in five minutes. I'm coming to pick you up. The thirteenth angel has appeared," what the hell? She never picks us up! She hung up before I could say a single word, and I was in no mood to question the existence of this angel. As quickly as possible, I throw on clothes – a simple pair of jeans and a white t-shirt – and yell at Shinji to get ready. Still awkward from last night, he didn't respond, but I heard his getting ready. What the hell happened to me last night? The feelings are… still there… it actually hurts. Our eyes finally meet in a hasted stare when we got into the living room.

"I'm sorry about last night," those words were disgusting to say, but I had to get it out there, "Just forget about everything, come on," I lead the way out of the house and see a familiar blue sports car screech to a halt below us as sirens began going off. It's been a long time, hasn't it? "Any word on what we're facing?" she sped off towards Nerv in complete silence. I catch a glimpse of her eyes through the rear view mirror, and what I saw disturbed me. She didn't look scared, angry, upset, or any other emotion I could pinpoint. She was just… hiding something from us.

"Misato?" Shinji finally spoke up. By the sounds of his voice, he didn't get much sleep last night.

"I'll debrief you when you get in the Eva," I've never heard so speak so coldly before, even when she's in her work-mode, as I like to call it. Her tone shut both Shinji and I up for the rest of the ride. Within ten minutes, we were changed and in our respective Evas – Unit 00 was absent, so she clearly got here long before us. We were both shot to the surface simultaneously, and what was clearly the angel stood in the distance. I couldn't make out any features, but it looked fairly similar to a human, though it was hunched over and bulging at the back. Only a silhouette was present.

"Is that it? Why isn't it moving?"

"Yes, and we don't know. Both of you will attack it together. Don't give it time to react – just get the job done," Akagi spoke through the intercom, sounding quite stern herself.

"Shouldn't we wait for Rei? It'd be a lot easier with three pilots," Shinji responds with a shaking voice.

"I'm letting you know right now, if you give us problems like last time, we have no vices with using the dummy system again," no… "You are to eliminate the angel at all costs, do you understand?" that's why she sounds so cold…

"Rei!" I try to connect with her, "I know you can hear me! You have to take control!" why does this keep happening? "I don't want to hurt you!" the bad part is, I did. Badly. I wanted to see her suffer, but if that happens, Shinji will go through the same thing. I can't bear to see him like that.

"Shin… ji…" the sound of that girl's voice will haunt me for the rest of my life. I've never heard something so pathetic, demonic, and pleading for death… it was horrible. The sound of bones cracking and skin splitting echoed through the audio link as she spoke, "Please… help…" a video popped up, showing what, at first, looked like a pure red cloud. My eyes adjusted to the dimmed light and murky LCL to see a truly horrifying sight. It was Rei – there's no doubt about that – but something hellish happened to her. Her face was constantly contorting; the jaw bone would randomly pop in and out of place, and the more solid bones in her cheeks and forehead were moving to create the sight of maggots under her skin. The left side of both her top and bottom lips was completely missing, displaying bloody teeth and raw muscle. Her left eye wasn't gone, but it was far from use – it looked like someone took a white-hot iron to it, and only burnt flesh remained. Her other eye was just as horrible… pitch black… I couldn't look at it.

"No…" I hear Shinji mumble as he takes in the sight. Her plug suit was completely shredded, and pieces randomly drifted through the liquid. While she was nude, nothing erotic could be seen. Her entire torso was covered in yellow blisters, ranging in size from a pea all the way to a grapefruit, that were constantly pulsating and bursting in clouds of yellow, red tinge. Both arms floated freely to her sides, un moving, though only vaguely resembling something human. Makeshift joints were created by bones broken at right angles, and several fingers from each hand were missing. The most horrifying part was the fact that I could still recognize her; that blue hair never left and seemed to be untouched by the blood-soaked LCL. Her gentle features were reminiscent on the right side of her face, but even that had a few trailing boils and burns.

"Please… kill… me…" I hear Shinji gag through the other audio link, but I could tell he didn't vomit.

"Isn't she beautiful?" another voice comes from her link, and that same white-haired boy from before comes out from behind her seat. Looking at me through the video link, he places a hand on Rei's face – the side torn to shreds – and gently kisses the top of her head, "She's to be the next bringer of things."

"Don't… touch her," Shinji speaks through grunts, and I glance over to see his Eva randomly popping off pieces of armor to reveal a fleshy, pink skin tone, "Get off of her!" it amazed me just how quickly Unit 01 sprinted towards his love, and I had to give it my all just to barely keep up, "I'll kill you!" as I got closer to Unit 00, I could see the damage to Rei wasn't only present on her body. Her Eva had similar boils covering the entire body, and the huge hunch on its back was actually, what looked like, a pulsating tumor. It was a truly sickening sight – something only seen in video games and raunchy snuff films. It hunched over in a monkey-like stance with blood pouring from its neck and face.

"Be careful!" Misato screams through the audio link, but by then, Shinji had already jumped in the air, aiming to land on Unit 00. I draw my knife, and decide to take the lower ground. If what we're seeing is true… we can't let Rei live. She's in too much pain, we have to kill her… Shinji lets out a primal scream as he landed on Unit 00, only to be thrown off in a move that looked half highly trained, and half drunken madness on the part of Rei. I manage to sink my blade into her left ribs, forcing a scream from her throat.

"I'm sorry, I'll make this quick," using the knife as a handle, I swing her Eva around, wrap my other arm around her chin, and snap the neck in the opposite direction. I made complete, straight eye contact with her Eva, regardless of the fact that her back was to me, "I'm so sorry," I wouldn't wish this on anyone, not even her. The Eva fell to its knees for a moment before falling the rest of the way, and her audio link finally falls silent. Before I even have the chance to look up, I feel myself being thrown back as I look up at Shinji's Eva. He held me down, and his face popped up on screen. A steady stream of tears flowed from his eyes, only to be instantly absorbed by the liquid environment.

"We could have saved her! She was still alive!" he punched my Eva square in the face, giving me a strong nosebleed. He reaches up to repeat the motion, but by then, I had my bearings. I manage to roll him over so I was on top, holding him down in a mirrored position of what he did to me.

"Get ahold of yourself! Did you see her? She was begging to die! Stop being so selfish!" a familiar video link pops up to show Rei with her head turned completely around, though her chest was still rising in a breathing fashion. Her head slowly snapped around, sending a bone cracking sound through our audio. Even when her head was facing the correct direction, the impression of a bone still stuck out from the right side of her neck. The boy still hovered above her, though he now looked furious.

"That was a mistake."

A/N – Slightly shorter, yes, but I've updated twice this weekend. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. Anyway, there's the promised emotional/action chapter! Clearly, this is not the end. What exactly was going on with Asuka? What went wrong with Rei, and what does the white-haired boy have to do with it? Find out in the next chapter, Legion, titled by a song written by Hammerfall; keep on keepin' on!


	7. Legion

Chapter 7: Legion

A/N – This chapter is going to be quite a bit longer than the others, and because of this, I'm splitting it up into different sections. These sections will have the heading of lyrics to Legion that will correspond to what will happen (roughly, of course). Enjoy!

_The demon twelve, the hell hounds_

_My name is Legion, for we are many spirits inside of one_

_To build a land of chaos brought forth from the abyss_

_My name is Legion, and we bring destruction and death_

"That was a mistake," I jump off Shinji, and luckily for me, he was in no mood to attack me. No sooner did he scramble to his feet did he tackle Unit 00 to the ground, holding her down like he did me.

"Rei! Fight this! You have to get out of there!" instead of fighting back, her Eva just laid there, and Kaworu slowly broke a smile. It seemed as if he mentally forced Rei to do the same, because her jaw gradually snapped to the side, creating a pseudo-smile. Her eyes were pleading for help, regardless of the fact we couldn't see any features of Rei in them.

"It seems that the Mother has grown fond of you, boy," reaching down, he took her right breast in his hand as he kissed the bare teeth on her face.

"Get off her! I'll kill you!" those words actually startled me a bit. He's always been so afraid of piloting in fear that he could hurt someone on the ground, and yet here he is, essentially promising to take another's life.

"Kill me…" her skin began to split in a long, vertical line beginning from her collarbone and eventually reaching beyond what the camera could see, "Kill me…" she repeated that over and over, gradually increasing the intensity as another gash formed perpendicular to the first, crossing her entire chest to finally form a crucifix, "Kill me!" in a final scream and a smile from Kaworu, the middle four corners of the cross split open, revealing her innards. No… no, it was worse than that. Even her insides have been ravaged by whatever has happened. Her whole rib cage was burnt to a crisp, and all organs that could be seen were either completely yellow with boils, or just as black as her eyes. I didn't notice it at first, but what looked like small primates, no bigger than my thumb nail, crawled out from every nook and cranny within her.

"Shinji! Just kill her! You're letting her suffer!" I didn't dare go near him, but I screamed for him to do the right thing.

"No! She's still alive!" he's useless!

"That's it, I've had enough," I grab his Eva and throw him as far as possible, "Misato! He's not going to fight. Use the dummy system," I look down at Unit 00 to see nothing but crushed concrete where she should be, "Crap," where the hell did she go? And how did she move so quickly?

"Asuka! The elevator!" I whip around to see her Eva shoot down towards Nerv, and I jump down the shaft with her. Hey, at least Shinji will be out of the way now, "You have to take it out! She can't reach Lilith, no matter what!" Lilith?

"Do you wish to be a part of this?" Kaworu speaks through the audio link as we travel down – I was falling just as quickly as they were descending, leaving me hovering a few hundred yards above them, "We could always use two Mothers."

"Shut up! You're not doing anything!" the elevator stops, and Unit 00 moves out of the way with such speed that I hit the floor where she was once standing. This thing can apparently move quickly in short bursts, but is otherwise no more than a zombie with a broken leg. I've never seen this area of Nerv before… it looked like a giant sewer tunnel that went on far beyond what I could see in the dimly lit area.

"You'll be with your mother forever. You'll be loved by all. You'll have everything you ever wanted if you let this come to fruition," she stumbled away, down the corridor, and I sprinted after her only to stop me in my tracks as he continued, "He'll love you. You two would spend eternity together in pure bliss," as he spoke, the Eva continued down the tunnel.

"Asuka… stop him…" only the audio link was open, but I could only imagine her pleading face, "Please," I stayed still for a moment, and for a brief moment in time, everything made sense. What I had to do, why I was here, and where I needed to be – I saw past what I wanted, and finally caught a vision of what everyone else needed.

"Yeah… hey Rei?" I wasn't expecting an answer, but I paused simply because the words were hard to get out, "Thanks… for being a friend," I begin to walk, slowly speeding up to a run towards her.

"You too," she let out a painful series of coughs, "Take care… of him… okay?" I smile and nod as I finally catch up.

"I'll try to make this quick, I promise," I go to grab her Eva, only to have it start to sprint down the tunnel. I don't get this thing! How can it do that? I'm running as fast as I possibly can, and I'm only barely keeping up to it. My power cable ran out shortly after I started running, and a full minute passed before Unit 00 slowed down. When that happened, we entered a room absolutely filled with LCL that came up to my Eva's shins, with a large white humanoid pinned to a cross in the middle, "Lilith, I presume?"

"Isn't she lovely?" I don't have time to chatter, I need to finish this as soon as possible. She once again began to run, but I managed to grab ahold of her ankle, making quick work of it as I ripped off the entire right leg. Half of her scream came through before I cut off communication – I can't hear this. The Eva began crawling towards the monument with impressive speed, but of course, I was able to pin her down without much trouble. Thrash by thrash, I tear at the tumor on her Eva's back, looking for her entry plug. I wasn't planning on saving her in the least; even if this thing can still move without her in it, my priority is killing her. I wouldn't let a dog go through that kind of pain, I'm not about to let… someone I care about.

"Damn it!" I feel tears leak from my eyes and disperse into the LCL as I imagine the pain she's going through. I'm going as fast as I can! I'm almost there! "Come on!" I finally dig through enough flesh and bone to find the white tube, "I'm so sorry…" I pull it out with a gentle nature that surprised even me, "Rei…" in a quick action, I use both hands to press either end of the tube together, finally ending her pain. By the time I threw it to the side, it was no bigger than a small car, but the pulsating of her Eva told me I was far from done.

"Impressive. I didn't think you'd go through with it," the voice didn't come from my audio link… is it outside? "It doesn't change anything. We just need a different host now," my eyes finally catch a vision of him a few hundred yards away, just floating in mid-air, "You're not exactly the cleanest choice, but you'll have to do," in a blink of an eye, he jetted over to right in front of my face – that is, _inside_ my Eva.

"Like hell!" slamming my fist down, I eject the entry plug, and my world goes dark. I was absolutely terrified, mainly because he was still in here with me, but more so of what could be my future. When the plug finally took a resting spot, I crawled out as quickly as possible. Where do I even plan on going? The LCL is too deep to stand in, and I'm not exactly the best swimmer. Even if that freak doesn't chase after me, I'd probably end up drowning before anyone came to help! Wait… can I breath in this?

"How pathetic," as I swam away, I hear him hovering above me. I didn't take the time to look, though, "You know your future, and yet you choose to fight it," taking a leap of faith, I go under the surface and take a deep breath in. I have no idea what I plan on doing, but I'm not about to go down without a fight! I was swimming under the surface for no more than thirty seconds before I realized I was getting light headed. Why can't I breathe in this?

"Damn!" I pop up and cough out the liquid, taking in deep gulps of fresh air. I can't believe this… I'm really going to die here…

"Don't worry, your love will be here soon enough," I hear a distant slam – no doubt another elevator, "Pray he sees you in time. Perhaps he won't step on you, hm?" with a final smile down to me, I keep myself afloat as I see him float towards Lilith. The epicenter of the Third Impact… at least it'll be quick, right? By the time Shinji was finally in the massive room, Kaworu was only a few feet from Lilith, just staring up at her. Shinji stopped in his tracks when he sees Rei's Eva and her crushed entry plug just a few yards away. I noticed he didn't even glance at my fallen Eva.

"Shinji! He's over there!" I frantically wave my arms at the beast across the room – there's no way he saw me. My entry plug shot clear over to the opposite side of the room; I'm probably no more than a rice grain in a lake to him. Shinji took the low road and, regardless of the fact his three minutes were counting down, kneeled down beside Rei's crushed tube and picked it up with the care of a fabergé egg, clearly mourning his loss.

"Feeling depressed about death is pointless," I feel myself begin to rise into the air as Kaworu spoke, "Birth, life, death – they're all relative," soon enough, I was several stories above the LCL, all the while floating towards Lilith and Kaworu, "Are you ready, Mother?" I try to move when I got close enough to him, only to find my limbs being pinned by an unseen force.

"Go to hell!" with a smile, he places a hand on my forehead, sending a warm sensation throughout my entire body.

"You feel Her, don't you? She's accepting you quite well, I have to say."

"Who? What did you do to me?" I yell at him as I try to lung forward, but of course, this was pointless.

"Lilith, my dear. What you see before you is merely Lilith's body – a physical manifestation of weak proportions. But you," he slides his hand to the side of my face, "You are her soul. That girl – Rei, was it? – proved to be a horrid host. Probably due to her past, no?" her past? "It doesn't matter, young one," he leans in and gently pecks my lips, afterwards pulling back just far enough so I could see his blood red eyes, "Do you feel it?" I take a breath to respond, but all at once, my vision went black… no, black doesn't define it.

I couldn't see anything, but I was far from blind. It was actually superior to vision, somehow… I saw through the eyes of Shinji, Kaworu, Misato, Gendo, Akagi, and millions of others, and yet nothing but black was present. I felt what they felt, understood what they saw, and I comprehended all emotions, no matter how foreign. My physical body was absolutely useless – not in the manner that I couldn't move, but in the manner that it didn't matter. I realized it was meaningless… everything. Like a veteran nihilist mixed with the most optimistic child, I understood everything, and nothing had meaning beyond a superficial value. In an instant, my opinions, views, and emotions were dashed away as I saw fit. There is no right, there is no wrong, and there is no opinion… no, there only _is_.

The only things that matter are the things that are. Existence? The mind? Reality? Fiction? What are these things? Terms I could easily define from the time I was five become abstract concepts to me; in the true reality, why does it matter? These are just things falsely created that our perceptions accepted. This… this is the true existence.

Nirvana, Heaven, afterlife, eternal peace…

None of that! There is no location! There is no plane! All of us – all murderers, politicians, doctors, rapists, judges, retailers, children, men, women – are not truly individuals. How could we possibly think that? What could have driven us to think we have control over our lives? The actions of the murderers drive the rest of us to perform differently in the world. Like a single domino toppling over trillions of others, an action of one individual changes the face of the planet forever. Even that initial action was caused by something! We condition each other to act the way we do. Free will? A myth. Something so ridiculous it's amazing just how widely accepted it is as fact. The absolute only reason we feel separated is because we have told ourselves since day one that that we're all individuals. Saying something doesn't change facts, only perceptions! I understood Shinji's pain, I felt Misato's anger, I pitied humans with Kaworu, and I looked down on physical things we call items as false representations of what they actually _are_.

'God is in his heaven. All is right with the world.'

God? Heaven? Right? World? What does that even mean? Every part of that statement is a lie! We are God! Every single one of us is God! Heaven is nothing more than a fairy tale told to children too naïve to comprehend the truth. Right? There is no wrong, and by default, there is no right! Not a single person on the planet can do the right thing, and just as well, they can't do the wrong thing. These positive and negative terms are only instilled in us through perceptions, which are just as much of a lie as physical beings. And the world… just as much as we are God, we are the world. God has endless power to create anything He wants. We wanted solid land to stand on. Nothing more.

No… no, this is all wrong! God doesn't exist, even in us. Saying that He is on the same field of existence as us is insulting, and saying that we are God is to defile the very foundation of His creation. He doesn't exist, can't be explained, and is completely indivisible. As humans, we're only able to say what He is not, but never say what He is. He is not a rock, a tree, a human, a cloud, a father, but what is He? By denying the finite, we slowly approach the infinite. Saying that God is good and wise is true to the human perception, but these words are such a fractional portion of the truth that they might as well be false. Reason suggests that if God is neither wise nor good, then he is lame and evil. This is also true, but only by the smallest margin. God is simple, yet so complex all human minds put together can't even begin to comprehend it. I understand it! I know Him! He is what all is not!

In an instant, everything fades. All of my knowledge, understanding, and perceptions were gone. I realized that I had the ability to think on that level at one point, but it was gone… I imagine this is what an elderly person with dementia feels like. My lungs fills with a painful burst of air as I gasp, only to be forced back out as I cough. My entire body aches, right down to my fingernails. A blinding light forces my eyes shut, but I could feel myself still in a plug suit.

"Shinji? Misato?" I speak through the coughs as I sit up, "Where…" my eyes finally adjust to the light, "Am I?"

_Three temptations written down_

_The lust of flesh, lust of the eyes_

_Finally the pride of life_

I look around to see myself on a beach that was somehow familiar. The sky was blood red, and the waves crashing just a few feet away were black over the pure white sand. There was nothing else… no city, forest, or marsh behind me. Only an eternity of white sand. I struggle to my feet as I hold my head. I look down at myself and gasp at the sight. How long was I in that trance? My hair… it's at least two feet longer than before, now reaching to my mid-thigh…

"Holy crap!" my hips! My thighs! My breasts! What the hell happened? I frantically look at my body in every angle I could muster, "No way! No, no, no, this isn't right!" I've matured through puberty! Judging by my body and hair length, I'm probably just under twenty years old… no, that's not possible! I'm dreaming, that's it. Or I'm having another one of my visions. But my visions never jumped through time like this, and it's not a dream… this is all wrong! How is this possible? Even if I _was_ in a trance for that long, where am I?

My perception of time was completely thrown off. Regardless of the fact that no sun could be seen, the sky beamed down a white light from no particular direction all day, every day. I took my time to freak out, yes, but this lasted no more than a couple hours. No, I've taken to travel… at least, along the coast. This disgusting oil-black liquid is my only sustenance, and I wouldn't last more than a day if I strayed too far from it. I still don't understand it, but when I drink it – by the way, it tastes like absolute hell – I don't seem to get hungry. Whether I'm thirsty or hungry, this liquid does the job just fine. Whatever, I'm not about to start dissecting a freaking liquid when everything else is happening.

Based on an extremely rough guess, I'd say I've been walking for about three days now. Near the beginning, I actually almost had to learn to walk again; standing was one thing, but keeping motion with a matured body was something completely different. Apparently I inherited some decent genes from both parents – I thought I was good looking before, but now? Jesus, I could pass for a model easily. I had the absolute perfect proportions! My breasts weren't too big, but were certainly big enough, and my hips and waist formed a perfect hourglass figure… not too bad! Unfortunate no one is around to see this, though. Hell, I'd be embarrassed if someone came around; I discarded my plug suit shortly after I woke up. That plastic material was way too hot. It's probably around eighty-five degrees out – not too hot, but definitely too hot for material that doesn't breathe. Because of my German descent, I've never really needed to shave before – I have the skin of a peace – and that hasn't changed with age. Thank God. Even if no one ever sees me again, I'll be damned if I have Sasquatch legs.

"_Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs,_" as pathetic as it is, probably the only thing keeping me sane was counting the waves as they gently crashed near my feet. It's still weird to me how much my voice has matured. I sound less like a girl and more like an actual woman. Walking this long has given me time to think, however. Either my mind aged along with my body, or my trance experience matured my thought process, because I understand things quite a bit clearer than I ever was able to. Nothing superhuman, mind you, just more mature. I realize that my entire love affair with Shinji was nothing more than me holding on to the only real relationship I've had since my mother. Hell, the only reason I broke up with him was because I was afraid of him leaving me, as childish as that may sound. Looking back, the only reason I chose to have sex with him was in hopes that he'd hold onto me emotionally – that backfired when I hooked Rei and him up. Even though it was a crush, I still think I might have actually…

"_Uno, due, tre, quattro, cinque, sei,_" sure, I'm lonely now, but not in quite the same sense as I was before. I may have been surrounded by people when I still lived a semi-normal life, but I was always so emotionally alone. Now, it's something much different. I crave the presence of other people just to keep me from boredom or, eventually, insanity, but I don't really need them anymore like I used to. But, the person I want more than anyone else? I'm not hiding that from myself anymore, so I've clearly mentally grown too. Don't ask me how, I just know I have.

About a week has passed at this point, and I'm beginning to wonder why I even bother continuing to walk. There's nothing here, and I must have covered nearly a hundred miles by now. What's the point to all of this? For that matter, how am I even alive? The way I see things, the Third Impact clearly happened, but what isn't clear is why I'm here, and why I've aged so much. I would understand a few days, but five years? And hell, I'm being conservative by saying five years! I've come to accept this isn't a dream or a vision, but those are the only two logical explanations I can come up with.

"I give up," I fall back onto the sand and sit down, looking out at the ocean of oil. Staying alive only takes priority when there's something to stay alive _for_, but this… it's all meaningless. Not like I have much of a choice though, do I? I'm not about to kill myself through dehydration or drowning – both are too painful. I hate being this indifferent towards life, "Nothing to give up, I guess," with a deep sigh, I force myself back to my feet and continue walking. Several hours pass, and what I assume is evening – based on how tired I am – is approaching. Following the same pattern from the past seven or so days, I stop walking and stretch myself out before lying to sleep. The muscle aches were horrid when I first started, making these stretches a necessity, but now I guess they're just out of habit. I looked off into the distance of where I'll be walking tomorrow, and see nothing but the black sea meeting the white sand and a tree in the distance… whoa, tree? It's extremely far off – no less than five miles – but it was definitely there… at least, I think it's a tree. It's some vertical object, I know that much, "Damn… I won't be able to sleep with that on my mind," good thing I'm not tired quite yet.

I've walked for days without so much as a dead weed on the ground, and there's a full grown plant out there? That doesn't make any sense! Seriously, if that's the Tree of Knowledge or, worse, the Tree of Life, I'm out of here. I'm not even going to stop at it, I'm not about to get wrapped up in some divine intervention I'd rather not be a part of. None of that went over too well with Eve, and I won't be repeating her mistakes!

"The hell?" I squint a little as I got closer, realizing it didn't quite have the shape of a tree. It looked like… "Hey… hey! Over here!" a person! A person is here with me! I couldn't care less who it is, I'm not alone! I sprint towards the person – who was slowly revealing themselves to be a man – screaming and waving my arms the whole time. When the distance closed to a couple hundred yards, they finally heard me, and started running in my direction. Finally! I was beginning to worry I was going insane! When the distance between us closed to roughly fifty yards, we both slowly stopped, "Seriously?" our eyes met, and the reality of the situation finally sunk in for us. Wearing a smile larger than anything I've had before, I sprint towards the man who's clearly aged as much as I have.

"I can't believe it!" we take each other in a hug and laugh, simply overjoyed at the circumstance. The one person I've been wishing for this whole time! "Asuka, where have you been?" he pulls back and looks down at me with a blush, "And why are you… naked?" crap! I cover the crucial parts of my body with a blush. Something isn't right here…

"Shinji… what happened?" he's aged just as much as I have, and I must say, he grew into a very attractive man. He wore a stubble beard similar to Kaji's, which was the first thing that alerted me to something out of the ordinary – how does he shave? His hair was back in a ponytail, so he apparently chose to keep the long hair look. He was shirtless, but had on a pair of military camouflage pants with matching shoes… he got buff… I felt myself blush as I looked at him, and I forced my eyes back up to his.

"Here," with the same smile, he reached behind him and pulled a white t-shirt from his belt. I hurried putting it on, though it only barely covered my waist, "What do you mean 'what happened'? This is what happens when you leave for six years," so I _am_ twenty… wait, leave? "Have you been living on your own this whole time?"

"Of course I have! What other choice did I have?" he raises an eyebrow.

"Are you… okay? Six years alone… you probably have a form of dementia, we see it all the time with wanderers."

"Whoa, back up, I've only been awake for a week. You're telling me that you've been here for six years? And there's more people?" and here I thought I accepted all of the mysteries. Nope, not even close.

"What do you mean awake? And of course there're more people. We have a town just a few miles inland from here. Come on, we need to get you checked out. You can explain everything along the way," we began walking in the opposite direction of the ocean, something I haven't dared to do before. Now that I'm focusing on the horizon, there's definitely something there… a pyramid?

"It's like I said, I just woke up in my plug suit about a week ago. It was too hot, hence the nudity," I force out a weak laugh, "I've just been walking this whole time. I've been living off that black stuff, so I hope you guys have some decent food wherever we're going. Anyway, when Kaworu brought me up to Lilith, he did something to me… I felt immortal. I can't even explain it. It's like I knew everything, but there wasn't really anything to know," yeah, that made a lot of sense, "Don't ask me why I'm just waking up now or how I'm alive, because I don't know. Did the Third Impact happen or what?"

"Yeah, it did. At least, we think it did, that's the only explanation for all of this. None of us remember what happened, but it looks like only people within a certain perimeter of Lilith survived. Essentially, only people that were in the Geofront survived whatever happened," as he spoke, I find myself looking at his torso through the corner of my eye. I can't get over how much he grew! For one, he shot up, and is probably about six feet tall – of course, this is hard to judge, since I don't know how tall I am. Regardless, he's quite a bit taller than me. He's not muscular enough to enter one of those disgusting men's pageant things, but just enough to make him attractive. He's grown into quite the man…

"So you all have been living there for six years? How do you eat?" he lets out a nervous laugh.

"Luckily, Nerv has the technology to just make water as we need it – we get the hydrogen from the sand, and oxygen from the air. Doesn't get more pure than that. As for eating… you're not going to like it," the nervous smile was still present, "We've learned to make do with what we have. You'd be surprised just how tasty rodents can be."

"Rodents? That's repulsive! You guys are eating rats?" Jesus!

"Rats, hamsters, mice, guinea pigs, and ferrets, yeah. The biomedical branch of Nerv had a small number of test animals, and luckily, they survived right along with us. Now we breed them to eat, like cows or sheep," I think I'll stick with the oil.

"That's disgusting," I cross my arms in frustration. Here I thought I'd be getting a nice meal for once! "Didn't you all wonder where I went? I mean, everyone in Nerv survived, right?"

"Yeah, but we had bigger problems than trying to find you. The first year was just getting everything together so we could live, and by then, we just accepted that you were gone. Akagi, I'm sure, will have a few questions for you," great, she's the last person I wanted to see, "But before that, you can go to my house and grab some clothes. Luckily for you, I live on the outskirts of town, so no one will see you," we continued walking and speaking to one another for about two hours before the pyramid was in clear view, and several houses scattered out along the perimeter – the first one being Shinji's.

"I can't believe I've been gone this whole time," he opens the lockless door to his house, letting me enter to see a completely bare home. It was more of a shack than anything else – there was a toilet, a bed, and a closet, but it was all in one large room, similar to a prison cell.

"Grab anything you want from the closet. If you want, you can sleep through the night," the digital clock on his wall read 8:30 PM… how does he have batteries? I started to change into jeans and a t-shirt – both much too large for me – as he spoke through the closed door, "Everyone else can wait for you."

"Yeah, if it's okay, I think I'm going to sleep for now. I'm exhausted. You can come in, I'm changed. Thanks," I finish tightening the belt as he enters, leaving the door open.

"No problem. I'm actually going back to Nerv for now, I have some work to do," work? "If I'm not back when you wake up, just-"

"Actually," I cut him off, "I'd rather not be alone right now. I just spent the last week in solitude, I need some interaction," I spoke with a joking smile, but I was completely serious. A week or two more and I'm sure I would have started to go insane, "So I'll just come with you," he shrugs and begins to walk out of the house.

"Okay, whatever you want. I won't be long, just a few hours," I close the door behind me as I catch up. Beyond physically, he really has grown up beyond what I would have expected. He's far more confident than before, that's a given, but he seems to have been jaded emotionally through this whole ordeal. I like him a lot better now – less of a whiney child. More than a few heads turned as we got up to Nerv and I began to see familiar faces. Shinji leads the way through hallways I've been down before, and finally comes to a stop in front of what I remember to be Gendo's office, "Try not to freak out," before I could ask what he meant, he opens the door to show his father, now beginning to gray in his beard, and a woman reading a clipboard next to him. She looks… familiar… Gendo instantly looks at me with raised eyebrows.

"Well, look who got old!" his surprise was replaced with a tinge of anger, "Nice to see you again, ya cold bastard," hey, I don't work for him anymore, I don't have to suck up!

"Excuse me young lady?" the woman next to him puts the clipboard down on the desk and storms over to me, "Who do you think you are?"

"I'm Asuka, nice to meet you," I sarcastically smirk up at her. Something about this woman is haunting, "Do I know you from somewhere? Did you used to work on the bridge or something?" Shinji puts a hand across my shoulders and pulls me back with a weak laugh.

"Don't mind Asuka, she's just a little delirious. Father, I thought you'd like to see this. She says she just woke up about a week ago," the woman looks at me intently through her small glasses, "Yes, this is _that_ Asuka, mother," mother? "Remember? I told you about her."

"Ah yes, the girl that broke my boy's heart."

"I never said that!" this is his mother? That's why she looks so familiar! "I just said we dated for like, three days. Nothing special," she looks at him and raises an eyebrow, "Oh come on, she's a nice girl… well, woman now, but still. Give her a chance."

"Weren't you supposed to be dead or something?" my very question seemed to offend her for some reason, "I don't get it."

"The miracles of Eva, no?" that's her explanation? She turned back around and picked up the clipboard. Even the way she walks looks so damn familiar… it's killing me, "You may want to see Akagi and get checked out. And I'd appreciate it if you stopped looking at me like I'm a freak," without a word, Shinji guided me out of the room.

"Sorry about that, she's usually not that cold. She's extremely protective of me, and the stunt you pulled when we were kids was apparently documented by Section 2, so she knows what you did. And before you ask, no, I don't know how she's back. Even when the world is like this, Nerv still has its set of secrets," that woman was a bitch, I don't care what she read about me!

"She reminds me of you. At least, she looks familiar, so you must have a lot of her traits," I didn't have time to actually compare the two.

"Well… no, that's not why," we turn a corner and enter what looked like a waiting room with a young woman reading a book on the bench. That hair…

"I thought I felt you come back," she didn't look up from her book as she spoke, "How was the trip? I still remember my first time," her voice has completely changed, both in maturity and tone. She speaks much more normally now, though a faint glimmer of her old self was still present. She closes the book and looks up at me with a small smile before looking at Shinji and standing up, "Haven't seen you in a while," she quickly hugs him before looking back at me… oh… they're together, apparently.

"I… don't get it," I look to Shinji, hoping he'll explain it. Not a single scar was on this girl, how is that possible? Wait… her face!

"Turns out Rei here is kind of my sister. My freaky, curse against nature, abomination sister," he laughs as she softly punches his arm, "It would have been nice to know this before I dated her those years ago, but apparently she's pretty much a clone of my mother. Some extra stuff is thrown in there, but in essence, it's her," that's why his mother looked so familiar!

"That 'extra stuff' is the reason you're alive, Asuka. Long story short, I'm Lilith… or, at least, I _was_ before the soul was transferred to you. I'll explain it later, don't worry about it," okay, this is just getting too weird. Since when did angels have souls? And even if I look past that, how is she 'mostly' a clone of Shinji's mother? It's all or nothing! You don't get to pick and choose! "So no more competing over Shinji here, promise," she winks before walking away, "He may be a looker, but he's my son. I don't swing that way."

"I hate it when she calls me that," he whispered under his breath as he continued to walk down the hallway, past the corridor Rei turned down, "Sorry if this is all a bit much for you. I know it's a lot to take in. That's kind of why I wanted you to sleep first," was that an 'I told you so' from Shinji? He's never done that before! "You won't be able to stay with me – like I said, Nerv secrets. But you can stay with Misato on the bridge. I'm sure you two have a lot to catch up on anyway," secrets? Who are they hiding from? Everyone's dead!

"Yeah, that's fine. Just don't drag your feet, I'm tired," he let out a soft sigh as he opened the door – now manual, unlike the old days of automatic – to the bridge where a large handful of people were steadily at work. A small number of computers were on, but the vast majority of work was being done on paper. We continued walking and, almost all at once, everyone noticed me and halted their work. Just like before, there were hushed whispers of my name, "Yeah, it's me, relax already. You all act like this is the weirdest thing you've seen," that actually seemed to do the trick! Everyone went back to their work, with the exception of a certain woman running towards me.

"Asuka!" Misato took me in a tight hug, damn near sending me to the floor, "I can't believe it! Where have you been?"

"I'll be gone for a while, as you know. Misato, please keep Asuka company," and with that, he walked off, leaving me in the vice grip that she calls a hug.

"And you've grown up! You became quite the woman, didn't you?" I can understand seeing me is a surprise, but why would my maturing be shocking? She finally leans back, and I notice there's a small amount of tears in her eyes, "I'm so happy you're back!"

"Jeez Misato, calm down. I'm happy to see you too, but wow," time certainly has done her a favor, I'll say that much. There's a very small amount of aging in her eyes, but overall, she looks exactly the same, "Before you ask, I have no idea how I'm here. I just woke up about a week ago and I found Shinji while walking today."

"It doesn't matter, I'm just glad you're safe. Hey, are you hungry? I was just going to get something to eat. It's better than that ooze you've been living off of, I'll tell you that," the idea of food sounded amazing, but the idea of rodents did not. Eh, lesser of two evils I suppose.

"Lead the way," we soon came to the old cafeteria, though all the booths but one were closed, and appeared as if they've been closed since the Third Impact. The only one that was open had a single worker hovering over the grill, covered in skewers though large chunks of meat. Looking past the fact that I'm probably viewing rat right now, that smells amazing… "Don't tell me what I'm eating, I don't want to know. Shinji already told me the choices, and I don't like any of them. Order for me," I look down in half disgust, half envy of the meat.

"Give us four orders of the…" she paused for a moment, "Oh! I'll have the ferret, and Asuka doesn't want to know what she's having. Surprise her," I don't want a surprise! This isn't a Happy Meal!

"God…" I looked down at my plate of two large wooden sticks filled with vegetables and a decent amount of meat. I noticed mine was quite different from Misato's, so at least I know I'm not eating ferret… those aren't even disgusting, it disturbs me because I used to have one as a pet…

"Have you met Rei yet?" she began talking as we sat down, and I nod as I take a small bit of the pepper. I'm not quite ready to eat the meat yet, "Good, she said she knew you were coming, but we just took it as another one of her games," another? She plays games now? "I assume you have questions about her. Well, long story short, she's a clone. You killed the second Rei, and that's the third. The reason she remembers you is because memories are carried over to each clone. She's essentially immortal – the only thing that can kill her is time. She'll only die when she's too old," they can't clone a younger version? "But it doesn't matter. You have any questions?"

"Not really, I stopped asking questions when I woke up. This is all too weird, and I'm not about to reason through it," I finally take a bite, and realize it's actually not that bad, "Mind telling me what happened to Shinji though? A person doesn't get that buff pushing pencils."

"Like he said, we can't really say. But yeah, his physique is related to his work, I can say that much," didn't really expect a straight answer, "He grew in nicely, didn't he? Hm?" she sent a small wink at me.

"Misato! You're like, twice his age!" with an annoyed huff, she takes another bite.

"Doesn't mean I can't have eye candy," that's just nasty, "And aren't you protective? What, you already have your eyes on him?" I feel a small blush cross my face.

"Oh shut up! He's the _last_ thing on my mind right now," if by 'last' you mean 'only', "Plus, he doesn't need to flaunt it by not wearing a shirt all the time. Really, who does that?"

"Same reason women wear low-cut shirts. If you have the goods, might as well show them off. Speaking of, when we're done eating, I'm going to get you some clothes. The whole butch look doesn't suit you," she finished off her plate and threw it in the trash behind our table as she mumbled, "And you need a bra."

"I heard that."

"Wasn't trying to hide it."

After I forced myself to finish eating, Misato led me to a pseudo-mall that was set up where the Evas once were. Only a few shops stood, selling clothes, rodents, water, and so on. From what I can tell, Nerv has turned into a majorly self-governed economy, where no currency is present, but exchanges go on every day. Misato showed me a black card, resembling a bank card, and explained that their 'currency' was favor driven in the sense that if you work, you get to buy. Everyone has the choice to not work, but if they don't, well, they can't have any luxury items like extra water or clothes. Seemed like a decent system, though she didn't explain how the work can transfer into credits. She bought me a full, single outfit – all the needed undergarments, a pair of jeans that actually fit me, and a black, tight t-shirt. Jeans and t-shirts were all that were really available, though they differed in price depending on color and quality. I change in a small, makeshift dressing room made of plywood, and realize just how skilled the clothing makers were.

"Not a bad fit. Comfortable?" I walk out of the dressing room holding Shinji's clothes.

"Actually yeah, very. Thanks again, I appreciate it," without telling me where we were going, she begins to lead the way down a separate corridor.

"Consider it a welcome back present. Now, on to business. Nerv, as you may have guessed, has a place for everybody, and everybody is in their place. That's how we get currency, like I said. You're going to have to start pulling your weight after today, but since you're not exactly the run-of-the-mill person, I'm sure Akagi has a special place for you. Probably something along the lines of what Shinji's doing, just less intensive. Unfortunately, it's not really a choice," less than an hour here and I'm already being put to work?

"Okay, whatever. What will I be doing?"

"Actually, that's a good question. We all have certain characteristics that stick us out from the others, but you're somewhat special. You're the last person alive that can speak German and Italian, you're one of a very small number of people who has the ability to practice medicine, you're probably about the only person outside of Akagi that can do anything beyond algebra II, and, more than anything, you're… well…" so essentially, I'm about the smartest person alive. We're all doomed.

"What? I'm what?"

"Remember that we're trying to rebuild humanity here. This is kind of like the garden of Eden, and the supplies to… replenish humans are dwindling fast," she better not mean what I think she means, "In short, you'll be expected to bear children. Quite a few of them too, because of your age and, frankly, child bearing hips. You have less of a chance of injury or even death than most of these Asian women," like hell!

"Hold the phone, you all can make me work on medicine, but you can't make me have kids! If I get pregnant, hooray for me, but I'm not about to become a breathing incubator for you!" I can't believe she'd even suggest something like that!

"Yeah, you're right, we can't make you have children, but it's going to happen eventually unless you don't plan on having sex. There's no condoms or birth control of any kind left, so it's just a matter of time until we have the pitter-patter of little Ikari-Shikinami's…" he jokingly puts her hands behind her head in a relaxed position.

"And what makes you think I'd even consider him?" how rude! "And what about you? I'm sure you and Kaji popped out a few in these six years."

"Of course we did. Two – a boy and a girl. You can meet them later. But first," without me really realizing it, she guided me to the hospital wing and into Akagi's office. She was busy at work on some medical chart, and didn't even bother to notice us, "Hey Rits, I think you'll want to see this."

"They can wait in the lobby. Stop bringing every brat with the sniffles to me."

"I'm not working under her, I'll say that much," I look over at Misato as she slightly laughs, "Plus, I've never even had training. Passing the entrance exam and making it through med school are two completely different things."

"Ah, Asuka, I've been expecting you," she stands up and picks up a lab coat from the coat tree next to her desk. She was expecting me? How? "Here, put this on," she tosses the coat, which I soon realized was embroidered with my full name, "I've got it from here Misato. Thanks," with a quick joking salute, Misato leaves the room.

"I'm not even going to ask how you knew I was back."

"Good. Your entrance exam was enough to qualify you for this kind of medicine. We mainly deal with broken limbs and the occasional outbreak of a virus – usually the cold or flu. As you can guess, we don't have any anti-viral vaccinations, which is why they're such a problem. Luckily for us, I just happened to have a batch of Penicillium growing, so we have anti-bacterial treatments. We see the same things every day," she walked out of the room, and I reluctantly followed her, "A broken arm here, vomiting there, nothing more than a family practitioner would see. If you don't know how to handle something, just come get me, but I don't think you'll have a problem."

"So I take it this is my job, then. How in the world do you even think I'm qualified?" mockingly, she scuffs.

"Don't belittle yourself. I've seen your test scores and your thesis – you know what you're talking about. Just do your job and you'll be fine. Luckily for you, people are just starting to get off of their jobs now, and your work day is over. I'm glad there's another doctor, now I don't have to work seventy hour weeks. Tell you what, how about we work in three day, ten hour shifts? I work three days, you do three days, and so on. Sound good?"

"Whatever…" I fought like hell to get into a German medical school, and here I am being thrown into the actual profession overnight. This is insanity, "You get these first three days. I'm exhausted."

"Fair enough. Nice to see you back, but this is where we part ways. Shinji's waiting for you in the lobby. See you soon, Dr. Shikinami," with a friendly smile, she opens the door to the lobby to show two people – Shinji and the front desk worker. Since when did Akagi get so nice?

"You have got to be kidding me," wide eyed at my lab coat clad shoulders, Shinji speaks through an amazed smile, "They made you a doctor? That's great!"

"I guess… listen, can I go sleep now? I'm about to pass out," we begin walking out of the Egyptian temple.

"Yeah, no problem. I'll start working on your house tomorrow, it should only take about a week. Until then, you can just sleep on my bed. I have a sleeping bag I can use," he's going to build my house? By himself? Six years seems like too short of a time for him to become such a badass.

"You don't have to, I'm sure I can rent a room or something."

"It's fine, I have nothing better to do. You should be thanking me – notice how there's only a few houses? Very few people can afford them. This is actually how I make a good chunk of my money. I built Akagi's two years ago, and she only had to wait that long because she was saving up," we get back outside and start heading for his shack.

"Thanks. Speaking of, what else do you do? Just tell me, no one else is around. I won't say a word," the only reason I care at all is because they're keeping it such a huge secret! In response, he held a finger over his lips, telling me to keep quiet. We remained silent until we got into his 'house'.

"I don't feel right keeping secrets, let alone from you. For the past five years, we've been building another Eva. Well… sort of. See, when the Third Impact occurred, all three Evas turned completely into LCL, and for reasons we still don't understand, my mother came out of Unit 01. Luckily, Akagi was able to, in essence, clone another Eva using the LCL. As of two years ago, we have a full grown Unit 07. Now the hard part is keeping it alive long enough to attach all the needed armor. Without the armor, its skin fries under this light. Another thing we don't understand. We have to do all this using pulleys, hence my physique. It's a team of me and four others, so it's very slow work, but we're actually almost done," so the very thing that caused all of this is being brought back? Isn't that, oh, I don't know, counterproductive?

"And the point of all this is…?"

"A Fourth Impact. You had complete control of the Third Impact – everything you see is what you wished, either subconsciously or consciously. The entire point of another impact was to create a new race of humans; essentially a new Adam and Eve. But, since you didn't see the point in all of that, we're left with this. I don't blame you in the least. In fact, I agree with your view, but this impact is supposed to bring back what the world lost. See, the impacts are always seen as destructive forces… which is true, in a sense. The First Impact wiped out the prehistoric reptiles, paving the way for humans. In fact, that impact _created_ Adam and Eve. The second one was a complete mistake, so nothing but destruction came from it. The most recent one… yeah, it's somewhere in the middle ground. We're trying to reverse everything," sounds like a crack-pot plan to me, but it's not like I can control it.

"Sounds like you're pretty deep in this whole organization. Are you a high ranking person or what?" I sit on his bed while he chose to remain standing.

"You could say that. Not many of us were capable of building the Eva – they needed young males. Something hard to come by in a building full of old professors. They kind of had to tell me if they planned on using me," sounds reasonable.

"And you don't mind being jerked around like this? You have no control over your future. Doesn't that bother you?" why even bother asking? It never has.

"Of course it does, which is why I'm helping. I could have chosen to say no," wow, he actually got offended right there… "Listen, about my mother. Just give her some time to warm up to you. She has trouble trusting people, but she'll come to like you," ah, changing the subject. He hasn't grown that much, apparently.

"Mhm," I'm really not in the mood right now. I lay back onto the bed and close my eyes with my hands behind my head, "You can sleep in the bed, I don't care. I'm not about to take your bed from you," it was a custom size, and it was at least a king, "It's your house, after all."

"As long as you don't care," apparently the idea of lounging clothes has died, because he just got right into bed without changing. Still the modest child he's always been, be lays on his side as far away from me as possible.

"Just relax, quit being so tense," still awkward and stiff with his movements, he readjusts himself to laying on his back much closer to me – though still not close to touching. Once again, a huge bed, "So, you have any kids running around? Misato made it quite clear all young and healthy people are breeding like rabbits now, and you're the definition of both."

"Actually, yeah, I do. But the ideas on children have changed a lot, Asuka. I've never seen my child, and probably never will. Hell, I don't even know the sex of it. A couple of years ago, I was chosen to be the next to reproduce – it's pretty strict on who can and can't have children. If you're chosen, you can have kids whenever you want, and as many as you want, but your mate is chosen for you… well, for the most part. Say I was dating or was married to a girl and I wanted to have kids with her. Unless she has a serious genetic disorder, chances are that she'd be allowed to breed, but only with me. I wasn't dating anyone, so they just chose someone for me. You'd probably recognize her if you saw her. She was a college student doing her internship here at Nerv, so she's a couple years older than me. I don't even know her name, actually."

"That sounds an awful like eugenics. Genetic discrimination? Great new world order they have going on," on a logical standpoint, it makes perfect sense, but on a moral standpoint, it's flat out racism, "Could they force me to have a kid?"

"Force? No, no, nothing like that. You'll probably be approved to breed pretty quickly, but you don't have to," thank God, "But just as a heads up, you'll probably be approached by every guy in Nerv that's been approved. Beyond obvious physical reasons, your intelligence and racial diversity make you a rarity," great. Every horn-dog knocking at my door at once.

"What was that about 'obvious physical reasons', hm?" I roll over to face him and rest my head on my hand, smirking at him, "The only thing I have that would help genetically is wide hips. What happened to genetic purity?" a slight tinge of pink fills his face as he averts his eyes to the ceiling.

"You know what I mean, don't do that," hey, at least he's forward now, "I'm just giving you a fair warning," with a huff, I fall onto lying on my back.

"You're no fun anymore. You used to react when I teased you," why is he so easily offended now? I used to torment him from sunrise to sunset and he never got like this! Testosterone sure got the better of him, I'll say that much. A few minutes of laying in the dark passes before I break the silence, "So, any reason you never met your kid?"

"If an arranged breeding happens, the father isn't allowed to see the child. The mother only cares for it until it's old enough to eat solid food, and then it gets sent to the Farm. It's basically a new city where all the kids are sent. It's supposed to prevent inbreeding, along with helping them learn the social hierarchy. Misato is actually the one that oversees all of that," how barbaric… "That's something I don't agree with in the least. I can't control it though."

"Why don't people just leave? You can't be the only person that disagrees with this socialism."

"And go where? The only food and water on the planet is here. Beyond a social uprising, there's not much any of us can do," how did he think I survived a week on my own?

"You people _do_ realize that black ocean is edible, right?" even through the darkness, he broke a smile.

"That's the thing – it's not. It's extremely toxic to anything living. You and Rei are the only ones that can eat it. You're special Asuka, you just don't realize it yet," I didn't bother to ask how. I doubt he even understands it, "In more ways than one," still smiling, he turned to me and our eyes met.

"And you're corny in more ways than one," c-c-c-combo breaker! "I hate mushy crap, you know that. Is there a reason you've been trying to court me since I showed up?" he rolled his eyes and looked away, "Oh come on, don't act like you haven't been. Giving me clothes, a place to sleep, and building me a freaking house? I may not be the smartest person alive, but I'm not stupid," the sad part is, I probably _am_ the smartest person alive.

"I can't be nice without being accused of… what did you call it? Courting? That doesn't work on you anyway, so it'd be pointless."

"Yeah, you know me. The harder a guy tries, the worse it gets for him. I like men who are willing to take a risk and stand up to me. I'm sick of wimpy guys that ask 'how high?' when I say jump. I'd probably marry a guy if he ever had the nerve to call me a bitch," we both shared a small laugh, and our eyes met again. Almost a minute of silence passed before he spoke up.

"Bitch," he smirked and rolled over, "Night, Asuka."

Over the next few weeks, I earned my place in the Nerv totem pole. Turns out I knew more than enough to work as the doctor just fine, and on my days off, I would go in and help coordinate the building of the new Eva. It only took them two or three days before inviting me to help – who better to organize everything than someone who's actually piloted? Shinji was right in the sense I was both approved to breed and approached by countless men hoping to get in my pants. Typically, I turned down every single one, and was quickly earning the reputation of Nerv's prude. As if I cared – I'm not going to put out for the sake of breeding. Very few people were surprised when they caught glimpses of Shinji and me holding hands during our breaks.

Rei explained the entire Lilith situation to me a while ago, and I'm still struggling to comprehend it. Apparently that trance I went through was the vision of God himself, but only the smallest fraction of him. This came as an incomprehensible subject, as affirmed by both my trance and Rei, God is indivisible. I stopped trying to make sense of it shortly after she told me, there's no point in reasoning it out. She knew of my coming because, as she says, we're linked spiritually now. That's not to say I can read her thoughts or anything, but when something important happens to me, she would know – and vice versa. I don't know… this all seems like a sham to me, but how am I supposed to argue it? Something clearly happened with my vision. Since I came back, Rei and I have actually bonded quite a bit. In fact, her new personality is extremely similar to what some of my friends back in Germany had. Whenever we're both on break, we end up getting together one way or another – usually it's not even planned, we just run into each other. Not like that's particularly hard in this place, seeing as it barely covers square mile of land.

Shinji was right about his mother, Yui. Shortly after I started seeing him again, she randomly warmed up to me almost overnight. I can tell it gets under her skin if we exchange a quick peck when we go our separate ways, but that's to be expected of a mother, no? Once you get to know her, she's actually a pretty decent woman. Extremely mothering to Shinji and, from what I've heard, the children in the Farm, which makes me wonder how she ended up with a guy like Gendo.

Shinji and I have… grown, to say the least. We've been dating for a little over a month now, and have yet to sleep together in the figurative term. And it's not like we're not serious about the relationship – he takes me out to dinners, occasionally stops by my work with a single rose of unexplained origins, and sometimes, though rarely, opens up his house to me. You see, he finished building my home quite some time ago, and the vast majority of nights are spent in there. There's actually a 'law' of sorts that forbids unwed couples from sleeping in the same house on a regular basis. About once a week, though, he drops a subtle hint followed by a wink that only I'd pick up on. He almost always does it in a public area, and I'm beginning to think the thrill of possibly getting caught excites him… idiot. When I do spend the night, like I said, we never have sex. Sure, we've done other things, but nothing that could result in a child. The result of sex isn't really what's keeping us from having it though… I can't really say why we haven't slept together, actually. I definitely wanted to wait a little while before we got to that point, but I've been ready for him for what seems like ages. I don't want to come right out and say 'take me!', but it's damn near getting to that point. He's absolutely horrible on picking up social cues. Like right now.

We're in his bed right now, and regardless of the fact that we're both completely nude, he has yet to make a single move for me. I'm telling you, this whole nothing-but-foreplay crap is great for teenagers, but it's just down right frustrating to me. He always gets me off using his hand or, more recently, something much more taboo, but it's not the same! Hell, I've even _told_ him it's not the same, and he didn't get the hint.

"Are you afraid of me getting pregnant or what?" I pull back from the kiss and push his hand away from my groin, "I'm starting to get really annoyed with all this. There's a beautiful woman lying in your bed, so tell me, what's keeping you from going after me?" he was surprised at my angry tone, but this is the anger of sexual frustration built up.

"Whoa, what? Where'd that come from? I told you, there's no contraceptives here," that doesn't mean I'll automatically get pregnant!

"I don't care! We slept together twice before and nothing happened! Just forget it," I go to roll out of bed, but he puts a hand on my hip to stop me.

"I'm sorry, I just thought that you wouldn't want to risk it. You said the other day that you couldn't imagine giving up a child to the Farm, so I took that as a hint that you wouldn't want to… you know," he can't say sex?

"It means what it means, Shinji! Stop reading into things! Are you telling me we haven't gotten anywhere because of a passing comment I made? Are you stupid? I mean honestly, I-" I was cut off as he came at me with a smile, beginning an intimate kiss. See? _That's_ what I like in a guy! Just take control of the situation! About an hour passes of doing what I've been craving for so long, and finally ends as he lays on top of me, both of us panting, "About… time," he begins kissing at my neck before reaching up and fondling my left chest, "Can we wait a little? I'm too tired," at least for right now, that is.

"Three sins, temptations, curses against God. You define all three. Any world you wanted, and you chose lust," he presses down on my chest hard enough to hurt, "Wench!" my chest feels like it burst open, and all at once, the world goes black… no… I can't do this again! This black void… the constant reasoning… the knowing… get out of my head! I didn't do anything wrong! I don't care what happens, just leave me alone!

This is different than last time… I don't have the wisdom. I can feel my body!

_Possessing his soul, the curse of the damned_

_A tormented victim, to the bottom he's slammed_

_One man stands alone trapped, under a spell_

_Encounter your demons, send them to hell_

"No!" my eyes whip open and take in the blinding light, though it was far from painful. Shinji was no longer on top of me… in fact, I wasn't even myself. Somehow, this doesn't surprise me in the least. My hands are cradling a small ball as my body of light floats in an abyss. I smile down at the ball, realizing exactly what's happened. This feeling… it's neither pleasure, nor pain, but somewhere in between. Part of me realizes what a gift I've been given, but another part knows there's no right choice to make. No matter what, I'll be hated and scorned through history for my choice, but in reality… it doesn't matter.

The lust of flesh and of eyes, along with the pride of life… these are the sins you wrote out? That's why you had me live in a post-Third Impact world? All of those temptations are written into our very psyche because of you! Not a single human on the planet can overcome them, it just can't be done.

Free will has never been truly present in our world, which is why I believe such horrible things happen. We don't have any choice in how we act on the outside, so here we are, all floundering through life in a random gust of wind. Destruction and hatred unfolds beneath our feet, and very rarely does something positive happen in this life. People have the right to choose, I don't care what you say! You defiled us by giving us knowledge! You set things in motion, and don't even bother to look down on us when we pray! I don't care, I'm not going to be your puppet. I'm allowing choice in this life, and unfortunately for you, that makes me their God!

Yes, humans are weak, fickle, hating little creatures, but these meaningless sacks of flesh and bone are what killed you. God has existed, and will always exist, but only in the sense that He stands by and watches His creations go about their way, making their own futures. Your existence is defined by us! If we believe you don't exist, you die. If we have all the faith in the world for you, then you have all the power. But now… you see, now is when we choose. Even a creature as lowly as you deserves choice in this world, and that's exactly what I'll be giving you. Earth is a place for the strong willed, empty hearted humans, and those filled with faith and love for you deserve to be in a different place. They aren't better, and they aren't worse, they are only different.

So here is your choice. Take them. Lead them to the garden you always wanted but we destroyed. Take the weak and strong alike, treat them as equals, and have them go about their ways. You can do this or let your children suffer in the world you have set up for them. The rest of mankind – the ones that realize life is better when given choices – will stay. We will survive, we will beget generations to come, and unlike you, we'll do it right this time. You only have as much power as we give you, and I'm giving you unlimited power in the hearts and minds of your followers. Take them!

I feel the ball lighten as blazing trumpets filled with air with their glorious sound. I smile down on my children, and for the first time, know what it is like to be truly alone, yet have the company of every soul alive.

I'm not above you. I'm not even above them. You've claimed yourself as a god, and that's just fine. You have the gift of free choice, and you've used it well. Me, on the other hand… I'm using my gift much differently. My choice isn't to look down in awe at my creation, sitting atop my pedestal in the sky as my worshipers sacrifice themselves to me. I enjoy the fickle nature we have! I love our minds! In fact, I pity you! To know absolutely everything, to be on such a plane of existence that everything is laid out in front of you… what a pitiful existence. Yes, you don't go through the tortures of pain, misery, death, famine, and disease. Many would envy you for that. But me? I realize that without all those, you can't feel pleasure, happiness, birth, family, or health. You just _are_. Perhaps in time, you'll come to agree with my foolish choice, no? But now, in the day of reckoning I've created, I choose to go down with them. With him. I choose to rid myself of your power, because quite frankly, I think it's a pretty terrible gift.

The oceans turn red, the land white, and humans are given a choice, just as I have been given. They can choose to live in Nirvana, forever bounded to their loved ones and friends. They can choose to go with Him, but in regards to their future, even I don't know. Or, finally, they can choose to use the gift that's been given to them since day one – life. My choice in quite clear, which is why I find myself laying on my back on a familiar beach, staring up at the red sky. The boy I knew would join me lies next to me, both of us barely into our teen years, but able to comprehend the world. More will come. I have faith in them.

A/N – And there you have it! My take on the Third Impact. Sorry if this ending was somewhat disappointing to some of you, but the goal was to be as philosophical, not literal. I'm usually not the kind of writer that spoon feeds you the story, so chances are each one of you has a different interpretation of what happened. Don't take it for face value! I'm somewhat considering making a sequel to this because, while the events that led up to the ending aren't clear, the ending itself should be. Let me know what you all think. Should I do it or leave well enough alone? Regardless, thanks for reading this far, and keep on keepin' on!


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